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I'm a university student (computer science) at Bristol.

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» Personal Hygiene

The saga of semenfungi
In an IRC channel I used to hang out in was a guy who we will call Josh, for that was his nick. This is his story, in his own words (minus spelling mistakes). Apologies in advance for length / girth / disgustingness.

About a year or so ago, being the lazy fuck I am, would do my business (that means jacking off, people) on this chair, and my seed would land on this loney stretch of carpet at the corner of the room, far enough out of the way that I didn't have to worry about cleaning

Disgusting, yes.

This goes on for a few months, with me paying little attention to the condition of my carpeting. Then I start noticing that whenever I enter said room, something sets off my sensitive allergies and sends me into a pleasant sneezing/coughing fit. I search the room as best I can for the source, but to no avail. Anywho, few more weeks pass as I learn to live with it, usually by scarfing numerous antihistamines whenever I go in.

Then one day I notice it.

There's shit GROWING on that lone, semen-stained stretch of carpet.

Initially this is subject to my amusement. I watch it for a few days, and hey, more and more fungi begin sprouting at an alarming rate. This is when I inform [IRC channel] of the strange mushroom-like fungus propagating on my carpet, and its milky origins.

Many laughs are had, and a few loud vomits.

The matter passes, and shortly after when I go to move out, we notice something. And by 'we', I mean the landlord's guys. They discover that there is a horrendous case of mutant mildew (or so it was assumed) in the room. This was no news to me, and I explain it had been there for a while, but am mum about its origins (later I tell them it was spilt milk).

The carpet in this area is completely destroyed by fungus. So, the head super decides in his infinite wisdow to pull up the carpet, kill the fungus, then replace the damaged spot
So they pull up ALL the carpet in the room, only to discover..

IT IS EVERYWHERE

Yes, my friends, this mutant semen fungi had not only consumed its allotted square, but then it had gone and SPREAD UNDER THE CARPET! So strong was its roots, that it was learned that it had dug into the concrete - I repeat: the fungus had dug into the concrete!

I later learned that that room had required signifigant renovation and fumigation. But, fuck, I didn't care, I had already moved. So, to sum up: My semen caused what may have added up to thousands of dollars of damage to a room. And I am also responsible for creating the most disgusting form of fungi ever.

In short: Clean up after yourselves, you lazy bitches.

Oh, and I didn't pay a cent towards the damages.
(Fri 23rd Mar 2007, 17:57, More)

» Personal Hygiene

A top tip
Even though my sense of smell is not great, and my ability to put up with bad smells is (years of boarding schools etc), even I need special measures sometimes, in this case to deal with my brother...

16 years old, likes to wear black, leather, metaller stuff with spikes on etc. Sleeps in the same clothes he wears in the day, never showers. I have to share a room with him at my dads and it's fucking vile.

Anyway, know those Vicks inhalers? Snort from them enough and you'll temporarily nuke your sense of smell, great stuff!

(Yes, I packed a top tip into the story about my brother in an effort to get this to the top, as he reads b3ta...)
(Fri 23rd Mar 2007, 20:17, More)

» Barred

One of my mates...
is banned from Russia. Yes, the country. Quite braggable really.
(Tue 5th Sep 2006, 20:20, More)

» Work Experience

A top tip
Because my work experience was awesome and that's just too rare...

Based on you guys and my many siblings, "work experience" these days basically consists of your school forcing you to do, unpaid, the kind of work you're going to school to avoid. My brother stacked shelves!

Firstly, work experience is supposed to be actually useful, I spent a few days at a multi-million pound printing company seeing how they do things and it was really interesting, and looks good on my CV, so if your school tries to force you to work at Asda, tell them to fuck off.

Secondly, and here's the really important bit: if they're not paying you, they can't make you do anything. And there are limits on how long they can ask you to come in for. I trust this knowledge will be used exactly how it should by you guys :D (and hopefully the next time we have this QOTW it'll be much more interesting :P)

Edit: I've emailed the lecturer who told us this asking for more info, I'll keep you posted :)
(Thu 10th May 2007, 22:26, More)

» School Trips

Paris is quite an education for a 9 year old
Our school trip there switfly turned into a shambles for the usual reasons (pornography, booze in a vending machine in the hotel :D) but it's for the classic reason of girls that it left an impact on my life...

My mate Matt was cool. Very cool. And hot, as much as 9-year-olds can be. Naturally he was the object of affection for any girls our age we encountered, most importantly those sharing our hotel, but never more so when he was wearing the t-shirt.

Now when your 9 it seems logical that it was the t-shirt that was the sole source of his success and not his hair, smile, or the fact he could talk to girls without staring at his shoes, so for many years afterwards I would often be seen attempting to chat up girls whilst wearing a LIME GREEN t-shirt with the Umbro symbol emblazoned across it in ORANGE.

Length / girth didn't matter, they wanted none of it.
(Sun 10th Dec 2006, 3:26, More)
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