cheaper than hair spray but unfortunately not as long lasting

(Wed 2nd Feb 2011, 14:52, More)

hmmm. have a thing. *dons spang guard*

(Sun 1st Aug 2010, 14:57, More)

black and white due to penury.

(Fri 20th Nov 2009, 23:04, More)

» Siblings

once upon a time..
I have a sister 6 years my elder. As of now we get on rather wonderfully but back in the bleak past it wasn't such a wonderful time.

My sisters always proclaims I had a massive bar of chocolate and being the young spoilt little shit rag that I was (am) and despite the fact she always shared stuff with me.. I was refusing to give her any of the chocolate. My mother at this point called me inside from the garden and off I trotted leaving my chocolate outside. Hannah, my sister, took this opportunity to scoff the lot of it. Now at this time Copper, our dog, had a stomach virus. A virus that made his anus release brown liquids rather than solids. Hannah scraped up his liquidy shit on to the wrapper and placed it back where I had left it. Happy go lucky 4 year old me comes trotting back out into the garden to discover a brown puddle where his chocolate once was.
Dearest Hannah explains to me that my chocolate has melted in the sun and I believe her. I proceed to eat it. All of it. The bit my sister tells with relish is that once I'd finished it I came over to her and said,

"Hannah, melted chocolate doesn't taste as nice does it."

Fortunately the only thing I really remember about this incident was the aftermath. My faeces afterwards.. I produced a white and an orange shit. they're the sorts of memories you can cherish for ever.
(Fri 26th Dec 2008, 23:48, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

being born in the mid 80's
when i was a child the hero turtles were my all.
I got some toys for christmas. On the packaging it mentioned their indestructability. That night the turtles met their newest nemesis, Mr. Brick. Along with the plastic all my childhood illusions were shattered.
(Mon 30th Jun 2008, 14:43, More)

» Rubbish Towns

I'm from newark
Since being one of the last royalist's strongholds during the English Civil War it's not had much going for it: Other than in the 70's Jasper Carrot pointing out it the only place in Britain that's an anagram of wanker.

Since then it raised Fred Barras and Brendon Fearon who went on to get shot at (and in the former case killed by) Tony Martin.

Go team infamy.
(Thu 29th Oct 2009, 22:59, More)

» Vomit Pt2

appologies: words.
Being one of these perpetual student types; I am not unfamiliar with vomit. We have more or less become brethren. I once heard tale of a pissed friend who woke up, at the height of bed spins, to the sound of his own vomit. He looked up as he saw it rising out of his mouth picot in the air and come splashing down on his face. My self…? I’m generally and efficient drunk who can generally get him self to the toilet when necessary. Not this particular time though.

I was shit faced going through a period of regularly blacking out as far as my memory was concerned while my body continued to interact with the living world… at one point I helped walk a pissed friend home and looked after her quite well to all accounts. Other times my consciousness as kicked back in as I walked in to a garage door (later to be herded out of the this orangely lit warehouse type thing by men in reflective jackets as I tried to assure them this was on my route home, that night I got steered back telephonically by my housemate who looked up the road name on google earth) or mid sentence while ordering some camel cigarettes. This time, however, when my brain decided to start monitoring my progress; I was in bed.

I say in bed… I was lying at a 90^o angle to the common nocturnal supine position. I had managed to flollop down in an approximation of the recovery position: the majority of my legs dangling off the bed; my arm under my left turned head. My eyes initially focused on my exposed left arm. A shining snail trail of purple mucus and matter greeted my waking vision. The focus slowly changed from short to long. That’s when I saw it. Sat right in front of me was a near spherical ball of matter. No fluid to speak of just a mostly purple ball (I had been making my self dearer friends with the snakebite that night) suffused with all manner of kebab and what ever I had drunkenly stuffed into my gaping maw that eve. It looked at me square in the eyes and mocked my understanding of science. It was a lot bigger than my mouth and was one solid piece.

I dragged my self out of bed stripped the cover off my duvet making sure to carefully wrap this gastronomic oddity inside of the now heavily soiled sheet. I shuffled blearily off to the bath room to make an attempt at cleaning up my slime covered arm and my no doubt disgrace of a face.

I got to the bath room and started to clean the shimmering grime off my arm when I made the foolish error of looking up into the mirror. What greeted me, along with the sight of my vomit stained lips and clogged up beard, was a massive swelling above my right eye. At the apex of which was one of the nastiest little cuts I have seen so far in all my days. I washed up and went to bed resigned to sort anything else out in the morning.

The morning came and so did the hangover. Sweet Jesus did it come. A piecemeal investigation between my housemate and I concluded that I must of collapsed, face first, into a radiator at some point in the night; as he heard a massive thud coming from upstairs in the wee small hours. I most probably should of gone to a hospital, but being the man I am I left it. A few days later blood began seeping under my cornea: Eventually turning half the white part red. I displayed my war wound proudly referring to it as my darth maul eye.

Still... I have absolutely no idea how that vomit-orb fitted out my mouth. This still worries me much.
(Mon 11th Jan 2010, 12:19, More)

» Old stuff I still know

I still could put on a condom
...
(Tue 5th Jul 2011, 15:13, More)