» Helicopter Parents

My late Auntie
Bless her soul, was a bit barkers, like most of the women in my dad's side of the family. We were on holiday in Cornwall at Caravan Park, and my dad and my Uncle are sat in the club house having a couple of drinks, when the option of "Late Lock In" was offered. My dad was well up for this, but my Uncle not so much so, because he'd be in trouble with my Auntie. Cue the entire bar, ripping the piss out of him for being hen-pecked.

Roll forward about 10 hours, and me and my dad go into my Auntie's caravan, and my dad regails his sister about how everyone was taking the piss out of my Uncle for being hen-pecked.

Her response... "TELL THEM DEREK, TELL YOU AREN'T HEN-PECKED... TELL THEM!"

I worry that even tho I'm a bloke, I'll turn batshit crazy like the rest of my dad's sisters!
(Thu 10th Sep 2009, 16:31, More)

» Call Centres

Not a story, but a way of playing with the Call Centres that phone you
Found on Stumbleupon: www.xs4all.nl/~egbg/counterscript.html
(Fri 4th Sep 2009, 1:42, More)

» Customers from Hell

Call Centre Story Reversal
OK, a bit of a reversal on the general theme:

So I called my wonderful bank HS-guess-the-rest, to complain about the fact that a credit card transaction had failed to be processed, and as far as I was being told by the vendor, was down to my bank declining the transaction. I'm not a stingey bugger, I had plenty of funds for this, but I digress...

So I'm calling the Complaints department of said bank, because I am an aggrieved customer. The "conversation" went something like this:

Me: "Hi there, I've got a complaint about the fact a transaction was declined"
Her: "......silence......"
(I listen a little closer, and notice she's not silent, but is infact talking to her colleague sat beside her)
Me: "HELLO"
Me: "HEEEEELLLLLOOOOOOO......"

(after a couple of attempts, I realise that the automated call system has patched my call through to her, and she is oblivious to the fact that she has a call. In fact, because of the distance of her voice, I summised that she had taken off her headset. The conversation she had with her colleague went something like this):

Her: "And he said, why can't you access my account, I've given you my details, and I said, well you haven't given me the correct security details, so I can't verify that you are the account holder, and the account is in your wife's name. Well my wife isn't here right now, and she's not going to be very impressed if I have to phone her up and wake her just to get her details for this stupid thing. Well I'm sorry sir, you will have to do this, or call back another time when you do have her details. I'm not FUCKing taking this bullshit, I demand you let me into the FUCKing system. Sir don't take that tone with me. Why the FUCK not, you're not being FUCKing helpful. I'm sorry I'm not being FUCKING helpful sir, but that's not my FUCKING problem... and another thing, who the fuck does he think he is, ordering me around like that, I mean fucking hell, I'm not here to take this kind of bullshit, that guy can go fuck off..."

(Towards the end of this tirade, her voice became decidely loudly, so I'd decided that she'd obviously put her headset back on. She was still oblivious to the fact she had a live call)

Her: "... I mean, what the fuck, if that guy thinks he can do my job bet..."
Me: "Hello..."
Her: "....Stunned Silence..."
Me: "Hello, I know you are there. Just for your information, I have recorded the last minute and a half of that conversation you've had with your colleague, and will make this available to your..."
Beeeeeeeeep. And I was hung-up upon.

So I promptly called the complaints department back, and spoke with another individual, who actually answered the phone, and I explained my original gripe, and now my new gripe that the complaints department took a call, ignored me, and then hung up on me when they realised they'd fucked up.

I know the kind of shit you call-centre types take, and I'm not defending the ass-hole who got her this wound up, but have some dignity and answer the phone and apologise for it. I since learned via a letter that they'd pulled the tapes of the incident, and the operator involved was reprimanded for her action.

And the sting in the tail, it was the vendors fault after all for not processing my credit card properly!
(Thu 4th Sep 2008, 19:46, More)

» I'm glad nobody saw me

Sex-haunted castle
Many years ago, I had the privilege to be my best friends Best Man. The wedding and the reception was to be held at a beautiful castle in the Scottish Borders. This thing proudly presents a massive hole in it's outer layer of stone where someone at sometime fired a cannonball at it, and didn't make it through the double glazing of the dark ages.

About 2 weeks before the beautiful day, the bride/groom, their respective families, and myself all roll up to the castle to go over various last minute things. As we're driving up onto the shingle, the sun beats down, and the air is beautifully clear. Things couldn't get much better than this.

But as we parked up, I realised that I had been driving for 2 hours and needed to clear my back alley from a minor obstruction that was starting to cause a backlog. So once we had made the pleasantries of introductions, I quickly scurried away to find the nearest public convenience, which was conveniently close by.

So I'm sat there, relaxing away, have myself a little pee, and then the blockage started to free itself. This was no eye watering event, it was no larger than I normally attain. Other than the mere fact I was in a beautiful castle, in beautiful surroundings on a gorgeous summer's day, it was merely an every day event taking place.

Every day event, except this time, I jizzed. Somehow, I must have been wanked off by a dirty ghost from the history of the castle, without me even realising it, and the knobbly brown fingers of the tickling turd had finally milked the old prostate, and made my little fella cry tears of joy. I was neither erect, nor did I have any feeling of exultation.

I was rather glad that nobody had seen me get wanked off by a ghost, and poo fingered to bring forth the haunted seed.

But obviously the ghost that wanked me off was not content with that, and probably somewhat annoyed that I neither got erectus maximus for her, nor did I actually orgasm. As come the wedding night, after having far too much alcohol to drink, I was neither capable, nor wanting to have any fun, but the morning after, oh yes I was. So me and the then girlfriend got down to some naughtiness. I got two strokes of the piston engine, and I came! The ghost had gotten her own back, and made me look a right failure in front of the girlfriend. And the girlfriend never let me live that one down.

Still, it was beautiful!
(Wed 2nd Feb 2011, 20:07, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

The Wife....
Used to work in a bar in Stirling, Scotland. For the most part it was the usual bar bs with the kitchen staff hating the bar staff vice-versa. One thing that does stick into my mind though, is the careful cooking method of the steaks.

I don't doubt that other bars do this as well, so be forewarned. The quickest way to cook a steak, is to deep fat fry it for a few minutes, and finish it off on the grill, to give it that "grilled taste". That'll be the same deep fat fryer that they do the chips in. The same chips that they sold with the Vegetarian meals!

Still they were tasty chips and steak!
(Wed 26th Jul 2006, 13:13, More)