» Tactless

Witness the Christmas
When I was about 18, I went to pick my mate up to go to our usual Xmas eve piss up. I thought it would be nice to drop a christmas card in to his parents. There was a house full of his mum and dads 'friends'. So I ignore the advise of my mate to 'get the fuck out of here' and I burst in and wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS in a silly voice. Turns out his parents, and the house full were all Jehovahs Witnesses who as it happens, hate Christmas. And subsequently... Me
(Fri 4th Nov 2011, 3:08, More)

» Random Acts of Evil

Cat related evil
My friend's cat had gone missing, so naturally he was keen to find him. He decided to fly-post the neighbourhood with "Lost Cat" posters.
He stupidly put home, mobile and office numbers on the posters.

The local student population spent the next few months phoning up pretending to be a cat in pain, or issuing ransom demands.

This continued, long after the cat had returned
(Tue 21st Feb 2012, 19:26, More)

» I Hurt My Rude Bits, Again

I'm surprised it still works...
As a kid of about 13, showing off on holiday i traversed the slippery concrete bollards that seperated the kids pool from the adult pool. One foot went one way, the other foot the other. Naturally the whole of Spain saw and pointed and laughed for the rest of the holiday.

As a goalkeeper I have lost count of the amount of times my bollocks have come between the ball and the goal. And it never seems to get any less funny (for everyone else)

Only yesterday I was whacking clove oil in my mouth to try and numb the mother of all toothaches. Turns out, it has a similar effect to chillies on your bellend. My mother in law is staying at the moment and she seems to camp out in the bathroom, and as (bad) luck would have it, she was in there at the time. So I had to use the only remaining sink big enough to fit my arse and burney bits in, the kitchen sink. It was about 15 minutes before my wifes laughter subsided so I could explain why she found me with my pants round my ankles with my arse in the kitchen sink with an post orgasmic buck-toothed grin on my face.
(Fri 8th Mar 2013, 12:53, More)

» Churches, temples and holy places

Vati-can
Couple of months back, me and the wife went to Rome. Despite our shared belief that all religion is complete and utter bollocks, we felt obliged to do the touristy thing and go to the Vatican.

I had to answer the call of nature, so I asked a priestly looking bloke where the toilets where. And before he could answer my wife said
"He needs to go for a Holy Shit"
(Thu 1st Sep 2011, 21:49, More)

» Little Moments of Joy

infant words
I work away from home a lot. I've been away for the last 6 days. I came home today to my little baby daughter (17 months) say "Dada" as a walked in the door.

The little moment of joy is not from her saying "Dada", she's been saying it for ages. It's the pain on my wife's face at the fact she still can't say Mama
(Fri 24th Jan 2014, 0:12, More)