» Failed

They all speak English anyway
Not me failing (although I'm sure there are more than a few occasions when I have, I've just managed to block them out) - this story is about one of my ex-pupils in a French class I co-taught whilst desperately looking for another job in which I wouldn't have chairs thrown at me with worrying frequency.

In the pupil's French oral exam, he managed to get 0%. He did this by instead of answering any of the questions in French, answering them in English with a really bad French accent.

Teacher: Bonjour
Pupil: Ello
Teacher: Comment allez-vous?
Pupil: A sandweech and a can of coke
Teacher (slowly and trying not to laugh as this is being recorded to be sent to the exam board): Où habites-tu?
Pupil: I like to go sweeming and also going eento town with my freeends

etc, etc...

The good news is I escaped, have a lovely new job not as a teacher, and no longer have chairs thrown at me (very often anyway).
(Fri 5th Jan 2007, 15:34, More)

» Buses

bus trips in East London, and Mango Land
I write some bits and pieces for friends to keep them amused at work, and one of my topics is quite often bus trips. It all started when the tube was down last summer...

I’ve been busy riding buses around East London this week following all the tube cancellations. I love buses. On my trip from Walthamstow into Canning Town (and what a delightful place that is!) I’ve noticed many things that I found interesting - firstly, just how many kebab shops do we need in one area? I didn’t even realise there were that many in the UK… and I have a few questions about what I saw on my bus adventure:

1. To the owner of ‘Mango World’ - what possessed you to open up a food shop specialising in (and only stocking?) mangoes? How did you pitch this idea to your bank manager? Are there really that many mango addicts in E15?

2. K.A.K Mortgages - did anyone raise any concerns over the office name or is it only me that finds this amusing?

3. As above, but for the owner of Meb-Boob (it appears to be a travel agency.)

4. Shoe 4 U - is this a bad grammatical mistake or do you really only sell shoes in the singular - a specialist shop for people with one leg?

5. Chevy Chase pub - is it named after the actor? I like the ‘Three Amigos’ too, but not that much…

From there, an obsession grew amongst my friends for Mango World, so this theme continued... unfortunately the shop closed a few months later (or so I thought), leading to this recent update:

Regular readers will recall that, tragically, last year Mango Land of Walthamstow ceased trading*. It was a sad day everyone, and one that has cast a shadow over us all (although those wishing to buy cheap mangoes in bulk more than others) ever since…

But - what is this?! - are we seeing those much promised green shoots of recovery on the very pavements of E17 which so cruelly took the wonder that is Mango Land (previously Mango World) from our lives? Yes, dear friends and fruit lovers, like a fantastical green and yellow phoenix which also provides at least one of our five a day, I can hereby announce that MANGO LAND HAS RETURNED!

Brave fruit-based retailer, we salute you and your recession-battling ways, for surely you have provided what we embittered Londoners need - hope for the future (and mangoes).

I can report that Mango Land is back in the same spot in Walthamstow, ready and waiting for anyone wishing to purchase one (or perhaps a discounted six box) mangoes. They have new tarpaulin signage and have set up their wares outside the shop, using the inside of the premises to store crates upon crates of - you guessed it - mangoes! (I peeked inside)

You may also be interested to know that - possibly due to their bank manager’s advice - they have decided to diversify. Being creative mango-selling types, they have resisted what many would see as traditional routes open to fruit retailers and instead of branching out into, say, the avocado market or the melon business, they are now stocking clocks in the shape of wheels. Yes, they are now possibly the world's only mango and novelty wheel clock sellers on the whole of the planet. This makes me very happy.

*OK, so it is entirely possible that Mango Land did not actually go bust as first thought but instead that they only ever open during mango season, but that doesn’t sound as dramatic…
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 16:42, More)

» The most cash I've ever carried

Pachinko
Not me, but a friend who lived out in Japan at the same time as me, decided to go to a pachinko parlour with some of her mates. A panchinko parlour is filled with machines that are kind of a cross between a fruit machine and a pinball machine and they are filled with ball bearings.

Despite having no idea what she was doing and also having consumed one too many Asahi beers, she managed to win about £700 on a pachinko machine and stumbled haphazardly over to the prize counter to exchange her loot.

Given that it is illegal to give out cash prizes in Japan what they do instead is give you a random gift which you then take outside to the carpark where some friendly local yakuza gangsters who run the parlours will then swap your crappy gift for real yen.

Under the jealous eyes of the other pachinko players she handed over her overflowing plastic container of ball bearings and waited expectantly for whatever might appear. She was very excited when the woman from behind the counter gave her a box of chocolates - fantastic, she thought, and started greedily eating all of them, the alchol from earlier making her very hungry indeed. Given that it was quite a small box of chocolate, each suculent bit was costing her about £50.

Luckily, instead of ending up being the most expensive crappy box of chocolates ever, one of the friendly yakuza guys shooed her out into the carpark and gave her the money anyway. They let her keep the rest of the choccies (there was only a couple left by then anyway) and even gave her another box because they found her so amusing. Result!
(Fri 23rd Jun 2006, 12:48, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Thai moon
Myself and two friends - Miss S and Miss C - were on holiday in Koh Samui and had a very nice evening out involving copious amounts of both wine and spliffage. C had hired a moped (the lazy bugger) and stumbled round the corner to collect it, wherein S decided it would be hilarious to pull down her jeans and moon C as she came trundling unsuspectingly round the bend on said vehicle.

Giggling like a loon, S bend forward and wiggled her behind in the direction of the rapidly approaching moped, and given that she is blessed with pale Irish colouring, her fleshy bum glowed poetically in the light of the (real) moon.

It was at this point that I looked around and noticed that her intended victim was currently standing at the end of a side street watching quizzically as the scene played out. Had I not been laughing hysterically and unable to form a coherent sentence, I might have managed to tell S and prevent the unfolding disaster.

Given the position that S was in, she was unable to see the carnage she would wreak with her foolish nakedness, and was still giggling to herself about her prank.

Round the corner came two Thai boys on a scooter. The look of surprise and terror in their eyes is an image that burnt into my retinas and will remain with me forever. As I am sure the sight of my friend's shiny white arse will remain with them. With scream of shock they wobbled and drove into a tree.

Luckily the tree was small and the speed low, so I doubt they sustained any serious injury apart from the obvious mental scars of that traumatic night.
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 10:51, More)

» Guilty Secrets

Pleather Sofa...
I still feel very very guilty about this (although obviously not enough to actually own up to anything)...

When I was around five and my brother was about three, I decided I wanted to be an artist when I grew up and spent many happy hours decorating hundreds of sheets of paper with my childish scrawls. One day, when sitting on the sofa musing about what my latest masterpiece would be, I (and I'm still not sure exactly why) started drawing on the new pleather (fake tan coloured leather) sofa. Because I was so young and also b3ta wasn't about then, I didn't decide to draw a massive magenta cock, but instead drew a lovely eagle.

About 30 seconds later it dawned on me that my parental units may be less than impressed that I'd decided to decorate their furniture for them, and desperately started to hatch plans as to how I could undo my vandalism. Firstly, I went into the kitchen and asked mum for a water, then tipped it over the sofa. Bird drawing still there. Then I went out and said I wanted a coke - tipped over sofa, lots of fizzing, but still there. I then changed round all the cushions so that the doodled one was in the corner of the room where no one sat unless we had guests. This bought me a day to think about things, but as our aunt and uncle were coming over at the weekend I knew I didn't have long. I remember lying in bed thinking it all over.

The next day I waited until my mum was preparing lunch and me and my brother were left watching Sesame Street. I got out all my 'art materials' and selected a handful of crayons and felt tip pens and snuck over to the sofa. Making sure the brother was happily singing along to a tune about the letter B I took the pens and scribbled all over the eagle, making sure the artistic merits of my picture were completely covered with the giant mess of scribble. I then left the box of pens near the brother (hoping that he may even pick them up and get ink on him) and went upstairs to play with My Little Ponies for a few minutes.

I went back downstairs, popped into the lounge to check everything was set up properly and then wandered back into the kitchen. Thinking back I'm actually quite scared at the level of deviousness I showed at such an early age, and I went up to my mum and said:

"Mummy, I don't want to get M into trouble but I think he has done a bad thing"

I still get paranoid when a DFS advert comes on TV that one day someone will start to ask questions...
(Mon 3rd Sep 2007, 11:11, More)