» School Projects

The most ill conceived school project ever
I majored in Anthropology in college, and for my senior project I had to do a paper or project on material culture in the modern world. I chose to do mine on Russian prison tattoos. I was not what you'd call a "motivated" student, (I finished 22nd from the bottom in my class) so it got to be a couple days before it was due and I hadn't even started.

There was no way I was going to be able to write a 20 page paper in a couple days, so I opted for the project instead. What arose in the next couple of days has become the stuff of legend at my school, and the professor still uses my video as an example in class. I decided to videotape myself getting an authentic russian prison tattoo on my ass. Words fail to describe the experience, so I'll let the video do the talking.


www.vspworld.com/vsp/?p=20

Oh yeah, I got an A.
(Fri 14th Aug 2009, 18:06, More)

» Banks

Not my story, but my parents.
I think my parents have one of the best "how we met" stories ever.

It was the late 70's and my father, who was in the Air Force, had just been transferred to Washington D.C. He was a bit of a ladies man back in the day, and he was always on the lookout for a pretty girl. He was making a deposit at the bank, and a young girl working as a teller there caught his eye. He went back there a few more times, always waiting a little extra so he could be at her window. They chatted and flirted a few times, and one day he decides he is going to ask her out.
Before he goes in, he writes a little note with a restaurant and time and his phone number, thinking he is so smooth doing it this way. He waits in line and slides the note under her window. She doesn't even bother to read it, assuming it is a holdup note, and presses the silent alarm. He is casually flirting with her while she is growing more terrified and confused wondering when he will ask her for the money.
The police show up soon and try to arrest my future father, the whole time he has no idea what is going on. (He's a wonderful guy, but a bit clueless.) Eventually he gets the cops to read his note, and the confusion is cleared up and they let him go. He got the date, and a few years later they were married with one of the coolest "how we met" stories ever.
(Fri 17th Jul 2009, 0:04, More)

» What was I thinking?

As a young boy in America
I spent my summers the same way most upper middle class kids do here, I got shipped off to summer camp so my parents could enjoy a few weeks without having to deal with me and my siblings.

It was actually great fun, the camp was in the Rocky Mountains, so for a city kid like me, it was a whole different world. Unfortunately it also meant that I was not quite as familiar with some of the activities there as the kids who came from less urban areas, especially when it came to riding horses. This resulted in me being put on a trail ride with kids half my age, and not being allowed to ride faster than a snail's pace.

My friend, who also got put in this group found it just as boring as I did, and we made up a game where we would try to steer our horses to walk over anthills, and anticipated taking great joy in watching the ants swarm out to mourn their destroyed former home.

Unfortunately, what I didn't know, being from the city, was that these ants were Fire Ants, and when my horse stepped on the anthill, the ants bit its legs, causing the horse to rear up and throw me off, and causing me to land in the middle of the swarm of angry ants.

I got off relatively easy, maybe 15 or 20 EXTREMELY painful bites, but I definitely deserved it.
(Mon 27th Sep 2010, 18:10, More)

» Vandalism

My first job
Was at Papa John's Pizza (Oh the shame!) making pizzas for minimum wage. The only perk of the job was that I got to take home as many pizzas as I wanted at the end of the night.

Since you can only eat pizza so many times a week, my friends and I, being teenagers, found other ways of disposing of the pizza.

In my neighborhood, there was a bright purple Chrysler PT Cruiser. I don't know if they have these in the UK, but they are the ugliest cars that have ever been made.

This is the abomination I am talking about

To make things worse, the owner of the car had the audacity to proclaim their pride in owning such a piece of donkey excrement with the license plate: PTCRUZA. Naturally this would not stand, so my friends and I pledged to attack this car with the our full arsenal of pizza reserves every night.

For weeks we would drive by and throw slice after slice at the car, laughing as each slice stuck to the bright purple paint, and every day, the owner would dutifully clean off the car. Apparently Papa John's pizza has some sort of chemical superingredient in it since even after washing, dozens of wedge shaped discolorations remained on the car.

This went on for weeks, until I quit the job. A few days later, I was hanging out with a friend, and we went to his dad's house to pick something up. (His parents are divorced and he lived with his mom) I had never been to his dad's house before. His father had a brand new Lexus parked out front of his house. I complimented his dad on his new car, and he said: "Yeah it's great, but I really liked my old car."

"Really? How come you got rid of it, was it old?"

"No, it kept getting vandalized."

"Yeah, that happens in this neighborhood, those kids will tag anything."

"Oh no, it wasn't graffiti."

"Oh? what was it?"

"Pizza. Every day my car would get covered in pizza."

I cannot believe I was able to restrain myself.

Still, it serves him right for a grown man to ride around in a purple pseudo-minivan.
(Thu 7th Oct 2010, 20:49, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

I'm going to be the only one
With the balls to admit that I am the bullshitter.

Yes, it's true. This isn't a story about "this guy at work" or "my friend."

I make up lies and tell them to people. Not big ones, that's how you get caught. I don't do it because it makes me feel like an important person or because I desperately want people to think I'm better than I am. I usually do it when I am at a bar/party and don't know anybody because it is far more entertaining to me to make up a persona and try not to blow my cover than to stand around answering the same "what's your job," "Where are you from," "Who do you know here" questions with everyone I meet.

Some of my favorites:

I am the guy who changes the giant numbers on the scoreboard at Fenway Park.

At a bar, I pretended I was a bereaved Irishman, accent and all (I'm American) here to attend my dead uncle Seamus' funeral. I had 2 friends with me who kinda-sorta knew what was up, and I put them on the spot all night by asking them to sing my poor dead Seamus' favorite song, or to share their favorite memories of him. We kept the ruse going all night and nobody caught on.

Another time a friend and I pretended to be German tourists who spoke no English, and we communicated with each other all night in Teutonic-sounding gibberish. The peak of the night was when we ordered "eine schnapps, bitte" and some redneck walks over and takes our shots away from us saying: "AW hell naw, we don't drink that shit here, you gotta drink some Jack Daniels!" And proceeded to order us Jack Daniels all night long. Our ruse was discovered when some snooty German major had the gall to tell us that we weren't actually speaking German. We legged it right the hell out of there!

There are many more, and I'll post them if I remember them. I love doing ones that involve accents because it really forces you to be in character the whole time, but also increases the risk of being caught. If I do get caught, I'll come clean and say, "Yeah, I was fucking with you the entire time, I am never going to see you again and it is more fun that small talk." It's somewhat intimidating at first, but I would recommend trying it at least once, it really is great fun.
(Fri 14th Jan 2011, 21:16, More)