» Neighbours

Kevin
A while ago I lived in a top floor flat for five years. During that time I had three sets of neighbours living in the flat below. The first two were very nice people. Then Kevin moved in with his girlfriend.

I won't call Kevin chavscum as that would be insulting to decent, hardworking chavscum everywhere. Suffice it to say he had "KEV" tattooed on his hand, presumably in case someone asked him a difficult question like "What is your name?" Shortly after Kevin moved in, I was enjoying a quiet evening at home listening to music. There was a bang on the floor and Kevin appeared at the door and asked me to turn it down. Fair enough of course - Wagner isn't to everyone's taste and I had no idea that it was audible as none of the previous neighbours had mentioned it. I made a point of playing music much more quietly.

Not long after that, I was woken at 7.30 on a Saturday morning by a sound like you would hear from someone having his testicles removed with a blunt and rusty knife. I soon realised that this was Kevin's idea of singing. It went on for an hour, and I was subjected to the same atrocity against music pretty well every weekend, early in the morning. For variety he would burp for an hour and one Bank Holiday I heard him singing THE SAME FUCKING SONG for three hours on end, with the accompaniment of what I assume was a karaoke machine.

I decided that if he was going to be that annoying, so would I. So I put on a CD at a reasonable listening volume and sure enough, the first orchestral tutti was accompanied by banging from below. I went down and tried to point out that if he he expected me to be considerate, he should be too. His reply was that he thought he was quite a good singer. When I disagreed, he came up with the line "You don't like our music, we don't like yours."

You can't argue with someone like that but anyway I believe revenge is best served drunk. Every time I got home from the pub I would piss on the doorhandles of his van, and after he'd particularly annoyed me I removed the van's aerial. His vocal effort the next morning, resonant with rage, was probably the best performance he ever gave.
(Mon 5th Oct 2009, 19:39, More)

» Hotel Splendido

Youth hostel, Brittany
Many moons ago I went on a school trip to Concarneau in Brittany and we stayed in a youth hostel. On first sight all seemed well - the place was clean, the beds reasonably comfortable and the breakfast very edible. However one day we'd been wandering around town in the blazing heat and when we got back to the hostel, all we wanted to do was get clean. This was rather thwarted by one of our group, an ace guy from Newcastle, coming out of the bathroom with a disgusted expression.

"There's a turd in the bath" he announced. We decided that rather than deal with excrement from an unknown source we'd rather stink. Until someone suggested that perhaps the guy had made this up in order to get the bathroom all to himself. So we went to look.

Said "turd" was indeed in the bath, a small green amphibian with warts on its back, hopping around and obviously rather bewildered by the attention it was getting.
(Sat 19th Jan 2008, 11:12, More)

» * PFFT *

Marks and Spencer
A while ago a mate had been on an all day drinking session in London. On his way to catch his train he let one go which followed through rather spectacularly. So he dashed into the nearest Marks and Spencer and bought a new pair of trousers. Needless to say he was rather embarrassed by the spreading brown stain on the seat of his pants, so he threw the required amount of cash down, hurriedly grabbed the M & S bag off the counter and made a hasty exit.

Once on his train he went to the toilet, took off his soiled trousers and underpants and chucked them out of the window. Then he opened the bag to find...

...a sweater. Nothing else.
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 15:17, More)

» Work Experience

Football boots
When I worked as a teacher one of my responsibilities was visiting the 5th year kids in their placements during work experience week. One of them (I'll call him John, I can't remember his real name) was a shy, retiring kid who'd begged for a placement at a local garage where the mechanics were all rough and ready types. When I visited John it was immediately obvious that he wasn't enjoying it at all and after some coaxing, he explained why.

One of the mechanics had said "Hey, John, do us a favour mate, go and find Dave and ask if his brother still wants those football boots." Keen to please, John complied, and gave Dave, the roughest mechanic at the garage, the message.

Dave's brother had only lost his legs in a motorbike accident a week before, hadn't he?
(Fri 11th May 2007, 16:22, More)

» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

Not sure if this is true or not but...
...apparently a mate of a mate back at uni got paralytic but still managed to get a girl to go back to his room. Upon going to bed he threw up on her then fell sound asleep. He woke alone many hours later to find a turd on his chest.

I've never been able to confirm the veracity of this story but thought I'd share it as it does bring a new meaning to being dumped!
(Sat 7th Jun 2008, 15:39, More)