» And that's the thanks I got

I should have put the phone down...
I am sorry to all those saddled with mad bosses, and rubbish jobs. Mine is great. I'm on the radio. No I really am and everything!

This is the point where I start to talk about the horrible things you have to do when everyone thinks that you're their bezzie mate.

The worst of which came during the over night show I used to do. Midnight to 6am, a full 6 hours broadcasting to the drunk, the security guards and the terminally depressed. Yup, it was one of the latter that called.

Her name wasn't Julie but it'll do. Julie said to me, in her best cracked voice "I just called up to say goodbye, I've got a knife and I'm going to kill my self" Well that wasn't a good conversation to have when you think that the call is going to be "have you got any Tina Turner?" I have to say this didn't happen on air, I answered my own phones at that horrid little station... sooooo anywho, There I was young fella tying to talk to a crying snotty suicidal stranger on the phone, and every 10 mins or so I had to break off the phone to say "You're listening to... that was... this is... the time is coming up to..." Then I'd get back to trying to stop this woman killing herself. Eventually she went away, placated and I had her address to send her a mug to cheer her up (I still don't know why I did that but it is important).

Quarter of an hour later she called back, telling me that I was lying to her and she'd decided that life wasn't worth living. At this point thought that I had to do something, so I lent onto the "talkback" button (intercom) to where the security guard was watching Judge Judy. He came into the studio 'cus he couldn't work out why I was saying such random things like "Have you still got the knife" to him.

I passed him a note that said "Send the police round to (address - you see I told you it was important) she's threatening suicide." and he scampered off.

Eventually she calmed enough to agree to go to bed and try to sleep, and make it through to the morning. I put the phone down, finished the show and went home to bed.

At 2pm (just when I was getting up) I got a call from my boss, who'd had a call from a woman who was livid "pink with anger" he said, she's never been so embarrassed in her life and it was irresponsible of me to send the police to her house. How dare we do something like that, and she was never going to listen to the station again.

You try to do the right thing, and yes she did sound convincing, but that is, dear reader, all the thanks I got.

Length?... insert weak joke here.
(Mon 28th May 2007, 11:02, More)

» Terrible food

Why, just WHY??
OK, this doesn't involve poo or nasty body squirtings, just a food stuff that was obviously copied from a picture.

I was in Northern Ireland and at university, so poor. This is the only reason why anyone would eat in the university cafe type place. They managed to suck out all the taste and texture of any food and produce a terrible grey mush. That wasn't the problem when I went in with my two pounds and spied a pizza.

It wasn't a big pizza, but it appeared to be well made. A slice of tomato that was still red, real cheese, two spears of asparragus (no really) and in the middle a black olive. I hadn't had an olive since leaving home, they weren't high on the shopping list (that was beer and fags) so I payed my money and went to enjoy my illicit middleclass olive eating pleasure.

It was a grape

A fucking GRAPE

I can only think that they once saw a picture of a pizza and thought in thier lard addled minds... "oooh that black thing there. It must be a grape, for there are no other black round foods".

I still feel the dissapointment...
(Sun 20th May 2007, 13:30, More)

» IT Support

Sorry, I honestly am
But I'm one of the special people you seem to have encountered. I have read many of the replies with the mounting feeling of straying into a phrase book for a language that belongs to a land I do not wish to visit.

When I call IT I'd like to think that I'm not going to be treated like a special child that's escaped from the attic.

A computermebob is a tool in the same way a car is. I know how to drive, and I drive well, but when the noisy bit under that cover at the front goes wrong I take it to a man who didn't do well at school and pay him vast amounts of money to make it better. He probably has a message board (or graffiti in a bus shelter) where he discusses how silly I was to need a new HT lead (do they still have them?)

So when I call IT and have one of those prickly conversations where I can tell they are being patronising. I pull them up. Sorry, but just be nice. I am nice when I call. I understand that what I'm about to say has been said many many many times before, I know that I haven't invented new ways to break my "mechanical thinking machine" but tuff, if you had spent more time talking to women instead of sitting in your rooms doing code things then you may have more social graces to deal with the mundane problems of the majority of IT users.

Just wondering what a Doctors version of this QOTW would be... "and then he said, 'but my hearts stopped' and I realised he hadn't plugged in the life support, oh how we laughed"

Bastards.

EDIT; I work for a large multinational that has desktop updates every other week or so. I accept the update and sit back. I got into work a month ago accepted the update, it took 45 mins and I then got on with my day, only to find the mail saying it had been released by error had just encrypted my drives and should have only gone to portable users. They were working on getting it back in the mean time erm... call IT support. See why I'm jaded and confused?
(Sun 27th Sep 2009, 20:15, More)

» Failed

failed but in a good way
My first big failure was my French a-level. I didn't care because in my happy go lucky way I did an art AS and managed to get into a University. In Northern Ireland. Now, being a foolish and strangely attractive (no honest) young English boy, with as much knowledge about "the troubles" as particle dynamics, I went across with my heart held high.

The main failure of my entire time studying was "Failure to understand the seriousness of the situation"

I got off the ferry and realised that the police had guns. Not in a jolly French "look we have guns and silly hats" sort of way, but big fuck off guns. This was 1992 and the cease fire was just a happy little idea amongst optimists.

So, after a couple of nights in the bar singing away with the boys I failed to understand the significance of the songs in that funny heathen Irish language. One of my mates explained some time later that Big G was a major IRA sympathiser, a psycho and had anti English violence in his blood, and the only reason that I had escaped with my knees intact was that I had confused the fuck out of him and hadn't been intimidated. From then on Big G treated me like a "special child".

I failed to understand what happened when my friend was asked to burn out a car... later learned it was to remove evidence of a UVF beating. Who was I to worry? I didn't realise.

I failed to realise the offence that was caused by producing the SU Magazine in the only paper colours that we had. Red White And Blue. It lasted one issue after our editor got threatening phone calls, about his family and petrol bombs.

I failed to get laid too. Fucking Catholic Girls, all tease and no put out... though I think it may have been my complete misunderstanding of their culture.

But the big lesson is to pretend nothing is wrong and get drunk, it confuses the fuck out of people.

Failure to be concise is also one of my traits :-)


p.s. on the faliure to get laid bit. It was just the locals who avoided me. The ex pats and overseas students were only too happy to lend a hand... or whatever...
(Sun 7th Jan 2007, 12:19, More)

» Mix Tapes

I officialy have the weakest reason
I used to play the tapes in my 2cv with a (get the power) 2 watt stereo! wooha feel the base! Aaaaanyhoo, I had a bit of a thing for naming them for what I was using them for, so there was holiday, driving, going to work...

I found one when clearing out at the weekend, and this is the truth. I had a tape called (drum roll)

Going to Guildford

I am so ashamed.
(Fri 8th Feb 2008, 11:04, More)