» Winning

What a lovely lamp!
In my first year as a teacher I begrudgingly went in to school on a Saturday to participate in the school fete. Poverty-stricken as I was, I was made to feel obliged to join in by purchasing a fistful of raffle tickets. Inevitably I won a prize. It was a mind-numbingly hideous table lamp, obviously hand made by a tasteless moron who had simply pushed a few plastic flowers into an empty wine bottle and stuck a light fitting and grotesque plastic lampshade on the top.

I turned to one of the oldest teachers, Mr Kramer, and said "Trust me to win the ugliest and most useless prize of the lot!"

"Mmm" he said, "My wife made it shortly before she died of cancer."
(Mon 2nd May 2011, 19:17, More)

» Famous people I hate

Jeremy Fucking Clarkson
Why doesn't that horse-faced horse's-arse Jeremy Clarkson climb into a Ferrari Cunnilingus and drive at 200mph into a brick fucking wall. Or he could abandon those jeans and put on the nazi uniform so well-suited to his 'weltanschauung,' dowse himself in his beloved petrol and set fire to himself in protest at people who believe in global warming. Or he could strap himself into a Lamborghini Micropenis and drive at top speed with a blindfold on instead of strapping the children of non-tories to the bull-bars of his LandRover Chavcrusher SXi and playing dodgems with Northern oiks. Or, he could just SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
(I really don't like him.)
(Sat 6th Feb 2010, 18:16, More)

» I witnessed a crime

The polite mugger
I went to London to gawp at the big city and was excitedly standing on an underground platform waiting for the tube. In front of me was a small crowd of people including a girl at the front with a shoulder bag and, I noticed, a young black guy who appeared very nervy. He was twitching shiftily and my Guardian-reader head said 'Maybe he's on his way to take an exam,' but my Daily Mail head said 'well why is he sweating and looking shiftily at that girl's bag then?' My two minds conferred and came to the right-wing conclusion that he was about to commit a financially motivated malfeasance.

So, do I call the girl over on some pretext and defuse the situation or do I shout 'Look out love, there's a mugger behind you?'

Or, soft cunt, do I stand there like a lemon hoping everything will be OK?

Guess.

Anyway, tube train pulls up, girl steps toward doors, mugger grabs bag, turns and rapidly pushes his way back through the throng, almost pushing people over and suddenly he is face to face with yours truly.

It seems like a slow-motion moment and as we eyeball each other he actually says 'Excuse me!!!'

Well, being British, I stand aside and let him through as girl without handbag legs it after him! (At least I avoided the temptation to respond 'Certainly, young man' as I stepped aside.)

Oh, the shame.
Oh the horror, the horror...
(Mon 18th Feb 2008, 9:48, More)

» Cringe!

Cringe!
I used to work in a special ed school and went on a one-day conference on reducing truancy or something equally worthy. After a series of not very interesting speeches we were split into the inevitable workgroups - one large group for each geographical area of the city. Because these were inner-city comprehensives the groups were averaging 20 to 30 teachers each.

I was directed to the table for special needs staff next to which was standing one solitary teacher who happened to be a dwarf, standing a good 3'10" tall. "Well," I said in my best friendly voice, " What a tiny little group this is! I mean, small, you know, not very big. Minute really."

The silence was long and deafening.
(Mon 1st Dec 2008, 11:10, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

they think I'm a tranny!
Late one Sunday night I had a bath and just wanted to watch TV for half an hour before hitting the hay. In those days I didn't wear pyjamas but I needed something to stop myself feeling the cold. The only thing to hand was my wife's dressing gown which was bright pink and covered in flowery patterns, but what the hell.
Anyway I'm sitting in front of the TV and the doorbell goes. Wifey answers it and it's the guy next door wanting to borrow my electric drill. He looks at me, doesn't say much but a faint smile flickers across his face. He gets the drill and goes.
Years later his wife (after they have split up) tells me that on that night he came back with the drill and said to her "I don't know what kind of pervy scene I just walked in on at Ferg's house but he's sitting there in a full woman's evening dress!"
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 22:34, More)