» Putting the Fun in Funeral

My Sisters ex husbands long long trip to the after life….
My sisters ex died suddenly of an excess of gravity (twat fell into a hold on a ship pissed while shouting abuse at a deck hand working for him). Now my sister and him hated each others guts but for the sake of the kid she did the right thing with the inlaws at the funeral, she was greatly surprised to be handed the casket a while later as they were sure she would know what he would have wanted done with it as he had left no specific instructions.

So being the woman scorned she did the following, (please note he hated all the following places and services with a vengeance).

1 Dropped his ashes in several Micky D, Little Chief fine food establishments.
2 Places small amount in envelopes and sent them to non existent address around the world with no return address( he hated the post office for some reason!)
3 Mixed with bread and feed to seagulls, he hated these and their plop (shame as he is part plop now)…
4 She asked me to deposited some in urinals so he could be pissed on by strangers. ( I obliged her by doing this in several establishments including the George in Dublin (very pink establishment) as he was a skank homophobe as well…
5 He wanted to be laid to rest at sea being a jolly jack tar, We feed some to his remains to his dogs so he could be shit out a dogs ass. then flushing same, so he could take the long journey to the sea via the sewers in a dog doo raft (not quite the Styx , I should have jammed a few coins in the log for Charon)..
6 The rest of his ashes are still in my sisters bedroom so he can witness her not faking an orgasm…

As to the rest of his worldly remains, any sadistic and sickening suggestions are more than welcome….

Length? well Mrs Rubbersheep never moans, still maybe if I ever manage to wake her up she might…
(Fri 12th May 2006, 11:36, More)

» Missing body parts

Is that a Gun urgh…Scream..
As a nipper, I and a few mates were shouting abuse at an older boy who we believed shagged cats..as you do.. Anyway he bravely ran away from four eight year olds into his house. Must have been terrifying for a 16 year old twat!
A brief pause and an window opens, an object extends from the net curtain, My mate starts to says “is that a gun” gurgles and screams in pain as blood gushes from his mouth, We all stair at him in shock. He then starts to spit out blood and bits of teeth…
So we all do the right thing and run off screaming.. Turns out the older lad then tries to get the victim not tell anyone… Eventual someone’s dad takes him to casualty, he loses three teeth and has bits of lead pellet stuck in his throat. Fucked up his whole summer holiday as he had his teeth wired up while they tried to fix the damage..
So what happed to the shooter, he go a caution from the filth… Where is the justice in that?...

Well, many years later I run into the shooter who is pissed out of his tree falling about in the street crying as his wife has left him, turns out not only did she leave him as he has a tiny tool and she thinks he’s gay. But also she ran off with his own brother…… Well it took 20 years but its still sweet to hear your toothless mate wetting himself laughing when you tell him..
So Jeremy May, you have a tiny tool, your ex wife ran off with your brother and thinks you are gay..It could only get better if you kill yourself you SAD WANKER!!


Who cares about the length, its still bigger than Jeremy’s
(Wed 7th Jun 2006, 13:18, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Have a lovely breakfast on me lads!!
This has not happened yet (obviously as I am still alive, Fudge Nuggets) When I pop my clogs I have arranged with my wife (who is as funny as fluck, and as evil as I am!) assisted by my good fried who is a butcher, to have either my body (if he keeps his nerve) or if not, then my low calorie dust turned into fine porky sausages! Good idea you say, waist not want not and tree hugging recycling hippies rule etc… Alas no, that’s not the reason at all….
I worked for five years in Sunny (bloody gloomy and wet) Dublin, The chaps I worked with were excellent fellows who pride themselves on their sense of humor (as long as its at an Englishman’s expense)….
So the plan is to make me into lovely plump sausages and have them ceremoniously delivered to my good friends as my last wish that they try so good old English bangers as theirs are rubbish grey tubes of ears, noses, plop, sawdust etc.
After they have tucked in they will be informed by me via a pre recorded video of what they have just eaten, Also that they are now bloody English as well as cannibals… Laugh that one off bog hoppers!!!!

I would apologize for the length but I’m unsure myself as my ruler has not got millimeters on it….
(Fri 12th May 2006, 10:41, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

Not at all P.C. but…..............
A friends dad used to be in the merchant navy and spent a lot of time backwards and for wards to Africa in the 50’s. He told me the following story.
I those days you had to have a letter of reference to work on the docks. Also a European name would aid in getting a job. So our poor African friends would ask nice European sailors to write them references and give them English names. The following stuck in my memory but you can imagine their were many more. Also pity anyone asking a German crew for the same as they were far less P.C….

Names
Birds custard
Ajax Vim
Sunlight Soap
Etc.

References:
Lazy unreliable bastard, steals anything he can.

Don't give him a job as he stinks of piss and is work-shy.

Filthy stealing git, also lazy and illiterate.

Funnily enough these names used to get more work, as the ships crew thought it was hilarious to have someone caller Birds Custard or the like, running around on board…

Length, you don't want it to long when doing it Greek style to loverly flossy...
(Tue 23rd May 2006, 11:34, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

Now thats telling her!!
Had a mate who had a strange brother. We used to call him Aids....

The reason was as follows.

One day back in the 80's we were helping him copy porn movies from video to video as he could not work out how to do this. When in comes his mum and catches him with Peter North on screen routing some lady Greek style.. His Mum goes nuts and he justifies his potential wank fest by shouting the following immortal line at her.

"Well its better than catching AIDS!!"

He has been known as AIDS behind his back ever since...

Size? Oh what a big one you have Mr Airbus...
(Tue 23rd May 2006, 15:11, More)