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Some sort of Yorkshire Based Idiot...

I am an Internet Cunt, You Cunt

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» Helicopter Parents

I suppose I should post..
A little bit about me first..

I'm 26, the oldest of 3 boys, and am still living at home...

I always thought that my mum was deeply overprotective of the 3 of us, but now I sit back and look at it, I can see that she was the exact opposite..

I never really did well at school, was always one of the top 2-3 in the class in everything except English (which can probably be seen in the rambling way in which I'm writing this), and as far as I can remember none of us ever wanted for anything.

It may be some initial paranoia on my part that I was overlooked for my little brother, who ever since he had open heart surgery at the age of 2 some 20 years ago, and again 10 years ago, has been slightly less developed than myself or my middle brother, and this can be obviously seen at times in his maturity.

Despite the setback of my little brother, my mum always took it upon herself to make sure that we were always well turned out for school, even if there was little money to allow her and my dad to do so, and taught us the whys and wherefores of mannerisms and general behaviour.

I suppose that I always thought that I was being mollycoddled by my parents, who didn't really want me to go out, unless I could tell them where I'd be and everything. In hindsight however, they'd got enough on their plate making sure my 2 younger brothers were alright, and making sure that my youngest brother was over whatever small illness was affecting him at the time.

I look at my middle brother now, theres only 2 years between myself and him, but, he's married, got a lovely wife, and 2 cracking kids, and I can see a lot of both of my parents parenting skills in him. He seems to have learnt a lot from them, but he says to me that a lot of it is just common sense, the rest he just looked at how mum and dad did everything.

A lot of people say that you're either shielded from everything as a youngster, or you're not, but, from my point of view, your parents affect your life a lot more than you actually realise. They may be hands off, but by doing that, they may let you learn by your mistakes. They may be hands on, when they feel that you don't have the experience of the situation, or hands on because they don't you to make the same mistakes they have.

I look at the way both my parents are now with the grandkids, and I don't think anything they're doing when they look after them has changed from when they were bringing the 3 of us up, and now I look at it, nearly 20 years later, its a lot easier to see than it was through the eyes of a youngster.

Thanks mum, thanks dad, I've learnt a lot from you, I hope I can bring up any children I have as well as you brought the 3 of us up.
(Sun 13th Sep 2009, 8:58, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Ode To A Penis..
I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless;
You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days,
When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh,
As something very precious.


It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight;
A purple love machine.


It dangles neatly down below;
Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within;
Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.


It has a mind all of its own;
It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy;
You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length;
It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it?
You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loos,
And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed,
A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is,
When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous;
It has so many uses.
For women it is special too;
Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated,
From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud;
And thank the lord you're male.
(Thu 12th Mar 2009, 21:43, More)

» Advice from Old People

I don't normally post in here, but heres my story.
My grandad was one of those people who you either loved, or hated. Luckily for me, we shared a lot more than any normal family, I had the same first name as him, and we shared a lot of common interests (even if he didn't want to talk about them all the time).

During the times we spent together, he imparted on me all sorts of advice, and always seemed to take great care to make sure that it got across to me.

The last time I saw him would be about 6 weeks before he died, and he gave me the piece of advice that would stick with me until the day my time on this planet ends. He was sat in his chair, this once great hulk of a man, and we just got talking, he seemed to feel more comfortable reminiscing about things he'd done wrong in his life, and he just came out with it.
He said 'Don't spend the rest of your life going out to impress everyone. It'll only make them think that you're up to something. As long as achieve everything you set out to, you'll be the happiest person in the world'.

Its almost 2 years since he died, and I've tried my hardest to live up to that advice (even if it is slightly ironic to follow it given the nature of it). I've not achieved everything I've set out to just yet, but I'm on my way to doing it.

Apologies for length. I swear it was shorter when I started.
(Thu 19th Jun 2008, 19:33, More)

» Family Holidays

Hide and Seek Champion of the World..
Went on holiday to Kos with my family in 1991. I was only 18 months old, so I played hide and seek with my nan.

They've still not found me 16 years later.

Take that Maddy.

Ben Needham.
(Thu 2nd Aug 2007, 23:58, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

Work Nudity..
Now,

There are a few people on here who know me, and know what I do for a living, so for them, this story may not be that bad...

I work for the government, in one of their highly furbished custodial centres.

On the day in question, I was working in the Education department, where the residents came to get their qualifications.

Sitting in the office, reading my book, I heard some commotion out in the corridor, but thought nothing of it, as it was smoke break time, and there would be people milling about as they went outside for a fag.

Shortly afterwards, I heard a tap on the office window (a full width window, that came down to about 3 foot off the floor), and a shout of "Oi, IPTCIS, look at this". Upon looking up, I was greeted with what could only be described as the most shocking thing I've seen since Goatse.

Two of the residents, successfully recreating the Arabian Goggles, both, stark bollock naked, but instead of lying down, one was sat on the other ones shoulders and had his bollocks pressed against the window.

I couldn't do anything except for laugh, and I couldn't even bring myself to tell them off, as I was laughing too hard at it.

Length? It must have been 5 inches long, bent to the right and slightly withered at the end.
(Wed 3rd Jun 2009, 19:14, More)
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