» Karma

Karma Chameleon and the Lord
First day of secondary school. Queue up in the tuck shop and buy a can of coke. Sitting in the corner drinking said coke and I am approached by the school bully (I am later told), a huge Nigerian by the name of..wait for it..... 'Lord'. I mean as if he wasn't huge enough already you actually had to address him by calling him Lord because that was the fuckers name.

Anyway I'm digressing...Lord proceeds to approach me and asks for a sip of coke. Not wanting to cause any friction I give him the can. The bastard takes the can, takes a huge swig backwards and not only returns back to his normal swig motion but takes a huge swig forwards too. He gives the can back to me with a huge grin on his face and proceeds to walk away. I clean the lip piece and am just about to re-sip my coke when an observer, who has been watching this unfold, says 'I wouldn't drink from that if I were you mate, he's just backwashed it'. Being 11 and straight outta Compton....sorry I mean primary school (couldn't resist ;p) I was unaware of the cunning tricks and guile needed to survice in big school, after all it was my first day.

I got the cnut back though, 2 years later he was having a fight with another kid at school and we all piled into Lord. I swear the whole school beat the living shit out of Lord, kicks, punches, eye gouges rained in on him (all the pent up anger from the years of bullying he's inflicted on everyone I reckon). I personally contributed with several toe punt to his ribs. I hate violence but it felt great at the time. The whole way home I was listening to my walkman and kept on rewinding Cypress Hills 'what around come around kid' reveling in the poignancy of the lyrics to my situation.

Do I win £10?
(Thu 21st Feb 2008, 17:14, More)

» Desperate Times

I found a copy of the Joy of Sex......
in my mum and dads bedroom when I were a randy pre-teen. I remember getting ridiculously aroused at the arty sexual drawings and having to relieve myself quite often. I had just discovered wanking so it was still a novelty back then. At least three, or more, times a day I would sneak off to pilfer the said book from my parents room (which was unimaginatively hidden under the bed) retreat to my room and masturbate furiously before re-hiding the book and joining the folks back downstairs to watch some shite on tv like Lovejoy or Bergerac. They must have thought something was up as departing for 10 min intervals and arriving with beads of sweat upon my forehead must have looked suspect. With the advent of internet pornography, those Joy of Sex drawings are so tame they wouldnt even register a twitch nowadays.

Eventually my folks chose a different hiding place for the book and I couldnt find it any more. I then had to resort to, in great desperation, wanking off to the pictures of 'before' and 'after' tits yould would get in the adverts for breast surgery clinics found in the back pages of sunday newpaper magazines like 'You'. Fuck me that was desperate.
(Fri 16th Nov 2007, 12:05, More)

» Mistaken Identity

john barnes
if i had a squid for every time someone told me i look like john barnes....i'd have 2 quid. No seriuosly, all my fecking life its been

them:do you know who you look like

me: no (i play along with it)

them: john barnes

me: really?

them: yes

me: do you want to see john barnes's nuts?

them: no

me: im getting them out anyway

sometimes when i pre-empt the answer with john barnes, they are like "yes!, really how did you guess?!!". then they think im a smug bastard who's up his own arse. although saying that, a few people have said daley thompson, which is bizarre. i think i should try some random responses just to see people reactions..the duke of marlborough, pee wee herman etc.

John fucking Barnes, with his loud suits and the presenting skills of a hostage reading a ransom note. still, sweet left foot and a great football player though. could be worse i guess, i could look like david beckham. poncy faggot! i think i prefer barnes...am i sad? (dont answer that!, although i secretly want you to..i think. im confused).
(Mon 4th Jun 2007, 15:39, More)

» I witnessed a crime

You swines!!!
As a policeman (before I get all the usual 'why aren't you out catching criminals' bollocks..IM ON MY DAY OFF!) I should report all you individuals for failing to report a crime and not assisting in the course of justice. But do you know what, I just cant be fucked. The paperwork would be a mile long!..... ;p

On a serious note, please don't ignore a crime if you see it. Even if you don't jump in to stop it, at least report it. Any information is better than nothing at all...WITNESSES, YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!.

have fun crime spotting y'all. peace out.
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 16:09, More)

» Conned

Mary Jane
Ok, so its the late 90's and me and a small group of mates have just had the mother of all nights clubbing and popping pills on london. 4am outside the ministry of sound and we've all much a fair amount of smarties. Kicking out time and we decide we need to get some weed or we're never gonna get to sleep. On the way to a cab station i phone my regular dealer who's none too pleased about being woken at that time in the morning but see's the pounds signs in his eyes so tells us to make our way to clapham asap to pick up the gear. we get the bus to away from the center of london nearer to south london and we are walking to the next cab station en route to pick up the weed. by this time dawn is breaking, we're still quite high and talking loudly and (as were still high on smarties) everybody and anybody are our friends. En route to cab station we are overheard taking about scoring the green. we are overheard by two characters, one a 6'5 skinny dreadlocked guy wearing a long leather coat like an extra from the matrix, and the other his sidekick (small hooded mike tyson lookalike).

'are you guys after some weed?' they say

'yes mate, can you get some?' we reply

'yes bruv, we got some round our gaff mate, follow us'.

Now this is where the fun begins..bearing in mind we are still very high. Stupidly I offer to get a cab to thier 'gaff' as we were going to get a cab to clapham any way. so me and a mate (all others had dwindled off by now) and the two complete randoms we've just met 15 seconds ago are in a cab to fucknows where and I'm paying for the cab!. During the cab ride, me and my mate talk the usual shit to strangers you do when your'e high on pills, the other must have thought we were right wankers and I also call us my regular dealer and cancel the order which he's none to pleased about. anyhoo...a 15min cab ride later and we get to our destination. i offer to go inside to get the gear, but they insist i give them the money and we wait in the car whilst they sort it out(alarm bells dont ring as im fucked off my head). i hand over £40 to them and watc them walk into a huge high rise block of falts with a communal front door. 5 mins, 10 mins, 20 mins pass and there is no sign of them. By this time the cabbie is fed up waiting so i need to fork out another £15 quid to him which leaves me completey out of money. So, its around 5.30am in the morning and muggins here has just given £40 to two complete strangers on the premise they were getting me some weed and paid for thier cab home only for them to have fucked off, and i've got no money to get me home. not wanting to accept defeat (and i'm starting to come down off the pills) me and mate decide to go into the door of the high rise blocks our drug mercants went into and decide to buzz about 50 buzzers explaining that we are looking for two black guys who went into get us some weed 40 mins ago and we are still waiting outside. Cue retorts of 'fuck off' 'theyre not here' 'do you know what time it is'. after waitng for an hour we decide that we've been skanked big style, and not only that we have to walk the best part of 4 miles to get home as we have no cash. that was the easiset con in the world for those fuckers...two drugged up pill poppers who gave them 40 quid and paid for thier cab home withi 15 seconds of meeting them. they must have lauged themselves to sleep that night, much to my chagrin.

anyway..lesson learned...never trust two dodgy looking blokes who say they will get you weed at 5.30 am in the morning in south london, no matter how pilled up you are. and its funny how pills really alter your sense of judgement. just say no! i learned the hard way. in hindsight we could have been killed or stabbed, so i guess i got off lightly.

ps excuse the spelling errors but i cant be fucked to go thorough and correct them
(Mon 22nd Oct 2007, 14:11, More)