» Debt pron

Don't live in a camper van if you can't drive
Let me take you back to being a recent graduate in the 1980s. 2 grand overdrawn, bank account frozen and having spent the housing benefit on uproarious living (beer and chips) I am in shtuck with landlord, but have a job and first pay packet should unlock life's riches once again. Mate suggests I stay in his VW camper for a while, which he generously parks outside my rented property. I hide in it with the lovely floral curtains closed as landlord ransacks empty house screaming for his money. I continue to hide every other day for about a week until he twigs that the snoring coming from the camper each evening may be in someway connected to me and starts hammering on the windscreen. Only at this point do I realise that if I had wanted to move said van, taking a course of driving lessons in the 6 weeks leading up to my cunning scheme might have been a wise move. Taking the hand brake off and rolling forwards four feet before inertia brings me to a halt isn't exactly the getaway required. Cue the first of three periods of my life in which I have slept in the office. And explained away facial bruising with casual leisure-pursuit related lying.
(Tue 28th Nov 2006, 22:29, More)

» Famous people I hate

More love
Sorry to say I have worked with some famous bods. Omid Djalili - lovely, lovely man. Ditto Adam Hart-Davies. Jeremy Clarkson, however, is a denim and leather clad sausage-skin of shit, who believes that his polyphobic sarcasm is genuine wit and wisdom because so many other reactionary cretins agree with him. And Nick Knowles - the best example of a non-entity who has self-inflated like a frog who has shoved a bike pump up its own arse.
(Sun 7th Feb 2010, 19:46, More)

» Puns

Keats and Chapman anyone?
I was walking past the allotments the other day - one chap was seiving compost while his wife cut up a mattress and fed it into a brazier. "Ah", says I to meself, "riddling while foam burns."
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 21:45, More)

» Bad gigs

oh... dear
Julian Cope at Birmingham Odeon - supported by The Woodentops. Who spent 7 minutes tuning up, then the lead singer spent the rest of the night inside a wardrobe which had been placed onstage for that specific purpose, only emerging to say 'You think we're shit, don't you?'. Cue me engaging him in Samaritan style conversation [the other 38 audience members shuffling embarrassedly] for 10 minutes. Apologies to all who were there for persuading them to carry on playing.
(Mon 29th Jul 2013, 21:51, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

Ramsgate NCP carpark
on the concrete steps after missing the last coach home because some ferry security people wanted to strew my belongings down the concourse and photocopy my passport several times, before I even reached customs. 6 weeks worth of student socks and pants (i.e. 4 pairs of each). Didn't know at the time but there is a man who is the only person allowed to sleep in that carpark. Found out soon enough when the baseball bat missed my snoring head by a couple of millimetres.
Oh - and naked under a table with a kitchen knife in my arm I'd apparently put there myself. Grandad was right. Our family can't take whiskey. Or whisky. Gin, on the other hand, just makes me piss on the floor on all fours barking like a dog.
(Fri 29th Dec 2006, 15:42, More)