» Secret Santa

True Story - Despite what people think.
I started working in an office 3 years ago in November to make ends meet while i was in between jobs.

I hit the place at a good time. They just needed extra staff incase they had a sudden spurt of sales come through (what never happend) and it was time to announce the secret santa people. Being a small office (14 people and 1 manager) it didnt take me long to know people. Especially the little minx who was on the computer oposite mine. Mary.

The draw had taken place. I had managed to pick the office comedian Clive. HE was easy to buy for. Just got him a whoopie cushion and a book of stupid jokes. But also in the few days leading upto christmas i noticed that Mary kept looking at me. At first i thought it was a crush, then i thought i had summat stuck on me. But i didnt let it get to me. We wasnt alowed to give out the presents on the last day of work. It was seen as 'counter-productive' what is crap as we didnt have anything to do. So i sent Clive his present in the post, and hoped to get mine in the same manner. But in a way i didnt.

Couple of days before christmas, i recived mine. It was a cheque-book sex thingy where it says 'this cheque is for 1 blow job' that sort of thing. But the weird thing is that they all had 'NA' writtern across them and marked out. Apart from one. 'This cheque is for 1 night of passion'. Signed at the bottom 'From Mary'

I was a little intrigued. So i gave her a call on her mobile to see whats up. She said she liked teasing me, that was her Secret Santa gift. THe she asked me round because she didnt fancy going out that night and she was lonley. Great, i thought we could have a little food, some wine and watch a movie. So i grabbed us an Indian (takeaway not a person) and went over to her place. She opend the door. Then my mouth hit the floor.

She was wearing the most reveling underware i have seen. No bathrobe or anything. She grabbed me and gave me the most prick teasing kiss ive ever had. We put the Indian on the side and we took our fun upstairs. No words were spoken untill we had reached our first climax. Mary had said she found me atractive in a sort of 'young guy' (i was late teens, she was mid 20s) way and wanted to expierence that sort of thing. She showed me what she got from the Secret Santa. It was from Clive (funny little 3 way thing!) and it was and inflatable peins waht vibrated. It was 3 foot long, so it couldnt be used.

We then took ourselves down to eat the meal. IT was weird because i have barely spoke to the woman before, and there i am, in my boxers, she is in the revealing underware. We just made general nicities, then we moved into teh front room to watch a movie. About half way through (Sleepless in Seattle) we both again got a bit frisky. You can imagine the rest! We done it once more that night, then once before i left in the mornings.





We started back at the office. Clive was setting off his whoopie cushion and telling everyone the BAD jokes what was in his book. Every time i looked at Mary, she looked away. At lunch i went to find her to see what was up. She told me it was a mistake and that it wont happen again, and it would be best if i tried not to speak to her. Fair enough i thought, im out on feb 1st so it doesnt bother me too much.

Heres the climax (pardon the pun). I had an email pop up from her the day i left. She thanked me for making one of her fantasys come true. Then it went on to say that she was married. Her husband was away for business and wanted me to come over and live out her fantasy. Then it wnet into great detail about for the past 5 years shes wanted to seduce a young man, and the previous people who was in my position were either fat science geeks, lads who are pretty and love them selves or just plain virgins who cant read the signs.




Names have been changed. This is a true story, i still have the email now. On an old hotmail acount ofcourse! If you click 'I Like This', i will let you know how to work in that office next christmas!
(Fri 15th Dec 2006, 16:58, More)

» Guilty Secrets

Well, someones gotta say it.......
Well, im gunna let my guilty secret out, something ive thought about reading though here.


Legless posts the most shit ever!


How the hell could anyone acutally belive that twat? He seems to have a story for EVERY occasion. Gets more unbelivable the more stories i read.

Everyone click 'I like this' if you feel the same way
(Sat 1st Sep 2007, 14:46, More)

» My Greatest Regrets

Scottish Girl
It was the summer of, err, cant remember now! We were staying on a camping site near to RAF Fairford for the Air Tattoo. We went both days and had much fun. But the real fun was at the club/pub. Full of teenage horemones and egarness! I got talking to a scottish girl called 'Kerry' (that isnt here name, i dont want to put her real name up! haha!!). She was from a little village just outside Inverness. Over that weekend we had so much fun. We went for walks around the lakes, biking together, dancing and we also went on a trip to the romantic town of Swindon together. We had a really good connection, better then any connection ive had in my home town. He shared our first kiss together on our last night together and had the soppy goodbyes. Excahnged fone numbers, adress and promised we would see each other. Blah Blah Blah

Anywhoo, fast forward to about 3 years ago. True to our words, we visited each other as much as we could. Both having just left school spent all the money we had visiting each other. But there was a change this time. She wanted me to move in with her. She had allready ok'd it with her old man and had her spare room made up ready for me (not for long, id would be in her room like a shot!). After our weekend at hers it would be time for me to go home. I get back, sit in my room and pack my things. I had almost everything i wanted packed then it hit me. Is this what i wanted? I took a few days off work that week weighing up the pros and cons of moving. Looked and emaild about jobs in Inverness and that to keep me going. I was in 2 minds.

Then i made the decision. After weighing up moving to a strange town with not mates to be with the girl i love, i worship and loves and worships me back. I said No. Loads of tears from both ends, i thought the step was too big to handle, i had a life, a (new) carear and mates and memories of My Fair Town (not Derby btw). We kinda drifted apart after that and stopped all contact about 2 weeks after that. That was until about 4 months ago when i heard 'Kerrys' name mentioned in my friends girls magazine. She is a clothes model now for a glossy mag. She looked more georgeous then i remember. She still had her cheeky smile and everything.


To this day, NOT moving up to Inverness was the most regretable thing ive EVER done. The city i live in now is full of illegals, next to no job opitunitys, cows who are only after my money and No Kerry. I do miss her though I got back into contact with her when i saw the pics. She is now engaged to a big time twat/banker in London and says she still misses me. She said seeing me would be like cheating on her bloke. Fucksocks.





P.S, If any of you girls out there seem to only pick up the weirdos or the insane. Message me! Im not Weird or Insane! haha!

*pop* goes my cherry

And im sorry for the girth, not for length. Inverness is a LONG way away
(Mon 9th Oct 2006, 15:09, More)

» Pathological Liars

Ive told and been told
Why are some people so guilable? Here are some ive told which have been belived 100%!

1. I had bird flu. Symptoms was clucking and growing feathers. Told that to my little brothers girlfirend. Silly cow!

2. Got a whole office of people to belive that i was from Iceland - by talking in a faux hurdy gurdy accent. That was a temp job for 1 week in an office.

3. I constantly tell people i am a fireman to gauge their reaction. Most people belive it, but alot dont! I work for Bose as a assistant store manager now.

4. On several job aplications i lied about my driving lisence. They said it was vital for the job, despite me working there 8 months and never having to drive!

5. The best/worst for me. Things wasnt going to well with my now ex. I met a lovley girl in town, told her i was single and we got on reallly well. Racked with guilt, i told her 2 days later i have a girlfriend. I was expecting a slapping, or atleast a total verbal. But she supported me and helped me break up with my ex. Best. Thing. Ever.



Lies i have been told. Hmm

1. kid at school whos parents won the lottery jackpot about 6-7 times and acumulated over £50m from it. Same kid who wore the same socks 2 weeks on the trot and work army surplus clothes all the time.

2. 'it wont hurt' as i got smacked in the face by a cricket ball after a teacher convinced me that they feel hard, but are soft. Cunt!

3. This is the best one. I ment a local lad in the snooker hall. He clamied to be a sponsord pro player (right down to the shit they were and 'sponsor' badges. He looked the part and played well. But the thing is he never seemed to beat me. I am a good player, but im not that good. A bit further into our friendship he revealed that he beat Steve Davis in a world champ qualifier event but was forced out because Steve said he would quit if he wasnt aloud in. I smellt shit from there on. Some of the storys about sub 5 minuet 147s, winning tournaments left handed, how sponsors are paying ihim £500k a year. All this coming from someone who couldnt even beat me! So i tagged along to his next event. A small open in Owestry. He went out in the first round. I was speaking to a few players and he said he is a total prat. Billy bull shit, shit at snooker and life in general. Sponsors? No! He pays it himself from his job seekers, and teh 'sponsor patches' are fictional companys or copied from the pros. When questiond he told me to keep it quiet as they are all jealous. He dont play in our club no more
(Fri 30th Nov 2007, 9:14, More)

» Guilty Secrets

Looks like i touched a nerve!
I aint gunna apologize for having an opinion on someone.

1. Notice how i havent said his storys arent funny. They are. Even though i can gauntee 99% of them are fabricated.

2. I dont despise him. I jsut feel that the people who take his word as gospel should be rounded up and be made to listern to every song S club 7 ever made. on repeat. for 100 years.

3. A couple of messages said im 'narrow minded'. Im sorry for having a differing opinoin to you! Wait, lets all jump on the band wagon! Woo!



He is a thinking mans Apeloverage, less contriversal.
(Wed 5th Sep 2007, 13:35, More)