» Stuff I've found

back in the days where people received training
I had 5 weeks on a residential course, it was their own traing centre. in the middle of all the doorframes was a little plate at waist height " oh its a detector to check the door is shut" etc.

One afternoon, I unscrewed the little brass plate and there was hole bored behind it, in it was a little note that said " Yes, I`m fucking bored too". I put it back and rescrewed the plate.
(Thu 6th Nov 2008, 19:22, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

I can laugh now (twitch)
A while ago I was mistakenly kind to a woman who turned out to be a nutter and obsessed and actually got committed.

She had a works leaving do in a dodgy bit of south London and asked me along as protection for the journey home.
She got trolleyed on red wine.
I can lift 100kg, but not in 5f2 drunken wobbly package.
managed to get her back home, coat and shoes off, in the recovery position on the bed, bin ready for wine return.

I took one of the many stolen pint glasses down to the kitchen for a pint of water to leave before going.

When I got back up the light was off. I turned it on and there was a sight. She had stripped off all her clothes bar a pair of white ankle socks. (she had tiny feet, it made it worse by contrast)

She was flat on her back, boob under each armpit, knees in the air, bomb bay doors gaping, muttering vague imprecations to put something in somewhere THEN the icing on the cake.

A huge thunderous fart of the sort with that fleshy wet sound only really fat people can make. I could see ripples so I burst out laughing. Her flatmate woke up and I told her and we were in fits.

" so which page of the book of seduction did she get that one from?"

When I remembered this it was the white socks, it reminded me of those paper chefs hats decorations they put on roast turkeys and chickens in the gravy and paxo adverts way back when.

Don`t get me wrong I`m not a body fascist, a reubens-esque woman can be a source of warmth in winter and valuable shade in summer, but it is a matter of degree, there is a difference between scratching and tearing lumps!
(Fri 29th May 2009, 23:12, More)

» Hypocrisy

"devout" christian
My folks moved when I was 10, the spinster (Winnie) next door was a church goer and made sure you were aware of it. She bought a puppy named peter, All you could hear was "No Peter, bad boy," he was kept tethered in the garden on a chain ( with a kennel) but a friendly if a little nervous thing. no wonder!

One day I got confirmed what I suspected , she was beating him with his leash I had a go and got told to "mind your place boy" so I went in to gran " Gran she`s hitting that puppy and told me to sod off"

4ft 6 of trouble launched into action, gave her a an earsplitting including "Typical, church on a sunday ,and think your shit doesn`t stink for the rest of the week? hard luck it does and I`ll report you or give you as good as you gave him if i ever catch you again, You wicked cow". If I remember she said "and if my grandson catches you I`ve told him to knock on Mrs swithenbanks(?) door she`s got a phone to call the RSPCA " (and she`s in the same church and is one of the lay officials, oops)

It stopped.
The irony was that Gran had been in the Salvation army and manned soup kitchens in the east end during the appalling times after the great war ended. Her attitude was: You don`t need all that cant, if you can`t do a good one don`t do a bad one, but if someone deliberately does a bad one to you and yours teach them never to do it again.
works for me, I have my own set of hypocrisies
(Fri 20th Feb 2009, 18:41, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

when It failed
message below brings back a silly about a fancy dress party, I was still 6th form and no dosh so I used an aunty sweaterthing still in stasis in a drawer, handkerchief boots and went as Gumby from python
Mate who had left at 16 and was earning turned up also in an ss uniform. He`d hired it to wind up his dad who was Polish and hated Germans. Disappontment all his dad had said was "at least you look fucking tidy for a change"
(Tue 24th Jul 2007, 19:03, More)

» Hypocrisy

Smoking and farting
In the early 80`s tech rooms were two sorts, something very dust and particle sensitive was in its own filtered room , because it was usually expensive. Manned areas had non dust sensitive stuff, so smoking was still allowed. Most didn`t light up in a small room full of fans in the electronics `cos it quickly turned into into a smokechamber unless it was just the odd drag because you couldn`t leave something unattended.

One person was different and would chainsmoke ( because he didn`t actually do any work unless forced) and it was out of order, but he objected voiciferously if anyone sifted a smelly one.

The cunning plan involved a couple of us when we knew we would be in there, night before egg curry, beans masala , channa dhal(beans), mehti gosht ( also known as a mighty gust), saag (spinach) Guinness and Draught Bass. ( not recommended, there is no quck quench to stop what happens next when you have had enough)


This was heady stuff, I Belsened the shower that morning, and was doing intermittent hovercraft impressions, then let loose the drafts of war on him " oh that`s disgusting, my cigarette tastes awful!".

Joined by my colleague at late shift start, we stank the place out.
He went and complained to our manager about the farting and got met with "But you smoke, so how can you complain?"

It worked, but he just used to leave things unwatched for 10 minutes to have a fag break outside, and we had to do his work, small price to pay though.

(Not sure if this is a partial pearoast, if so apollo`s and for the tiddly edits that should have been pre posting. The menu is not overdone, we had more than that. )
(Sun 22nd Feb 2009, 16:59, More)