» I don't understand the attraction

'The Sun'
If you're too retarded to read a real paper then just buy the fucking Beano.
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 22:11, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

If only she knew.....
Mrs Powermonkey is 6 months pregnant with my child. She does not know that my sole motivation for impregnating her is so that I can buy industrial quantities of Lego, Meccano, and whatever replaced Action Man with impunity. The kids will never see these fine toys 'in case they break them'

Length: the girth of the Lego Death Star!
(Fri 18th Sep 2009, 21:21, More)

» Thrown away: The stuff you loved and lost.

2000AD and all that crap
The number of people who have posted about losing their entire, complete, priceless etc. collection of 2000AD comics leads me to the following conclusions:

1. 2000AD comics are as numerous as grains of sand on the beach, and therefore collectively worth fuck-all.

2. Each one of you nicked your collection from a fellow B3TA'ns bin when their mum threw it out, and merely 'cared for' the collection, until it was passed on to the next B3Ta'n through the medium of wheelie/bins.

So which is it, and if its 2, whose looking after the collection now, as I fancy a read?
(Tue 19th Aug 2008, 10:04, More)

» Road Rage

Crazy Cabbie
Earlier this year I was on a work sponsored pissup in Amsterdam, all good fun, but you get odd looks when you ask for a receipt froma lap dancing bar. Anyhoo, we checked out of the floating palace that is the Amstel Botel, and hailed a taxi to take is to schipol Airport. Our driver soon proved that he learn to drive through playing a mixture of Colin Macrea rally and Grand Theft Auto: he wasnt bothered which side of the road he was on, he just picked the one with the least traffic on it; bus and tram lines, one way streets, roadworks? all just opportunities for him to show off his utter bastard-driving skills. Once we got out of town he calmed down a bit, and stuck to a sedate speed on the motorway. He pointed out to us that these are speed cameras in every gantry, and they are all loaded. Anyone who went past us over the speed limit, he good naturedly tooted his horn at them and pointed at the cameras. However, a big angry fella went storming past in a BMW M3, and when our driver tooted at him, he flicked us the bird! Well, our would-be-rally driver was having none of this, and preceeded to pull out and chase the BMW, at 130, in the pissing rain, very very close to his bumper. I was pretty scared at this point, but it was nothing compared to the brown trousers moment I felt as our driver suddenly remembered what he was meant to be doing that day, and swerved accross 5 lanes of traffic, literally running a Polo off the road, so that he could make the last exit for the airport. His aggressive driving forced 2 minibuses to pull over on the slip road to the airport, and his comment? 'everyone is crazy today, they cant drive!'. And he was fucked off that we didnt give him a tip.

Length? Its been up and down like a Yo-Yo today.
(Sat 14th Oct 2006, 17:35, More)

» Barred

Bastards
I have been barred from the following:

A posh schools old boys club for setting fire to the carpet
Another posh schools old boys club for stealing a table/stealing drinks/breaking the urinals
My local pub, 4 tims, for fighting on the pool table, stealing pool balls, being far too young back then, and trying to eat someone else's dinner
My local India/chinese/any other nationality restaurant, for calling the staff thieving chinky bastards/ enquiring as to whether the waiter had gone all the way to dirkadirkastan to get our beer/ for taking my sister there, who is a rude and evil individual, and also steals salt and pepper pots, and occasionaly tablecloths.
Thrown out of The Works nightclub in Bristol (yes, its sh*t) for being sick on a bouncer and some pretty girls.
My local off license, for fighting over the last can of Helden Brau Super (central heating for tramps!)
Having written all this, its amazing I now have a job, a wife, and a better car than you!
(Sun 3rd Sep 2006, 19:42, More)