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Profile for goulash51:
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Total lack of wit, charm or sophistication. But nevermind. Can't photoshop either.

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» Secret Santa

Secret Santa

I once worked with a woman who although quite young had a terrible problem with upper lip hair. Unfortunately she was one of these types who never seemed to notice that she had the beginnings of a Brian Blessed nesting on her upper lip. So I did the only sane thing I could do... Went down the highstreet and got a Gillette Mach 3 giftwrapped.

She never spoke to me again.
(Fri 15th Dec 2006, 12:35, More)

» Road Rage

Abusing the local constabulary
Late one night I was driving from Walsall back home to Shirley (in Birmingham) having just had a storming row with my ex-GF. It was about 2:30am and I was really angry. As I was coming down the dual carriageway approaching the University another car was approaching me on the other side of the road and his headlights were all messed up. You know how I mean, when one headlight is barely visible and the other is shining up in the sky burning brighter that the sun itself. So being in a foul mood I wound down my window, put my lights on main beam, honked my horn furiously, leant out of the window and whilst giving 2 fingers yelled "Get your Fu***** lights fixed you stupid C***!" As the car flew past the word "POLICE" was now clearly printed on the side of the car and a very red faced looking bearded copper was snarling at me.

Now in a state of panic I put my foot down, drove into the University car park, parked, turned off my lights and engine and prayed.

It was half an hour before I moved but I never got caught.

No apologies for length. My ex never got one so neither will you.
(Tue 17th Oct 2006, 11:17, More)

» Down on the Farm

Welcome to New Zealand
Having moved over to New Zealand from jolly old Blighty about 5 years ago I have received numerous culture shocks in the form of farming related events...

Within a week of getting settled in we were cruising along the state highway when I happened to glance in my rear view, only to see a weathered old farmer in his leather hat driving a battered old Ute (also known as a pick up truck to the rest of the english speaking world) with a full grown sheep plonked in the passenger seat, legs splayed apart, wearing a seat belt. We were soon to discover that this was not an uncommon sight round these parts...

Even watching a spot of TV over here can be an educational experience. I know understand what a "drench" is even if I don't understand why something you inject into a pissed off looking cow can still be named as such. I know have an overwhelming urge to own a ride on lawmower, or a quad, even a combine would be nice. Did you know that certain types of grass produce a greater amount of fat solids in milk per head of cattle? No? Well you probably don't care either, and nor should I. Yet somehow living in a country that still bases most of its economy around agriculture and farming permeates your brain in a way that is hard to describe.

Shotgun wielding maniacs are another hazard altogether... If you go hiking (or tramping as they call it over here) through the wrong patch of "bush" then you are liable to stumble upon one of the many Ganj plantations going on out here and then be chased by some angry looking guys with rifles.

Hunting is another favorite passtime out here. Deer, boar, possum you name it they shoot it and eat it. Took the family out for a walk one day and as we were loading up our backpacks three big Maori geeezers emerged from the bush, one of them with a huge boar hanging off his back. They proceeded to plonk said boar onto the ground and, with the precision of Michael J Fox trying to play a game of Operation, proceeded to hack it into chunks with a very large blade. We watched with a mixture of horror and grim curiosity until one of them noticed us staring and offered us a leg (still dripping blood). I politely declined and we went on our way sporting an interesting green hue.

I could go on but most of you have probably given up the will to live by now.

ps - having read the other QOTW posts I can confirm that yes most school kids do still knock around without shoes and yes they have been known to stand in cow poo to warm their feet (witnessed with my own 2 eyes). Also we don't have Boots the chemist over here (sorry).

Length? About 1000 Miles from the tip of the north island to the bottom of the south...
(Thu 31st May 2012, 3:04, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Mental Health
Having worked in Mental Helath Nursing for over 7 years I can wholeheartedly say that EVERYONE who works in the field of mental health is at least as insane as the people they call patients. On most in-patient wards the staff are far worse than the people they should be looking after.
Where's my Clozaril?
(Mon 1st Oct 2007, 7:30, More)