» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Hunt the tommy...
This was the name of the game that we used to play during pub crawls. A gang of at least 20 of us aged anywhere upto early 20's depending on experience would usually play this nasty to brighten up the more quieter pubs along the route. The rules were simple and often expanded on as the weeks unfolded. Initially someone would have a dump in the pub toilets, deliberately missing the bowl. After announcing "tommies on" the challenge was then to drink-up and get out of the place before the alarm was raised. As the weeks went by the stakes got higher, seasoned pro's would actually shit into their bog-roll covered hands to enable the most bizzarre locations for the said turd to be deposited. A points system then evolved for the most outrageous appearances. Often we'd resort to the hide'n'seek version if the layer had taken the trouble to hide the log, a true case of sniffing out the prize. Common practice was the top of the cystern, the pool table pocket, behind the odd curtain, the end of the bar even! The more memorable was one left in a half drunk pint glass of bitter and the creme de la creme being an actual drop kick that splattered the optics behind a crowded bar. The most destructive was laid at a private party. A guy actually took the trouble to dismatle a bathroom light fitting and leave his freshest offering enclosed inside the light/heater and re-affix. Weeks after the party, the poor girls parents had the entire back garden dug-up by the water company, looking for the "blockage!" Can you imagine their reaction on the discovery of the real problem? That one still brings a chuckle when recollected, nearly 20years ago now! He-he!! Nice one Bob...
(Fri 28th Mar 2008, 16:51, More)

» Debt pron

YOU GREEDY THICK BASTARDS...
When will people realise that the whole point of the credit industry, is to lend money to those that cannot affort to repay. Thus increasing their debt and the profitability of the credit company. Yes it's cynical, but the most basic of capitalist principles by far. Nobody is forced to sign on the dotted line, it is just pure impatient greed. Some try to justify their predicament by claiming that debts are part and parcel of normal modern life, they are the deluded fools. Anything and everything is affordable with credit, especially to those who believe materialistic posessions will fulfil their sad existance. The reality is that borrowing finance is no different to gambling, the result will always be the same. On balance the future outcome favours the bookmaker in exactly the same way the financial institution. There is no shortage of punters trying to recover their losses, at bigger stakes as the downward spiral takes a grip. Go on, treat yourself to a consolidated loan, you know it makes sense?
(Sat 25th Nov 2006, 10:52, More)

» Family codes and rituals

My lords, ladies & gentlemen...
I eventually convinced my young sons to proclaim "to the Queen!" anytime somebody farts, if the other lad witnesses the event he adds "and all who sail in her!" much to the often perplexed expressions of those in attendance.

This is in honour of the original bloke who I used to work with, he often ad-libbed whatever the occasion. His finest work being "and a fish!" at any given pause in the conversation.
(Wed 26th Nov 2008, 13:32, More)

» Strict Parents

I know this is in the wrong section, but I got interupted last week...
Dangerous Dogs Act ...appallingly

When I was courting the now good lady wife, I decided it would be a good idea to demonstrate my cooking skills. So in time honoured fashion I rustled up a classic spag bol and entertained the mildly impressed girlfriend in my mother's kitchen. After the last of the Chianti had been drunk we disappeared upstairs for afters so to speak, leaving my mum's Staffordshire bull terrier with the dirty dishes.

The next day, my mum returned home from her morning shift to a scene of horror awaiting her in the kitchen. The dog was cowering in the corner and the walls, the kitchen units, even the artexed ceiling had been sprayed with stinking dog shit. It appeared that the hungry animal had managed to knock the pan of left-over meat sauce off the stove and scoffed the lot. Unfortunately he suffered a bad reaction to my rich Italian cuisine and while I was otherwise engaged upstairs he was unable to contain himself. The poor dog must have done a somersault at some stage during the rapid evacuation of his bowels?

It still gets mentioned on family occasions and my wife still blushes, bless.
(Sat 10th Mar 2007, 11:44, More)

» Customers from Hell

Yes, come in...
The best I ever heard was a workmate who was sick and tired of double glazing tele sales pestering him. So he aggreed to a couple of reps appointments which went ahead as follows...
First rep was met by a raving looney who went into a complete rage, saying he'd removed his rotten wooden windows and waited in all yesterday for the fitting team who never showed up. So he's only just put them all back in again and continues to pretend to throw a fit. The rep just backed away whilst apologising.
Second rep was led into the house and ushered into a very cramped utility room. Where he was asked to measure-up and quote for the washing machine window in all seriousnous. How he kept a straight face I'll never know?
They still tickle me and I believe he's never been troubled since.
(Tue 9th Sep 2008, 20:38, More)