» Beautiful but Bonkers

Lego Nutter
Last year I was sitting alone in my basement thinking about apartheid when I came across the idea of building myself a girlfriend out of Lego. I'd seen the film 'Weird Science' so I knew that stuff like that was possible so I got to work.

After about 10 minutes I had built her lego tits and lego head. She was quite a looker but was slightly ginger. This upset me a bit and I toyed briefly with the idea of dumping her. "No Brady" I thought to myself "you cant dump a bird comprised only of lego tits and a lego head. Besides, you made her ginger! What did you do that for if you don't like gingers? Fucking idiot!"

"Good point" I said out loud in response to my own statement and carried on working. I got busy grafting her legs and arms and then begun the most important job of all - her lego fanny.
This was a work of art. "i'll give her 3 labias" I thought to myself before deciding against it and just sticking to the basics.

Soon she was completely finished and I tried to fuck her. She was having none of it and just lay there completely rigid. "Come on you Lego bastard" I bellowed in her face. Nothing.

Not even a word of thanks for building her. I got angry at this point and punched her in the tit, knocking her lego nipple clean off. It made a pinging sound as it bounced off the wall.

Still nothing!!! Couldn't believe it. "dont you ever say anything? You idiot? I don't know why I go out with you". At this point I had a moment of epiphany. I realised she was completely deranged and I decided to end it there and then. I knocked her down and built a car out of her. Vroom vroom!!
(Sun 19th Nov 2006, 14:19, More)

» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

wasting everybody's time...
I recently met a woman at my local supermarket. Well... when I say "met", what I really mean is 'bought' and I suppose a more appropriate word than 'woman' would be 'pineapple'. But I stand by the use of the word 'supermarket' I'm quite happy with that particular choice thank you very much.

Anyone want some pineapple?
(Mon 16th Apr 2007, 13:30, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

CarpetRight
I once went onto that internet thing and typed in "sex porn". The next thing I know is, three strippers have turned up in my attic and begin insulating it with that fluffy yellow stuff (it's made out of baby chicks).

The next day the strippers are in my garden having it off and bumming each other and stuff, so I go back onto my computer and type in "racism is a bit cheeky" (which it certainly is! I do not approve one bit) and that George W Bush tunnels up through my living room floor and starts sanding down my skirting boards.

So in answer to your question, yes. Yes I would like a Strepsil.
(Fri 17th Mar 2006, 20:27, More)

» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

The Wheelybin gesture
There is a woman down the street from me called Woolworths. She's massive and a bit 'building shaped' but I still love her. I love the way her enormous rectangular eyes, made from what can only be described as 'glass' sit either side of her door-like mouth.

I spend what seems like centuries in my loft masturbating over and over again about the way she manages to store countless cd's, dvd's and other electrical goods (along with a range of childrens wear confusingly) inside her huge square head. People wander about inside her but I know its me that she wants.

I stand outside watching from behind a lampost, always resisting the temptation from the local slags - 'JJB Sports' and 'Argos'.
I wander up to the door, my heart pounding and my lungs listening to their IPOD nano.
Cautiously I roll up the leg of my dungarees and remove my hard hat. For a second, I wonder to myself why I decided to dress like Bob the Builder today, but that thought soon drifts away. After all, I have recently been diagnosed with Schizophrenia! I can do anything I like! Beep beep.

Anyway, I point at my shin bone and scream into 'Woolworths' face "SHINNNNNNN". No response at all. Heartbroken at this, tears come rapidly from my eyes. And also from my cock. They call it 'piss' when it comes from there though. So there I am, Woolworths in front of me, completely indifferent to a crying and urinating man dressed as Bob the Builder with his shin on display. JJB and Argos behind me, sniggering and probably flicking themselves off. Whores.

What do I do? What I should have done a long time ago - I found a wheelybin and climbed inside. I pretend it's a spaceship sometimes.

Blast off!
(Fri 13th Apr 2007, 11:48, More)

» Personal Ads

Peter Andre helped me fire my beans
I went through a phase of submitting personal ads in the early nineties but due to a number of mental issues I had, for some inexplicable reason I imposed the rule on myself that I must only use lyrics from the song Mysterious Girl by Peter Andre.

My first advert went as follows: "Woah oh oh oh oh oh oh." Did I get a reply? Did I snot.

I pondered the various reasons for the snub and came up with the answer - my ad was effectively meaningless so I had another crack at it. The second ad read "I stop and stare at you, walking on the shore. I try to concentrate, but my mind wants to explore."

This was more successful. "Brilliant" I thought, but to my dismay, the dirty trollop I had lured actually WAS Peter Andre. He turned up round my gaff, all greased up like a sweaty kebab seller. "Hiya mate, hows about a bit of a cuddle" He propositions me, seductively rubbing his 5-pack.

"No thanks, Andre I'm after a bird thanks. And anyway, didn't you used to have a 6-pack? What happened to the other erm ...pack?"

"I sold it mate" came the reply. "Rhino from Gladiators got confused and attacked his own stomach and then he offered to buy mine for £20 and a shitload of Um Bongo so I jumped at the chance."

"Bye". I said closing the door and set about composing a more deliberate 3rd advert.

"The Tropical Scent of you, takes me up above. Girl when I look at you, oh I fall in love!"

I sat by my phone and waited for the inevitable response. It took 5 minutes. It was only Andi F*cking Peters. He said I'd charmed him with my beautifully constructed verse and wanted me to bum the shit out of him. I was bored by this point and decided I might as well bum the little twat.

Then I watched Allo' Allo'!

Good 'Moaning'
(Sat 15th Sep 2007, 15:37, More)