» Out of my depth

Gods Teeth!
I've never told anyone this and thinking of it now still makes me cringe.

I was an Alter boy (no i never got fondled!) at my local parish church till I was about 7. I had no interest in it I just seemed to get roped into it.
Anyway I'd been doing this for about a year and I had to be the worst alter boy ever, I had no clue what I was meant to be doing I just copied everyone else.
This one day the organist chap who runs the altar boys services comes to me and asks me to do a special mid week service, "okay why not" says I.
I get dropped off on the day by my parents at which point I realise I'm the only one there.. as in the only alter boy.
All of a sudden I have no one to copy off.. Fear grips me! I don't know what the shit to do.
So I follow the priest out and sort of kneel.. I seemed to remember I was meant to do this..
What followed was a shambles of me droppping things and falling over.
There was also one point where I leaned over to the priest and explained "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!"
Sadly the father was microphoned and it was broadcast throughout the church.

I quit that very same day..
I still shudder on the very rare occasions that I enter a church.
(Fri 15th Oct 2004, 12:20, More)

» Crappy Prizes

Spelling competition at school
Let me regress you,
I'm 14 years old going to my nice Secondary school in Wigan.
There is a spelling competition in my english class, now I'm a good speller so I give it a crack. First prize was any vhs video of your choice (this was the days before DVD).
I did well in the competition but came a cropper in the 4th round.
The girl who won it was ecstatic as the head of English came to ask what video she would like.
She said "Grease". Fair choice I spose.
Two days later the head of English comes into our class to award her prize.
She hands over a blank video and tells her Grease is on tv this week so she'll be able to tape it on this and gives her a one pound coin as a bonus!

Wank. Glad I didn't win.
(Fri 5th Aug 2005, 10:01, More)

» Shame

At the Zoo
Ok so I'm at this zoo up north in the lake district, having a lovely day with my girlfriend.
As the afternoon wears on we wander down to the penguin enclosure.
Walking down the long wide path I see a group of 16-28(ish) year olds all acting the fools and walking funny.
I turned to my girlfriend and said quite loudly "Oh no! Who let the retards in!"...

As a few turned round I realised they were in fact actual retards...

Oh the shame.
(Mon 28th Nov 2005, 13:57, More)

» Jobsworths

Being ID'd
I'm currently 27, this happened when I was 24..
Now I did look a about 20 at the time but that still no excuse for this.

And I swear its completely true!

I'm in Sainsburys with my then girlfriend, she's doing some shopping for her mum.
We get to the cheese counter and they have a little booth with samples of cheese! (I'm notorious for just going to the supermarket for the free samples).
I spot a lovely stilton with Apricots mmmmmm, so I ask for a sample..
"Are you 16?"
"Pardon?"
"Are you 16 love? we only give samples to under 16's if they are with there parents."
"But, I'm 24."
"Do you have any ID?"
"FOR CHEESE?!"

Not a word of a lie..
(Thu 19th May 2005, 13:11, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Damnit so many stories.
I once Passed out in the shower during a marathon tug.
Woke up ten minutes later having pulled down the shower curtain. I swear it must have been like the scene in psycho.. but with White blood.
(Thu 3rd Jun 2004, 20:35, More)