» Spoooky Coincidence

RAPE!!
This is from my nan so might be a load of shit, but anyway. My mum and aunt are twins so they have weird "twin telepathy" moments and are usually a load of shite but this one is spoooky.

My mum and aunt went out and whatever, coming back home they split up as my mum had her own house and my aunt lived with my grandparents at the time, about 5 mins later, my mum felt realy bad and phoned my nan to see if aunt was there, "no" came the reply "is there a problem", mum goes "i don't know but can you look for her".

My nan shouts her name down the street which is followed about 10 seconds later by a manly scream, and a minute later by an out of breath aunt shouting "call the police".

Turns out she was being attacked and the man was trying to rape her and she couldn't repel him much longer, then came the call from my nan, to which he was momentaraly distracted.

So she fucking nutted him as hard as she could and as he fell to the ground holding his head she *stamped* with her high heely bit, on his nut sack, then came the manly scream, but it didn't stop there she proceeded to bite off a chunk of his hand as he tryed to grab her, she got the bit bettween index finger and thumb.

Thats how the police caught him, she noticed a man with mutiple cuts and plasters, and a big fat bandage on his hand, she called a nearby police man and that was that.

Length? she didn't get to see it for all the blood after she stamped him.
(Wed 14th Feb 2007, 2:54, More)

» Failed

Failed test
I once failed an english spelling test.

The guy reading out the words was not only not even english, and so read the words wrong "the word is beca*big gap*use" but he had numerous problems with talking in general, stuttering, having a lisp, saying w insted of r, amongst other things.

As he came into the classroom he slurred introduced himself as the substitute teatcher as teacher was "ill".

He said we'd be doing a spelling test (sounded like he said we'd be smelling zest) and gave out paper.

"Guestion 1: and"

and so on, it got difficult to not shout WHAT THE FUCK by number 23

"Guestion 25: Fill off I see" (=Philosiphy, as ill teacher said when she went through it.)

Girl who I will call Sue: "Excuse me sir could you please use it in a sentance"

Sub Dude: "Ok, Fill Officers Studded Fill Off I See" (Philosiphers study Philosiphy)

Whole Class: "WTF"

Girl who I will call Bob: "Whats A Fill Offi..."

At which point Subbie loses it: "SHUUUUUUUUUUUH" (Shut up i think)
...
"Guestion 50" Good, I think, last one "Shrabblepreptate"

Most of class: "WTF sir talk properly"

Sub Dude storms out in a fit matched only by my 10 year old sister when she lost her gameboy. Head of year comes in and says that shes had complaints of staff being "abused". Class explains situation with people shouting "What a twat" and "FUCK" at random intervals.

No-one believed us until the teacher saw that the whole class with 25 of us put together was under 200 marks, and our class was one of the brighter/less chav infested ones.

We retook that test and everyone in the class got 30 marks or above (exept fot the resident thick kid who got 13)

The other day I walked down the highstreet and saw him, he gave me glances as if to say "You fucking cost me my fucking job you fucking fuck"

BTW if you want to see real failure go to google and type in failure then press the "I'm feeling lucky button"...he certainly was, weapons of mass destruction my fucking arse.
(Mon 8th Jan 2007, 18:04, More)

» Strict Parents

...
My parents are generally fine, but my mum takes great offence to the word "turd". Seriously she'd be less shocked if I shouted "cunt",

I got grounded for 3 months once, for calling my dad a turd-burgler...
(Tue 13th Mar 2007, 22:55, More)

» Spoooky Coincidence

Not so much spoooky as annoying...
...but whatever it is i'm doing my sister knows what i'm thinking, I was watching tv thinking "bloody hell he's fat" then within 5 seconds she goes "yeah he is isn't he"

me:"what"
sis:"he's fat"
me:"but I didn't say jack shit"
sis: "I didn't say you said anything"

and

me:(thinking of dock of the bay)"damn whats that song"
(thinking of riff but can't put words to it)
Sis takes remote control for no apparent reason and flicks channels to Biography (she hates biography) and there it is, playing from the very first note, sitting on the dock of the bay, on the biography of Otis Reading!
(Wed 14th Feb 2007, 2:50, More)

» Spoooky Coincidence

And another... (Last one)
My phone rang the other day, and I picked it up and did the greeting stuff, Hi how are you yeah i'm fine thanks blah blah blah, then my friend said "what did you ring me for then".

I obviously say "no you rung me what do YOU want"

He says somthing along the lines of "no you definatly rung me"

I suspect it's a prank or somthing and put the phone down.

Couple of days later he shows me some text he got off a girl, then i look on his received calls list, and it has the call I had there, exactly the same SECOND as my phone said.

We concluded that there was no way this could have been our fault and it must have been a call that the phone company randomly connected by accident. But what are the chances that they would connect us together?

Length, he said its huge but his girlfriend didn't.
(Wed 14th Feb 2007, 3:06, More)