» I'm going to Hell...

So we know what to expect when we get there. . .
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
States that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 8:43, More)

» Crazy Relatives

Erm.. lunch hour
My mother called me yesterday to have a chat and I mentioned I was on my lunch hour.

"How long is your lunch hour?" She asked.

Dear God... let me take after my father...
(Fri 6th Jul 2007, 15:35, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

Green Phlegm
I remember one kid at school who always grossed me out. He came from quite a religious family but must have been one of those who DIDN’T feel that “cleanliness was next to godliness”.

First of all he had a terrible personal hygiene problem – the smell had gone past the “kid with BO” stage and the “kid needs to be disinfected stage” and got to the stage where no-one would sit next to him for fear it might attach itself to their clothes.

He was also quite happy to sit in class and mine for green gold, either wiping it under the table or eating it – quite oblivious to the disgusted look of the person who was sitting next to him. (Sitting next to him was quite an effective punishment from the teacher).

The thing that really grossed me out about this boy though was when he came into school with a nasty cold, green snot, coughing and choking, the works. However, the gross bit (still makes me gag now) was when he coughed and a gigantic bit of phlegm flew out of his mouth into his hand. He inspected it for a while, showed it to his neighbour and then sucked it off his hand and swallowed it.
(Mon 22nd Jan 2007, 15:22, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Just Like Fanny's
Driving from Oxford to Burford there’s a warehouse on the right side of the dual carriageway. About 5 years ago this warehouse had a poster on it which proudly proclaimed “Our muffins are soft and moist just like Fanny’s”.

100% truth. 80 mile trip from Northampton to Fairford – the sign made it all worthwhile!

(I assume they meant Fanny Craddock. I hope so anyway - chokes on muffin)
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 10:51, More)

» When were you last really scared?

motorbike + diesel spill = flat person
Driving my bike back to Northampton from Swindon and got to the Cherwell services roundabout where there are 2 lanes to go straight over the roundabout towards Northampton.

My boyfriend was in the other lane to go straight across and me being the idiot I am, looked across and thought it would be amusing to beat him across the roundabout (simple things etc etc). Boyfriend obviously had a similar idea so when we got a space in the traffic both twisted the throttle hard and leaning over decided to race for the lane.

Not remembering the lorries fill up on diesel at the services there and tend to spill some on roundabout. Not remembering wet roads, diesel spills and motorbikes not particularly good combination unless tyremarks across head from cars behind a good look.

Back end of bike gives a kick and decides to act somewhere along lines of bucking bronco (well it felt like it at the time). The time did the whole slowing down thing and I’m heading for either the ditch or the tarmac (ditch would be favourite at this point due to car behind ready to flatten me and bike).

Managed to rescue due to luck rather than any kind of skill. Bit pathetic but definitely one of most scary moments for me. (Also Dad had spent last 2 years sorting out 400-4 so would definitely have been scared of the ass kicking that followed from screwing up all that work)
(Tue 27th Feb 2007, 15:07, More)