» Strict Parents

not really here...
My parents were so strict that they had a discussion and decided not to conceive me, so actually I don't exist and am a figment of your imagination.
(Tue 13th Mar 2007, 20:17, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Sandwich time...
Well my best mate thru college always liked openly banging his girlfriends in my bedroom while I was there (hell, I saved a fortune on pornos!), so the stash of condoms was always at my house.

Anyhows, one time we're round his house with his *young* girlfriend (who incidentally loved gargling his love muck on a regular basis) and we're quickly getting her pissed on pernod.

Then she announces that she wants us both at once. Sandwich style. Both holes plugged. One away from airtight. But the condoms are at my house a mile away.

So I sprint the 3 mile round trip for rubber socks, only to come back and find that I'm locked out because the front door has a yale lock on it and the back door was locked anyway.

And the knocking and bell ringing (at the door that is) was futile because the only people who can hear it are engaged in frantic oral action and ain't gonna answer the door to anyone.

Best sex I ever looked forward to...worst sex I ever (never) had.

I occassionally bump into her if I'm in the area visiting relatives, and always think to myself that I very nearly reamed the asshole out of her many years ago.
(Sat 16th Jun 2007, 22:14, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

I'm sure it'll still work...
I used to work as a CAD monkey at a large UK chemicals company many many years ago. Our supervisor in the CAD office was a complete bitch - we couldn't stand her. Fooking cow - I still hate her as much just thinking about her.

During my last few weeks, I decided that all drawings I got to work on would have some new content added. For those who don't know Autocad, you can basically keep zooming into a drawing greater than the detail an electron microscope could render - perfect if you want to write a paragraph of insults about the supervisor within the tiniest dot of digital semen coming out of a roughly vectored spunky cock, none of which would be remotely visible to someone viewing the drawing at normal size.

I also accidentally deleted a very important drawing of a very important part of a new chemical processing plant for a very important project, could find no backup of it so hastilly redrew it from memory and improvised the hazy bits from drawings I found lying around.

Teesside never did blow up though, so I guess it was all OK in the end.

Length? 7" but depends on the Viewport settings.
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 23:34, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Global warming
Is actually utter bollox made up so that governments can tax you more for alledgedly causing a global catastrophe when in actual fact we're at the total mercy the earth's precession and can accurately predict when the next ice age will happen.

PS. it's next week, but if you switch off your gas you may be able to delay it by 6 hours. Or you can pay me £250 and I'll push it back another day.
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 23:07, More)

» Hypocrisy

Using my time machine...
I travelled to the future in the post-apocalyptical world.

Despite the gloomy outlook for civilisation, I took great pleasure watching vegetarians eating meat in order to stay alive.

I had the last laugh (in their faces).

Oh, and Arnie did get to be president (just like in Starship Troopers).
(Fri 20th Feb 2009, 9:42, More)