» Stupid Dares

If you're walking home from the pub, drunk and....
...your mate dares you to run over the next parked car you see, don't do it.

It might have a full length Webasto sunroof. You might go right through said roof. You might snap your ankle as it hits the steering wheel on the way in. You might end up buying an unfeasibly expensive roof to replace the one you wrecked.

But worse of all....

...the nurse that treats you at the hospital for your broken ankle, while your details are being taken down by a policeman, might....JUST MIGHT be you're girlfriends mum.

Try explaining that one.

Bugger.
(Sat 3rd Nov 2007, 16:35, More)

» I Quit!

For my sins....
...used to work at Carcraft. Shudder.

Anyway, one of the other delivery point staff fucked a car right up, roughly £500 worth of damage to a fairly new BMW 523i.

Anyway, through an unfortunate series of "wrong place at the wrong time" moves on my part, I got the blame. The little cunt who did it didn't stand up, like a real man and admit it. When i explained to my manager that it was he and not I, he proceeded to perfom an Oscar worthy verse about how it couldn;t possibly have been him.

I was not happy.

I was even less happy about the lack of help my 'co-workers' had displayed.

Anyway, they left for lunch and I stayed behind, furious about my written warning and being on my 'last strike'. It was at this point I thought 'fuck it, I don't need this crap job' So...

I removed all the tags from all the car keys in the cupboard, put them in my pocket and then left all the annonymous keys (roughly 300) on the desks in a heap. Then I left.

300 cars, 300keys, no tags, mostly Ford and Vauxhall so mostly looking the same.

Sort that lot out.....

God damn, i felt good after that!
(Thu 22nd May 2008, 12:32, More)

» Desperate Times

Back during the world cup....
....i foolishly offered to be the designated driver for one of our outings to the pub. This was not a wise move on my part as the venue was some 50 miles from my house (so we could see some ex-uni mates at the same time).

So, we go. I drive. We arrive. We set foot in the pub....

....now maybe it was because i knew i couldn't drink, maybe it was beause it was forbidden, or maybe it just WAS. The atmosphere in that place was electric, no muppets, just happy, cheery, beered up football fans.

Not. Bloody. Good.

The night would be unbearable if i had to stay sober, but i also had to get home. A taxi was financially out of the question, as were the logistics of getting my car in the morning.

Hmmmm.

I wanted beer, that was all there was to it. I wasn't going to drive drunk though.

So, after much thought i went to my car, unbolted the earth strap from the inner wing, inserted a bespoke cardboard gasket crudely made from a beer mat. Re attached the lead and got pissed.

I then called the AA later that night. They couldn;t figure out why my car wouldn't start (thankfully my mechanic wasn't the sharpest, it would have been embarrasing had i got a 'time served' mechanic) so in a bid to avaid doing any work he simply lifted my car onto his truck and took me and my mates home and upon questioning my stae i simply replied...."It took you 50 minutes to get here, i'm at a pub, what did you think i'd do"

Still, it was a good night.

Fourth emergency service? You betcha.
(Thu 15th Nov 2007, 17:17, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

Once.....
.....I drove my Rover into a paddling pool.

Why?

BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD A FUCKING ROLLS ROYCE, OR A SWIMMING POOL.

ALLRIGHT?
(Thu 29th Jun 2006, 17:12, More)

» Mugged

Many many moons ago.....
....when i was a yoof, i went out for a night on the town. All went well, good beer, company, pub etc.

Sure enough home time rolled around and it dawned on me i had no cash left for el taxi, having spent it all on dirty, cheap cider. Needless to say, not only was i cashless....i was also wankered.

So, off i trudged to the cash point to get some redies. Beep-beep, cash out, et voila...taxi time.

Not quite...

I turn around to be faced with what can only be described as a Nike-clad oompah lumpah. I shit you not, he was no taller than 4ft8. Bless him.

He pointed out that he had seen me enter my pin and would like to relieve me of both my card and my phone. Should i fail to comply he would summon his gang of heavies from around the corner to, as he so eliquently put it "smash my fucking skull in". Nice.

Now, bearing in mind that i'm 6"3, 17st and drunk, i thought i'd point something out to him....

"Right....you thieving cunt. If. And this is a big fucking IF. You had a gang around the corner surely they would have got someone a bit bigger than my Jack-fucking-russel to mug me. Cock."

A wave of chav-based confusion swept over his face. He thought everything through. I could see he was thinking everything through. So i leapt at him in a drunken state and screamed...

"FUCKOFFYOUROBBINGCUNTINGSCUMBAGDWARFANDGOANDFUCKYOURSELFAAARARRRRRRGGGHHHHH"

...or something to that effect. I was very drunk.

He ran off like a girl, and i got my taxi home. Yay.

Length? Girth? Gotta have both, my mugger certainly didn't. Click "i like this" because you know you do.
(Fri 16th Jun 2006, 10:19, More)