» I hurt my rude bits

Visiting Manchester University
in the sixth form, before I made all my choices and that gash. as I got there turned in the the courtyard of the main building, and looked up at an impressive clock tower or something, and said to my mother "oooh, that's a ni........."

and that's as far as I got, you see, what I hadn't seen amongst the crowd was the blunt, cast iron, knacker high bollard that had stuck itself right in my oblivious way. Upon striking this implement I did the full bend double whilst trying to count my spuds thing. This would have been bad enough on its own had my mother not burst into hysterical laughter causing everyone in a fifty feet radius to turn and see a rather embarrased captain wow to stuggle to the nearest door and find somewhere for a good lie down
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 22:53, More)

» Oldies vs Computers

My friend worked in tech support
and got a call from a gentleman whose computer "wasn't reading the CD he'd put in it". After spending close to an hour going through all the various system settings that could have affected the CD drive's performance, and finding nothing wrong, he asked out of desperation, "eject the CD and give it a clean, dust on the shiny side could stop it being read."

"why would dust on the shiny side hurt, I've got the CD with the writing facing down so the computer can read the text on it...."

Genius
(Fri 22nd Sep 2006, 15:12, More)

» Heckles

Sheffield Wednesday v Norwich
at Hillsborough with my season ticket over christmas a few years ago, and the Owls are taking a good old humping from Norwich City 5-0 with a Wednesday player sent off for good measure. Most of the crowd had left at 4-0 at half time, so the only people still there are the die-hard nutters, and people like me who are there for the laugh when and don't really care unless its close. with about 5 minutes to go during a quiet moment, and with Wednesday maybe looking like starting an attack, I stand up and shout "next goal winner!" to be followed by "nevermind..." after another crossfield pass went out for a throw in.

Got a fair mix of hearty laughs and glares from those still in the stands...

ps montyyouterriblecunt, don't steal heckles from David Baddiel's too much information tour video, someone will catch you out...
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 0:36, More)

» Useless advice

My Mother
Handely my mum puts a useful filter at the start of any piece of godawful advice, by stating

"as daft as it sounds....."

Apparently she just doesn't realise how daft these things sound, and are!

If only I could think of a good example.....
(Thu 19th Oct 2006, 14:31, More)