Bulldog Ugly

» Accidental animal cruelty

My Cat...
...first off, I love my cat. Although what I did to him was kind of harsh, and to this day, he has trust issues where i am concerned, the fat ginger bundle of matted fur has being a loyal companion for about 10 years now.

...anyway. My cat has always been the "eyes bigger than his belly" type, sniffing at or helping himself to anything that is on offer or just left un-attended for too long.

One day I had purchased some of those breath strips that looks like small sheets of plastic and dissolved on your tounge... his crying at me and sniffing of the box made me decide to call his bluff (all his fault y'see).

I broke a small peice of a strip of and placed it on his tounge..... for about 15 minutes he jumped around our back garden foaming at the mouth and sneezing....

His breath smelt lovely though
(Wed 12th Dec 2007, 13:15, More)

» Work Experience

Late entry....
Showed my old man this site last night, and after laughing his way through some of the stories, he asked me to add one of his own.

My old man used to work away as a contractor on sites across the country, primarily building large supermarkets. As has already been covered in these pages, building sites can be rough on the new guy.

A tale that stood out was of a new labourer, who for some reason, decided to continually annoy the concrete layers....

To the point, that one day, as he did his usual, the concrete layers grabbed him, and threaded a length of scaffold through the arms of his overalls... then attached him to a length of cable and signalled tyheir mate... who was a crane driver, who hoisted the lad 200ft in the air.

And there he stayed, high above newcastle, while the rest of the lads, went for lunch.
(Wed 16th May 2007, 9:03, More)

» Pet Stories

S'tan
...we had two cats, they were brothers and although would fight quite nastily with each other, they would soon close ranks on anything else that tried to involve itself. Spyke, the fat ginger sex addict, is unfortunately none too sharp mentally, being the a typical house cat and more of a lover than a fighter (though he did rape a squirrel last week... it was disturbing). His brother, S'tan, was the type of cat everyone dreams of having, jet black, friendly and harbouring a seething hatred of all rodents and birds making for some creative executons (he drowned one in his water bowl... and chewed the wings off one of the neighbours pigeons....evil bastard that he was).

So one day, Spyke was caught unaware and attacked quite vicously by the magpies that nest at the bottom of our garden, with no S'tan there to protect him, Spyke took one hell of a paggering and ended up being taken to vets.... for those who have never seen magpies attack a cat... they are calculating evil buggers, and deserved all that followed...

S'tan declared war... and for a cat who made a habit of butchering any wildlife in our garden... he meant business. He ran up the tree and sat in one of their nests, flicking the chicks out and seemingly relishing in the sight of them bouncing their way down the tree... when barren he would move onto the next nest. Eventually, one of the magpies swooped down in protest.... S'tan jumped up... stuck his rather sizeable claws into the birds face and rode it to the floor below..... removed it's throat... and then ran back up the tree to continue his new fun game.

....Sadly, S'tan is no longer with us, hit by a car a few month back, the only time i ever saw him attack a human was when the vet shoved a themometer up his bum.... even wounded the bugger could shred flesh with ease....

apologies for length.....
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 13:07, More)

» We have to talk

Only happened once.
Little bit of insight into why I'm such a prick this one.

T'was the week before Valentines, and my first proper gf (and not just drunken fumble), uttered these immortal and ominous words.

Now this lass had already cheated on me twice, once with a supposed best mate (a story for another time) and due to a low self esteem at the time, I took the lying slag back.

Over the course of our relationship, I had an epihany of sorts, realising that although I am never going to win a beauty contest or be a millionare, I'm fun to be around due to my complete lack of shame and smart mouth, and thus realised that although I did love the girl, I could do better.

She phoned me first and had a preperation argument, then she came over to visit, and she began listing my faults...

I cut her off and asked how her new fella was...

I explained that she had being seen with a blonde stick thin wanky student type by some of my mates, and that I'd being shagging a lass from the typing pool at work for 2 months and didn't really give two squirts of piss about her latest rhetoric or batch of excuses, and nor would I accept that I was in any way at fault for her desire to fill her cavernous chuff with any cock she was able to find available and willing.

She screamed and threw shit at me, I laughed and pointed out that Karma's a bitch... somehow I ended up giving her a break-up rutting, and I aint seen her since.

Result.
(Fri 20th Apr 2007, 11:37, More)

» Cross Dressing

*shrug*
A female friend once accounced "You aint lived till you've been out on the lash in a leather mini skirt wi' nowt underneath"....

Ladies, Gents, Fellow B3tans.... following one of my locals accouncing a 'ladies night' involving cheap beer, I can tell you, I've lived!

(am a 6' 14stone bloke for those who managed to avoid the possibly horrific imagery)

Other BDU-flavour examples of my total lack of shame include:

Attending a gay club with some of my 'that way' mates in same leather mini skirt (which yes, i bought especially) and dubbing myself "Mr Money Shot" for the night.

Trying on a leapord print Thong in Tesco and chasing Mrs BDU round the clothing section in it.

and...

Deciding I would pad a bra for the night and wear it in an effort to get served quicker (worked a treat).

I have no shame.
(Thu 15th Mar 2007, 15:55, More)