» Tightwads

My Dad.
he works on a tip and like my Mum is a product of the post war make do and mend mentality.

I was once broke and in proper need of a new mobile phone. The next day he came home from work with a working nokia and sim for the network I wanted.

What happens is this, when they go in of a morning, if anyone is after something, the word gets around and everyone keeps an eye out. Apparently one guy "specialises" in sim cards and he has an old tobacco tin full of them.

Then there was the time that management told him that there would be no Christmas bonus one year. Oh no! he thinks.

So he gets hands on an old rubbish bin, remember the round ones anyone? So he sets about looking after the furniture being bought into his yard and takes the time to take out EVERY brass upholstery tack from every single piece of furniture that comes his way and puts it aside in the bin.

Around comes Christmas and he sells the tacks for a fair amount of cash for scrap metal. Apparently that was the best bonus he got in a long time. Genius.
(Sat 25th Oct 2008, 1:41, More)

» Body Mods

WOW
Ok, so this is so not me. But you have to take a look at this one.

www.bmezine.com/news/people/A10101/addsub/

My jaw actually fell open when I read this one first time round.
(Fri 1st Dec 2006, 10:20, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

So my insane very ex.
What a nutcase. Not too pretty though. Had a face like he has just finished chewing on his nasty looking feet.

Anyway in the first six months I REALLY had trouble getting a word in edgeways. I took an active interest in both of his main hobbies. You know made a real and honest effort.

The cracks began to form.

I went for a wonder to the shops on my day off, one of his friends saw me and gave me a lift home. Being a woman I had a lot of bags. Bonkers man insists that I have had an illicit afternoon of sex with his friend. OOOhh KAAAAAYYYYY!

Over the next year or so, in his twisted little mind I have had affairs with the store manager where I work, nasty smelly early morning manager, gay man at work, his brother (WTF?) and his brother in law (who had cracked on to what was going on). Various accusations ensue, hour long shouty events happen. Bonkers man insists that I "prove" to him that I'm not having an affair by sleeping with him. Yikes!

His paranoia increases.

So happy that I no longer have any male friends and the bedroom stuff has basically stopped. Bonkers man insists that I MUST be a lesbian. Hmm let me think, erm no I'm not. But seeing as in his mind I am, I am free to "explore" that part of my personality in our house. With my best friend, who also isn't a lesbian.

So I try to leave him. He threatens that if I do, he will come and scream at me at work and take out an ad in the local newspaper so that everyone in Portsmouth with know what I am like.

By this time, I have no friends, I used to wake in the night for a secret cry, he used to look through my dirty underwear in the laundry basket "for evidence", watching soaps was bad for my mind, I had tried to do a few classes to move up the career ladder and he couldn't have been more unsupportive.

After he had forced me to have sex with him, he used to remind me that because we were married it was his right as my husband.

Just to make sure that I wasn't in a fit state to leave him or have an affair he used to tell me regurlarly that no other man would want me because I am too fat and stupid.

When I finally managed to get the hell out of there (took me the best part of a year!), on the guise that I was going stay with my Mum for a couple of days, he used to phone my Mum up and hastle my sister online and to convince them to help him get me back. And somehow he managed to find my fave chat spot and get my most secret email off one of the people there, that they didn't have to start off with.

Once when I was stupid enough to talk to him on the phone we had this conversation.
Bonkers man :"why won't you come back to me?"
Me "Because you don't trust me"
Bonkers man: "Yes I do."

After he served divorce papers on me, he changed the locks, so I basically walked out of there with whatever he thought fit that I should have of my stuff. He donated a lot of my stuff to I don't know where.

Then he moved to Australia to be with the "love of his life". I know this because he kept tabs on me for ages afterwards and sent me a letter to my work letting me know that he was ok, and that I should "get help".

So, the world is indeed a big enough place for me never to see Bonkers man again. He gets the Southern Hemisphere and Portsmouth, and I get the rest of the world.

This tale has a little postscript, that I would like to share with whoever has read this far down:- Just as soon as I had managed to leave I started boinking for Britain just to see if I could. Indeed I wasn't too fat, I wasn't too stupid and I wasn't such a bad lay after all.

Still Bonkers man will die far far far before I pass on from this mortal coil.

To end this, I would like to say a public thanks to the people who helped me through that nasty time, and the people who stayed on my side and most of all the hot sex with no strings men (apart from that man who wanted to help me with shaving, that's a bit messed up)
(Wed 22nd Nov 2006, 12:54, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Whenever I stay in a hotel
I take the Giddeon bible and write in the back cover "You should have read the Koran, the plot is much better."

Although, I'm sure that if I think hard about it, there are worse things I have done.
(Thu 11th Dec 2008, 22:19, More)

» When Animals Attack

Meat Eating Cat
When I moved to Ireland and set up house, I felt that I really needed a cat to make my new home complete.

So, being the responsible sort, I got a cat from a rescue place. Bean is a mature cat, with an iron will, and like other cats, she took a while to settle in.

After a couple of months, well pas the hide behind the TV stage, she was sleeping in the bed, sitting on the table, the normal stuff that cats do.

One Saturday morning, I was sleeping with my fingers laced on my chest I wake up with Bean walking over me and starts licking one of my fingers. Cute, I think. Then she starts gently nibbling my finger tip, still cute but a bit odd.

Then she lines up her mouth to take a chunk out of my finger, I pull away quickly enough to avoid blood loss.

She does this a few times to both me and my partner.

It's not until a couple of weeks later that I put the pieces of the puzzle together. The lady that she lived with last was rather old and died rather suddenly, and I'm guessing that she was left in the house with her for a couple of days. So it looks as if she was just checking to see if we were asleep or dead.
(Mon 28th Apr 2008, 11:02, More)