» Buses

Connie the large
A girl, Connie, who got kicked out of our school for violent outbursts and beating up fellow students would NOT be deterred from her reign of terror. Even the boys were terrified of her. The school had thrown her out but that didn't stop her terrorizing us at the bus stop!

Now, this girl is huge in every sense of the word. Around 6 foot but obese is an understatement...she was a planet. I thought she had broken my arm in a fight once. Anway, another girl, Liz got such a beating on the way home that Connie was banned from taking the buses in that area- EVERY bus driver knew her by the end of that week and refused to let her on!

Did this stop Connie? No sir!

We silently shuffled on to the bus home, even the rastafarian bus driver looked frightened and kept saying "Connie, no man no!" when she tried to get on.

Now, being a bunch of mouthy schoolkids determined not to look afraid of this beast, the "who the fuck does she think she is" and "we could have so fucking taken her" started to come out when we wrongly assumed we were safe on the top deck...the bravado got out of control and before I knew it, there was a row of middle fingers along the top deck window (me included in this) flipping her off! It was like a competition as to who had the biggest death wish.

The chants of "fatso" started and we were all quite happy to be proclaiming "I'M not afraid of her!" until Connie, in the most frightening way possibly RIPPED THE BUS DOORS OPEN. A bit like when Miss Trunchbull lifts up a car in the movie Matilda; and I swear to God I actually heard her roar:

The change was phenomenal, all of a sudden we stopped boasting that we "could easily take her" and started running to the back of the bus screaming "shiiiitt!!!" and "ruuunnn!!" unanimously. I'm ashamed to admit I started yelling "we're all gonna die!"

Thank God the bus driver sped off in terror or we probably would have died as running to the back of the bus wouldn't have protected us much!

When we realized Connie wasn't barging up the stairs to break our bones, we were all so embarrassed by what wusses we were that nobody said much. That was the quietest bus journey home from schoolkids ever. The pedestrians must have loved it.

I have never felt like such a pussy in my life, and anyone I know who was on that terrfying bus journey, well, we don't really talk about it!
(Sat 27th Jun 2009, 14:59, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

"Mum, honest, I'm really not like that...!"
Oh Reece...

My friend Reece is a twat, great guy deep down, but it has to be said he has arsed up more than one good party, he is a total fucking liability at the best of times (and he will be the first to admit this)... but a hate group about him on facebook? Well somebody obviously has a lot of juvenile time on their hands!

This malicious, but completely true in its accusations group, showed him covered head to toe in USED CONDOMS and other public toilet matter after rolling around drunk on the floor, trousers around ankles, toilet paper stuck to his face. He looked like a dog that had been rolling about in a dung heap. Yes, many a photo were taken.

This group contains stories about his supposed invisible STD magnet he takes out everywhere with him, which the idiot agreed with using his own account to write on the wall.

Shows pictures of him drunkenly slobbering over girls who were a lot mroe sober and alot less interested, one in which he is blatantly staring at some girls huge knockers.

Three of him snogging men.

One photo of him with horribly obvious cocaine residue, one with a raging hard on...

Every single photo is either incriminating, drug-themed, unflattering or vomit-covered.

He took it well, and actually partook in this group until his "friend", creator of said group, did something which was out and out unforgiveable.

He added Reece's Mum.

Apparently she cried.

There was nothing he could do, she had photographic evidence of what a grade A deviant her son is. My mate told me he still can't look her in the eye.

Reece, if your reading this, I had nothing to do with it, and I'm sorry she won't send you much money at uni anymore...would say this happens to the best of us but it doesn't. love you buddy.

.
(Sun 14th Sep 2008, 15:12, More)

» Karma

May Day Protests, teenaged punkery etc...
This little stunt bit me on the arse so bad...

As a 15 year old goth kid who hated school, I found the May Day protests a valid enough excuse to bunk off. I changed out of my uniform in the toilets, got the bus to Oxford Street and met up with some very hot university students at the station who I immediately bonded with. After swigging from a vodka bottle, smoking a copious amount of weed and general tomfoolery...I decided I had better get home at a reasonable time or the folks would know I hadn't gone to school.

Of course, I didn't have enough cash for the trains and the buses had stopped due to the still ongoing protest. After about an hour of trying to get home and failing I finally called my Dad to come get me on the train, confessing where I was.

The old man bellowed down the phone that they "bloody knew" -they had already seen me on the television! They had spotted my black and pink hair and trademark jacket a few hours before and had been trying to angrily call my mobile to have a go at me. No amount of apologizing could get my dad in a better mood to come and get me, so I, totally stoned almost passed out on a bench trying to prepare for Dad's wrath to come.

After that a homeless person tried to beat me up for "stealing his bench" and a do-gooder attempted to take away the safety pins on my jacket because I "looked like a self harmer"

Dad eventually turned up with as face like thunder, hollering at me in the street , and me still having not gotten the weed and vodka out of my system, rambling and giggling like a manic 5 year old. It didn't go down well as I was practically dragged unto the train.

When I got home Mum was a nightmare. Besides the banshee-like screaming and plate going smashed, I got the playstation, my only real mate at the time locked up for ages but I didn't care because the munchies had kicked in and all I wanted was food. I will never forget the look on my Mum's face when I interrupted her outraged lecture with a slurred "what's for dinner?"

Approximately an extra two hours shouting was earned from that.

That was about 5 years ago and I'm still being reminded of that day off I took. If I've learned anything from this, it's that if you're somewhere you shouldn't be and TV cameras are liable to be around...it's best not to have unmistakable pink hair.
(Fri 22nd Feb 2008, 17:01, More)

» Spoilt Brats

This absoultely takes the fucking cake.
uk.youtube.com/watch?v=kQRBaBYoXnM

Her and her parents...foul...

I hope they die.
(Wed 15th Oct 2008, 17:09, More)

» Will you go out with me?

Never accidently suggest inbreeding!
I get made fun of about this to this day.

After a very nasty breakup, my friend, in a good-hearted attempt to cheer me up, introduced me a single guy she was friends with in our local.

He was hot, I couldn't thank her enough!

After chatting to him for quite some time, somehow the conversation got to what parts we were from in Ireland (last names, our accents, we added it up) he was from the same county I was from and was amazed to hear how large my family was (those horny catholics...)

WHAT did I fucking blurt out?!

"Oh my God! Chances are we're most probably related-"

You know when you say something daft when you're chatting someone up, and the mood almost auidibly drops?? THAT HAPPENED!

My friend looked at me as if to say "you...plonker..." and proceeded to tell me what a bloody stupid thing that was to say, later in the toilets!

We ended up just being friends if anybody cares...

Lesson? If you think you have a shot with somebody, never, under any circumstances suggest they could be your long lost cousin! The practice of inbreeding, it seems, is still frowned upon no matter how drunk somebody is.

Silly silly...
(Wed 3rd Sep 2008, 21:01, More)