» Puns

Honda
A fella goes to his doctor and says "it's really embarassing doctor but whenever i fart the noise that comes out is 'honda'".

doc consults some books and says "ah, you don't need me, you need to see your dentist"

odd, thinks the fella but off he trots to his nhs dentist - which as we know in 21st century england is a doddle (oof, cutting edge satire, i'm even wearing a sparkly suit and red twat owl glasses)

dentist takes one look inside his gob and pronounces "ah, i can see your problem - you have an abscess"

fella is perplexed "an absecess?? but it's my farts that are the problem"

dentist takes out his spang hammer "yes, didn't you know an abscess makes your fart go honda?"

i thank you!

*exits left*
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 15:25, More)

» Will you go out with me?

A meat market club in watford circa 1991
It was the night before my 21st and my mate who i worked with had started early doors, by the time we got in the club at about 9.30pm he was already slurring, swaying and intermittently spoiling for a fight or trying to pull. He approached a pair of strumpets, one as drunken and shambling as himself and announced "Here, my mate's 21 tomorrow and he's sat all on his own - come and give him a kiss". The sober one, wanting to get her friend somewhere to sit came over and we got chatting. We spent the whole night chatting, with some snogging.

My friend sat with us at one point and fell off his chair, kicking a table and lamp over. Her friend passed out, and it was only when we noticed a rare smell that we spotted she was sleeping in a blanket of her own vomit. That was over 17 years ago, we've been married for over 15. We had a rough time and nearly split up in the summer of 2000, I'd changed jobs and lost contact with my friend. I found out through another friend the following year he'd killed himself that summer.

Gawd bless yer richard, you were a terrible drunk, a good friend, and most importantly, you found me my soul-mate.

RIP Richard Hughes
(Fri 29th Aug 2008, 8:55, More)

» Missing body parts

one armed man...
i was at college many years ago - it was during my chemical experimental, ravy davy gravy days so a lot of stuff from that time is a bit vague. if there are any gaps in the story that's why.... anyhoo, i started a building course at college in the september - there were some new bods from the previous year and one of them was a top bloke called tony. tony had a tattoo of bertie bassett on his arse (as shown in middle of college canteen) and also had an arm missing from the shoulder. the word was that he'd been in a scooter crash on hols which resulted in the arm going - i never asked him outright, it's a difficult subject to bring up innit? so a week or so in to the term and mid-class tony slams face first into his desk in what appeared to be a fairly frenzied head-butt - cue shock, awe and mild amusement all around, it turns out tony had decided to rest his chin on his missing arm and forgotten it was no longer there... you know, this story was better to experience - it's only i see it now that it looks a bit, well rubbish... sorry tony, you deserved better!
(Tue 6th Jun 2006, 18:53, More)

» Pet Stories

gerbil self-eatiness
my mate's gerbil would eat anything - i mean anything! whatever was left within reach would be torn to pieces in a frenzy. to prove this an experiment was undertaken... said gerbil was gently held and handed it's own tail, holding the tail between both gerbilly paws like a big mac it opened it's jaws and chomped down. it managed to squeak with pain/surprise and bite at the same time, which i was impressed with - gerbil ran off and had learnt a valuable lesson - beware the hand of man!!!!!! animal cruelty?? meh...
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 13:02, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

cocking hell!
erm.... two stories - neither of which are particularly unique or interesting, but hey that's what b3ta postings are all about innit??? i once got kicked in the cock whan about 11, ran off crying (understandably) and thought no more til it was time to get changed for gym... then i spotted the blood on my mustard-yellow y-fronts (how sexy??) and my poor dinkle was weeping blood tears from it's foreskin - i still have the scar and will send a pic if you vote for this story!

2nd tale is footie related and again kind of dull unless you were there..... playing in goal, striker breaks through and blasts ball goal-bound - i heroically (and accidentally) save the ball with my bags of steel, i clutch the bags and spin around as the ball rebounds to the striker, he blasts the ball right at my arse and it flies clear... double damage but no goal and no lasting damage to buttocks or ball-bags! yay.... apologies for length - the tale, not the scar
(Thu 20th Jul 2006, 15:13, More)