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Profile for The Hedgehog From Hell:
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Hello! If you like things I have done on here, would you be interested in reading a book which I squeezed out of my brain?

You can buy it in electronic format here or as a paperback here.

Less recent front page messages:


(Tue 12 Feb 2008, 12:53, More)

Extremely small gladiators!

(Tue 29 Apr 2008, 16:07, More)

Only if I can stick this here.

(Wed 7 May 2008, 23:34, More)

now with added CFB

(Sat 24 Jan 2009, 15:18, More)

Theft detection app for iPhone

(Wed 17 June 2009, 22:28, More)

(Wed 9 Sep 2009, 20:37, More)


with apologies to Carl Heinrich Bloch
(Fri 25 Sep 2009, 13:11, More)


(Mon 16 Nov 2009, 13:02, More)

needs more building with a face on it
(Thu 28 Jan 2010, 2:39, More)

Meanwhile, in the sewer

(Thu 26 Aug 2010, 12:18, More)

(Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:53, More)

Sir Robert William Askin was the 32nd Premier of New South Wales

(Sun 3 Oct 2010, 19:25, More)

(Tue 4 Jan 2011, 23:40, More)

Birds have souls too, you know.
bird ghosts
(Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:15, More)

(Wed 19 Jan 2011, 17:44, More)


(Mon 24 Jan 2011, 23:25, More)

Recent front page messages:

Sir Robert William Askin GCMG, (4 April 1907 9 September 1981) was an Australian politician and the 32nd Premier of New South Wales from 1965 to 1975, the first representing the Liberal Party of Australia.

(Tue 9th Jul 2013, 23:36, More)

He's been in quite a lot of science fiction films


(Fri 21st Jun 2013, 14:19, More)

This is way too big, but it's unshrinkable. Smash the FAQriarchy!

(Thu 28th Feb 2013, 15:53, More)


(Sun 9th Dec 2012, 13:42, More)


Annotated version for schools
(Sat 10th Mar 2012, 17:28, More)


(Sat 25th Feb 2012, 11:04, More)

"You maniacs! You blew it up!"

(Wed 1st Feb 2012, 21:19, More)

Topical jokes are the backbone of b3ta

click for bigger

(Tue 23rd Aug 2011, 9:37, More)

I can't see any problem here

click for bigger

(Mon 23rd May 2011, 15:26, More)

here you go

(Wed 9th Mar 2011, 21:25, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Evil Pranks

A message from God
My lab partner at university was a kind soul, with a heart of gold. Unfortunately he was also the most incredibly gullible person on the planet. I shall not mention his name, because it would be unfair.

So anyway, Tanvir came from an extremely insular Pakistani community in Glasgow. Quite how he got into 4th year of a pharmacy degree thinking that babies came out of a woman's anus is surely an indictment of the Scottish education system. [N.B. this is not a lie, his flatmates had to sit him down and explain it to him.]

I am a very patient person, and became the one who had to explain to Tani what was happening all the time. I quickly learned not to use sarcasm. We were doing an experiment with the Karl Fischer apparatus, Tani sidled across to me and indicated the only piece of hardware on the bench.

"Is that the Karl Fiss-cher apparatus, the Karl Fiss-cher apparatus?" he asked me. I replied "No, Tani, the Karl Fischer apparatus is broken so today we'll be using the James Smith apparatus instead". Five minutes later I realised he was going through his notes and crossing out every incidence of the words "Karl Fischer" and replacing them with "James Smith".

That is not the story, though. One night I was venting about his denseness to my flatmates (one lapsed Protestant, one Hindu) and in a flash of incensed inspiration I said "I bet his password on the computers is his name!"

The next day we were using the spreadsheets, and he was sitting beside me. I looked out of the corner of my eye as he typed in his password with one finger.

T - A - N - V - I - R

Feeling pleased with my deduction being proved so accurate, I confided in my flatmates that I was correct about his password. They decided to put a message on his screen. I was not involved in the creation of the message. Honest.

The following week in the computer lab (bear in mind this was 1996, computers didn't grow on trees like they do now) I made sure I was sitting behind where he was. I watched as he typed in his password, and strange text filled the screen. "Huh?" he said, and started reading. The two girls sitting beside him noticed his confusion and started reading as well:

"Hello Tanvir, this is Allah.

I have been watching you, and I am pleased with your progress. Soon you will make your family proud.

Remember to abide by your Muslim principles, and continue to resist the temptations of alcohol and women."

(At this stage, the two girls were giggling, and Tani was chuckling in a puzzled manner. His chuckling stopped abruptly and he slapped his hands over the screen as he read the next sentence.)

"So remember: no drinking, no women, and no jerking off in the toilet when you think I can't see you."

The girls started asking him what it said. He made a high-pitched, strangled noise, and shook his head rapidly. He risked taking one hand off the screen to slap it randomly on the keyboard. The text vanished from the screen, so he took his other hand away. Half a second later, it reappeared and he slapped both his hands on the screen again.

Once the offending text had been removed, the tutor asked Tani if he had told anyone his password. "No!" he barked like a dog, shaking his head again.

I do feel bad about it, but we did all genuinely like him (to an extent) and got him to come out of his shell. We even cast him as a unicorn in the pantomime, after he believed another classmate who told him that scientists had captured a unicorn trotting through Duthie Park in Aberdeen.

I'm still not making any of this up.
(Wed 19th Dec 2007, 0:38, More)

» Redundant technology

Sony NW-A3000
In 2006, I decided to take six months off work and go around the world. CDs were a stupid, bulky and inefficient way to transport lots of music with me, so I decided to get an MP3 player.

Ipods were everywhere, but the Sony one had a good battery life, and it was available in purple. Purple is my favourite colour. Also, the text appears in white letters on the front of the device, as if by magic.

It suffered from the usual Sony curse of good hardware but lousy software. The Connect software that came with it caused my (new) computer to crash, and Sony soon disowned it and went back to their older SonicStage software. I transferred all my CDs into my computer, and stuck them on the little purple thing. They all fitted onto the 20gb hard drive with room to spare.

The long battery life was a godsend. It survived days on planes, trains and buses without needing to be charged.

It survived being dropped on the dock of Ha Long Bay in Vietnam, it shrugged off getting soaked in seawater on dinghys between the Whitsunday Islands in Australia, it lasted through freezing temperatures at night on Fraser Island. I bought a car in New Zealand and installed a stereo which took a headphone input, and it saved me from hours of religious radio stations in the south island.

Three years later, I decided to go off around the world again. The choice I had was either to replace it, or to stick with it. The battery was almost dead, and didn't hold a charge anymore.

All the music on my computer was in ATRAC format, which was not supported by any newer equipment. I could have re-ripped all my CDs, but that would have taken ages. Far simpler to buy a replacement battery on Amazon, take the thing apart and put the new battery in.

It had a couple of hairy moments. It conked out on a bus in Peru at about 4500 metres above sea level, but I borrowed a hairpin from someone and stuck it in the "reset" hole, and it worked fine after that. It survived the altitude and freezing temperatures on a mountain trek in Nepal. Higher up the mountains, it cost 10 rupees to plug it in and recharge it, but it was worth it.

It's been dropped more times than I can remember, frozen, baked, scratched, soaked, almost lost - the time when I thought I'd lost it in New Zealand, I would seriously have considered cutting my trip short and going home early.

It's been with me during most of the defining moments of my adult life. It has survived everything it's been put through, and it still works perfectly. OK, so it's old, and it takes ages to go through the menu screens, but it works.

And... it plays songs without a gap between tracks, which other contemporary MP3 players were not able to do. This may seem an odd thing to celebrate, but when you're playing an album on which the songs run into each other, it's important.

I've got it plugged into my amp right now, it's randomly cycling through songs I've given a 5-star rating and playing them on the 5.1 speakers. Sure, the sound quality isn't as good as you'd get from a CD, but I defy any normal human to actually give a shit enough to be able to tell the difference.

When it dies, I'll throw it out. Right now, though, it's giving every indication that it intends to live forever.
(Sat 6th Nov 2010, 23:41, More)

» Travel

I was a Scot living and working in Bournemouth
for about 14 months in 1998-1999. At this time, a long-forgotten airline was doing cheap-ish flights between Bournemouth and Edinburgh/Glasgow, and advertising them incessantly on STV.

I was walking through the city centre one day in the summer, and the female half of a fat Glaswegian couple accosted someone walking the other way and asked "'scuse me, where's the beach?"

"Ah dunno, just got off the plane mahself" replied the equally Weegie questionee.

These worthless, weekend-tripping fat-sacks were skimming the surface of Bournemouth's rich culture for a couple of days while I was living and working in the local community. Unless you've done that, you have no right even to claim you've been somewhere. You haven't experienced a damn thing of the place, and the locals have utter contempt for you - unlike those of us who truly travel somewhere and contribute something of ourselves.

Those fucking tourists made me want to vomit with disgust.
(Tue 23rd Apr 2013, 21:10, More)

» Lego

I posted this on /board a few years ago, might as well do it again here. Take as much piss as you feel is necessary.
I donated most of my Lego to my nephews, but I kept the spaceships I designed and built myself. One of our pilots has kindly offered to give you a guided tour.

[All images come with a click for bigger option]

"Hello, and welcome to the space port!"

"In this ship, the pilot sits reclined in the cockpit. As you can see from the thruster array, it's built for speed."

"This ship isn't as fast, but it's more maneuverable. By releasing the docking clamps, the cockpit section can detach from the main body of the craft for sub-orbital flight."

"Next up, we have the armoured personnel carrier. She may not be pretty, but she's tough. There is a manned plasma cannon, and personnel can either enter through the hatch in the back or via the detachable roof."

"This ship transports supplies and weapons. She's not fast, but she gets the job done. The tug section can be detached for combat."

"There is also a small runabout for atmospheric flight, and a couple of unmanned surveillance drones."

"Thank you for visiting our space port, I hope you found the tour educational and informative!"

(Thu 24th Oct 2013, 19:47, More)

» Things I've gone off

I've gone off pharmacy.
As some of you know, I sell drugs for a living. When I was at school, I wanted to be a doctor - but my Higher results weren't quite good enough to get an unconditional offer to study medicine, and the news was full of stories about the horrendous hours that junior doctors had to work. So after four years of university and another of pre-registration training, I was qualified to sell drugs to people.

It's a decent profession to be in, with a lot to recommend it. It's reasonably well-paid, and it's likely to be a secure job for life. Also, I was quite shy and introverted, and there's nothing like having to face the public every moment of the working day to bring you out of your shell.

Over the years, though, some aspects of it have really started to grate for me. It's very mentally taxing - not just counting tablets! - and I am ultimately responsible for both my own actions and those of the prescribing doctors (since if they make a mistake on a prescription and I dispense it, I still get most of the blame).

But the real problems, though, are down to three letters: NWO. Yep, the Illuminati have made me hate my job.

It was bad enough when I had to give out vaccines full of mercury that everyone knows make people autistic: I mean, what was the point? How does making everyone autistic make the population easier to control? Surely any sensible person can see that it's the opposite. You start to think that the Illuminati actually don't have a fucking clue what they're doing.

Then they asked us to help microchip the population. Well, I say "asked". The New World Order doesn't ask, it says "help us microchip the population or you'll end up on a register of paedophiles sooner than you can say 'Aunt Sally' - who, coincidentally, is going to have a tragic accident next week if you don't start doing what we ask". The uproar from the pharmacy profession would have caused reverberations around the world, if it didn't all have to be kept so secret.

The extra administration involved in keeping one set of unmarked "safe" vaccines for the Illuminati separate from the other set of unmarked "chipped" vaccines for the sheeple... well bloody hell, it was no wonder that it was all going to go tits-up. To this day, there are fully paid-up Illuminati who can't walk past a Starbucks wi-fi network without setting off alarms while herds of sheeple amble past unnoticed. Also, the process of cataloguing which chip was injected into which individual sheep was simply too cumbersome. Can you imagine the paperwork?

So what was the Illuminati's solution? Individual microchips placed in individual vaccines immediately before administration. Sounds like a much better idea, you might think. Yeah, have you ever tried balancing a microscopic chip on the end of a needle immediately before sticking it into someone's arm?

Also, a Saturday girl once unpacked a shipment of microchips while I was busy dealing with a patient. She asked what they were, and my NWO handlers don't work weekends so I had to throttle her to death myself. I didn't sign up for that.

Thank fuck for chemtrails, that's all I can say. They make my life so much easier. Well, them and all the shit they put in your tap water.
(Fri 16th Aug 2013, 21:32, More)
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