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» My Collection
Hmmmmmmm... Nescafe
As a kid, my brother once tried collecting his farts. He approached the whole business quite scientifically; for a maladjusted sinister little bastard.
He secreted an old Nescafe jar into the bathroom and filled it to the brim with water. Every time he needed a trumpetation in the bath, he'd submerge the jar upside down, unscrew the top, push it next to his fun junction, and let rip. Once the cloud of goodness was trapped, he'd re-screw the air-tight lid underwater and replace the jar on the bathroom shelf. Voila. One trapped "genie in a bottle".
He continued with this for a number of weeks; slowly but surely replacing the water with gut gas. Until one unfortunate afternoon: 'Black Sunday' as I like to call it. My mum, wondering what an empty coffee jar was doing in the bathroom, removed the lid and got a face full of what she must have thought was the very breath of Satan. Imagine, if you will, the scene in Indiana Jones when the Nazis open the Ark of the Covenant.
One severely beaten arse later, and with the “how respectable young men should behave” lecture still ringing in his ears, my brother decided that the world of guff collecting was not for him.
(Mon 15th Jan 2007, 17:00, More)
Hmmmmmmm... Nescafe
As a kid, my brother once tried collecting his farts. He approached the whole business quite scientifically; for a maladjusted sinister little bastard.
He secreted an old Nescafe jar into the bathroom and filled it to the brim with water. Every time he needed a trumpetation in the bath, he'd submerge the jar upside down, unscrew the top, push it next to his fun junction, and let rip. Once the cloud of goodness was trapped, he'd re-screw the air-tight lid underwater and replace the jar on the bathroom shelf. Voila. One trapped "genie in a bottle".
He continued with this for a number of weeks; slowly but surely replacing the water with gut gas. Until one unfortunate afternoon: 'Black Sunday' as I like to call it. My mum, wondering what an empty coffee jar was doing in the bathroom, removed the lid and got a face full of what she must have thought was the very breath of Satan. Imagine, if you will, the scene in Indiana Jones when the Nazis open the Ark of the Covenant.
One severely beaten arse later, and with the “how respectable young men should behave” lecture still ringing in his ears, my brother decided that the world of guff collecting was not for him.
(Mon 15th Jan 2007, 17:00, More)
» Siblings
Just a few examples from a catalogue of millions.....
Siblings? Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus Jumping Christ.
Let me introduce you to...... my brother.
Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen....
First, please let me direct you to a previous post: b3ta.com/questions/mycollection/post69836
Nobody knows but Jee-sus...
He once came up with a brilliant idea. To find out how long he could keep an ice-cube on his arsehole. The Holy Grail, Olympic Gold and undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World Title rolled in to one would be his reward if he kept it there till it melted.
So off he trots into the garden, handful of frozen water cubes in hand. Pulls his pants and trousers down, lies on his back, spreads his legs, and ‘lays down the challenge’.
Fifteen seconds later he’s running round the garden screaming, with tears in his eyes.
“Man that knackered!” he sobs.
“Hmmm,” I reply.
“What a stupid fucking idea,” he continues.
“Hmmm” I repeat.
“Why did you let me do it?” He implores.
“Because you’re a cunt”.
Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen....
Flashback to early/mid 90’s. A new cosmetic personal hygiene product has been released in the UK, and has taken the market by storm. Simplistic in design, yet efficient in application, and economic in price, these genius inventions help remove blackheads from your nose. By simply applying a slightly adhesive square of paper, then peeling it off, you can remove whatever nastiness might have been clogging up your nasal pores.
Forget years of scientific research, never mind a R&D budget of millions, put all thoughts of the thousands strong workforce that made this thing a possibility out of your mind. My brother decides to create his own version with some super glue and the paper instructions from a kinder egg toy.
I wasn’t there to actually witness the moment of truth. I didn’t see him for two weeks afterwards. But even after all that time, he was still walking around with two layers of skin missing from half his nose, the other half covered in paper, and the whole sorry mess covered in writing, complete with cartoon diagrams, on how to construct a little wind up plastic car.
He very proudly told me about the sorry events that had led up to him looking this way. I had asked my mum, but she just sighed, shook her head and stared sorrowfully at the floor.
Glory Hallelujah...
(Tue 6th Jan 2009, 10:48, More)
Just a few examples from a catalogue of millions.....
Siblings? Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus Jumping Christ.
Let me introduce you to...... my brother.
Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen....
First, please let me direct you to a previous post: b3ta.com/questions/mycollection/post69836
Nobody knows but Jee-sus...
He once came up with a brilliant idea. To find out how long he could keep an ice-cube on his arsehole. The Holy Grail, Olympic Gold and undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World Title rolled in to one would be his reward if he kept it there till it melted.
So off he trots into the garden, handful of frozen water cubes in hand. Pulls his pants and trousers down, lies on his back, spreads his legs, and ‘lays down the challenge’.
Fifteen seconds later he’s running round the garden screaming, with tears in his eyes.
“Man that knackered!” he sobs.
“Hmmm,” I reply.
“What a stupid fucking idea,” he continues.
“Hmmm” I repeat.
“Why did you let me do it?” He implores.
“Because you’re a cunt”.
Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen....
Flashback to early/mid 90’s. A new cosmetic personal hygiene product has been released in the UK, and has taken the market by storm. Simplistic in design, yet efficient in application, and economic in price, these genius inventions help remove blackheads from your nose. By simply applying a slightly adhesive square of paper, then peeling it off, you can remove whatever nastiness might have been clogging up your nasal pores.
Forget years of scientific research, never mind a R&D budget of millions, put all thoughts of the thousands strong workforce that made this thing a possibility out of your mind. My brother decides to create his own version with some super glue and the paper instructions from a kinder egg toy.
I wasn’t there to actually witness the moment of truth. I didn’t see him for two weeks afterwards. But even after all that time, he was still walking around with two layers of skin missing from half his nose, the other half covered in paper, and the whole sorry mess covered in writing, complete with cartoon diagrams, on how to construct a little wind up plastic car.
He very proudly told me about the sorry events that had led up to him looking this way. I had asked my mum, but she just sighed, shook her head and stared sorrowfully at the floor.
Glory Hallelujah...
(Tue 6th Jan 2009, 10:48, More)
» Useless advice
Doctors
I went to sign up with a new doctor the other week, and had to go through the whole rigmarole of having a 'health interview' with a nurse, which went something like this:
"So how many units of alcohol do you drink a week?"
"Too many - probably about 35."
"That's more than the WHO recommends. Drinking too much is bad for you."
"I know."
"Right. How much red meat do you eat a week?"
"Too much."
"You shouldn't eat too much red meat. It's bad for you."
“I know.”
“Do you smoke?”
“Yes.”
“You shouldn’t smoke. It’s bad for you.”
“No it’s not. Is it? Are you sure?”
(slight hesitation) “Errrm, yes it is. You must know that.”
“No. Who said it was? Is this one of those new health scare things?”
“Everyone’s known for years…. Surely you learnt at school…. Haven’t you ever….How…..?”
“I might wait and see about that. Everyone said coffee was bad for you, then a few months later, everyone said it was good for you. Same with cheese. And chocolate. Maybe it’s just a fad.”
“…………”
"Anyway, do you want this bottle of piss? I brought it in just for you.”
(Fri 20th Oct 2006, 10:55, More)
Doctors
I went to sign up with a new doctor the other week, and had to go through the whole rigmarole of having a 'health interview' with a nurse, which went something like this:
"So how many units of alcohol do you drink a week?"
"Too many - probably about 35."
"That's more than the WHO recommends. Drinking too much is bad for you."
"I know."
"Right. How much red meat do you eat a week?"
"Too much."
"You shouldn't eat too much red meat. It's bad for you."
“I know.”
“Do you smoke?”
“Yes.”
“You shouldn’t smoke. It’s bad for you.”
“No it’s not. Is it? Are you sure?”
(slight hesitation) “Errrm, yes it is. You must know that.”
“No. Who said it was? Is this one of those new health scare things?”
“Everyone’s known for years…. Surely you learnt at school…. Haven’t you ever….How…..?”
“I might wait and see about that. Everyone said coffee was bad for you, then a few months later, everyone said it was good for you. Same with cheese. And chocolate. Maybe it’s just a fad.”
“…………”
"Anyway, do you want this bottle of piss? I brought it in just for you.”
(Fri 20th Oct 2006, 10:55, More)
» Accidentally Erotic
The rabbit from the Caramel advert
When I was about 8 years old, I used to get extremely strange feelings down below when that cartoon rabbit from the Cadbury’s Caramel advert was on TV. She used to giggle, and said something like “Relax, with Cadbury’s Caramel” in a very, very dirty tone of voice.
I was foolish enough to tell my older brother about this, who ridiculed me for the next 20 years. This only stopped in summer 2004, when he mentioned it in front of his new girlfriend. As he sat there, rolling around laughing, and she looked extremely embarrassed, I reminded him of an incident that occurred around the same time. After watching an episode of Playschool in which the female presenter took off her socks and shoes, he asked my mum over dinner: “Mummy, why does my willy go hard when I see lady’s feet?”
That shut the kunt up.
(Mon 6th Feb 2006, 14:26, More)
The rabbit from the Caramel advert
When I was about 8 years old, I used to get extremely strange feelings down below when that cartoon rabbit from the Cadbury’s Caramel advert was on TV. She used to giggle, and said something like “Relax, with Cadbury’s Caramel” in a very, very dirty tone of voice.
I was foolish enough to tell my older brother about this, who ridiculed me for the next 20 years. This only stopped in summer 2004, when he mentioned it in front of his new girlfriend. As he sat there, rolling around laughing, and she looked extremely embarrassed, I reminded him of an incident that occurred around the same time. After watching an episode of Playschool in which the female presenter took off her socks and shoes, he asked my mum over dinner: “Mummy, why does my willy go hard when I see lady’s feet?”
That shut the kunt up.
(Mon 6th Feb 2006, 14:26, More)
» Putting the Fun in Funeral
Angel Cussed
Ben, one of my best friends, died very suddenly towards the end of last year. He was an amazing guy, and the funeral was attended by a multitude of people, all from different lives. Ben had that effect on most people that he met - everyone there felt proud to have been his friend.
Ben's sister was saying a few words in front of everyone; God knows how she did it. I, like most people there, was in absolutely no state to even string together a sentence. Ben's niece, a very cute girl of about 5, was there. She was wearing her favourite fairy suit with wings. Seeing her mum so upset, but not really understanding what was happening, she went to give her mum a hug. As she was lifted up, she found herself in front of hundreds of adults, all of whom were in some sort of state.
She raised her head up, slowly looked at as all, then clearly said: "Fuck". Then she walked off.
Never before have I ever been so amused and grief-stricken at the same time
(Thu 11th May 2006, 19:37, More)
Angel Cussed
Ben, one of my best friends, died very suddenly towards the end of last year. He was an amazing guy, and the funeral was attended by a multitude of people, all from different lives. Ben had that effect on most people that he met - everyone there felt proud to have been his friend.
Ben's sister was saying a few words in front of everyone; God knows how she did it. I, like most people there, was in absolutely no state to even string together a sentence. Ben's niece, a very cute girl of about 5, was there. She was wearing her favourite fairy suit with wings. Seeing her mum so upset, but not really understanding what was happening, she went to give her mum a hug. As she was lifted up, she found herself in front of hundreds of adults, all of whom were in some sort of state.
She raised her head up, slowly looked at as all, then clearly said: "Fuck". Then she walked off.
Never before have I ever been so amused and grief-stricken at the same time
(Thu 11th May 2006, 19:37, More)