» Turning into your parents

Sheds
They are the greatest invention ever. I've just acquired my first one (and before my 40th birthday too). I've mentioned this to a large number of friends and the only response I've had from any of them (as long as they're male) is utter jealousy. It's not an age thing or a turning into your dad thing, it's just that every man regardless of creed, colour, sexual orientation or number of limbs was born to have a shed!

I'm going to hang some tools up on hooks in there now and perhaps sort some nails of different sizes into jam jars too!
(Mon 4th May 2009, 22:39, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

Do you know who I am
Some pub in the middle of nowhere, well Hebden Bridge actually, but you get the idea! About 2 hours into a Saturday night lock in. In walks Jason Orange (not a hero by any stretch of the imagination) with his mates/hangers on (delete where appropriate) Saunters up to the bar like he owns the place and asks for 8 bottles, barman says to him something along the lines of "sorry mate can't serve you, gone closing time". Usual celeb response of "Don't you know who I am" follows, barmans' answer "Yep and that's the other reason I'm not serving you"! Also saw the same thing done to a utterly trashed Richard Whitley a few years before!

Apologies for length, but it's my fist time and I didn't know how to fold it half!
(Sun 28th May 2006, 18:05, More)

» Neighbours

Is "mental" catching?
I've had my fair share (and then some) of slightly off the wall neighbours, the woman who complained to my mum that she could smell her cooking with too many onions on Sundays through her wall, to the ones who went round the local shops and take aways the day me and the ex moved in to tell then not to serve us as we were both into satan and witchcraft (we were both early 90's hair metal fans!). But "H" takes the biscuit.

H lived in the flat below us that we have recently moved out of, a decision that she did play no small part in. Amongst her, almost weekly, complaints to our flatmate about me & Mrs P were "I could hear those two fighting last night and they were using furniture to hit each other", "There's too many women walking round the flat wearing high heels, it goes on all day and it's really disturbing me". She also complained that she was sick of me walking round the flat naked during the day, how she could see what I was doing confused me especially as she was directly below us and the flat overlooked a main(ish) road with 3 restaurants and 6 guest houses directly opposite the block, which would make even the most fervent exhibitionist think about covering up, let alone anyone with my physique!

She also admitted to standing on our doorstep one afternoon, with her ear to the door, as she was convinced that she could hear me "making noise" (not any of the other 3 that lived there), which seeing as I was at work about 2 miles away & t'other half wasn't even on the same island at the time was an achievement! It didn't occur to her that as the building next door was being converted to 8 flats at the time, that might have been the source of the banging!

We had just over a year of her random complaints about us, which was a shame and spoilt a flatshare with a top bloke who we're still good friends with in spite of her attempts to convince him that I was a naturist transvestite wife beater!

The main problem with her is that she is one of the most respected shrinks over here and is the local equivalent of Frasier as she's the resident psychologist/councillor on the local radio station and is obviously 10 times more troubled than the people she's trying to help...

Length? Freud would say that it was my mothers fault...
(Fri 2nd Oct 2009, 20:23, More)

» Spoooky Coincidence

Family coincidence
Went to Surrey for a family wedding a couple of years ago, not a bad do, and for once no family fights! Monday after the wedding, Southern branch of the family invites me and northern parents for a day out on their cruiser on the Thames! I was staying at a mates place in North London that weekend so had a bit of a trek across town to get to the relatives place, got the train from Victoria and 3 stops away from getting off, my cousin gets on the train in the same carriage as me on his way to take the happy couple to the airport for their honeymoon, bit of a coincidence thinks I. Few hours later after "messing about on the river" (don't let me drive a boat again, I can't pass my driving test on 4 wheels let alone none!) we moor up for a bite to eat, 1st 2 boats that come past us while we are parked had the same names as my other cousin who'd just got married and her new hubby!
(Wed 14th Feb 2007, 22:12, More)