» Conned

Millions
Once, after 40 pints I was a little bit tipsy, so I walked into the world bank and who should I see but George Bush himself. I told him he owed me $40,000 and he paid up on the spot.

I then gave the money to an African childrens home, as I didn't have time to spend it all with all the birds hanging off my cock.

That's the sort of person I am.

Yours forever

LEGLESS (VISIT MY SITE PLEASE)
(Thu 18th Oct 2007, 13:12, More)

» Nightclubs

Malia Red Bull
We were in one those horrid fuckwit bars in Malia, all neon lights, red furniture, sunburnt clientelle and godawful music. The sort of bar where the DJ talks over the music constantly and the playing of Wake Me Up by Wham warrants a cheer from the low expectation having crowd.

We were genuinely having a great time.

Then in walked every holiday resorts nightmare, around 10 spiky haired lads in matching T-Shirts. You know, the ones with Baz the Shagger that kind of thing. They ordered what must have been 30 glasses of Vodka and Red Bull, the Ratboy drink of choice and commandeered a table covering it with glasses. (close your eyes and picture this table of glasses. It's relevant).

One of the Blazing squad had taken exception to my friend Matt, who stood 6'4". Normally a mistake, but in their drunken state, they rightly had safety in numbers. Matt laughed along quietly before taking two of the aforementioned glasses to the toliet with him, emerging a couple of minutes later with two glasses of steaming Vodka and Red Bull which were placed on the table.

The similarity between Vodka & Red Bull and Piss is uncanny and has to be more than coincidence. We then made a swift exit, but the thought of one of them drinking this then spitting it out covering at least of his friends is enough to make me smile.
(Wed 8th Apr 2009, 15:34, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Drugs
In Southend high street around fifteen years ago, there was one of the governments anti drug posters taking up the wall beneath the train line with the slogan

"THE EFFECTS OF DRUGS CAN LAST FOREVER".

The additional line added by a local ruffian read,

"IF YA LUCKY"

Made me laugh anyway.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 16:33, More)

» Festivals

Beware the Fudge
Reading Festival 2000 on the Saturday night. The line up was shall we say, not one of their finest.

We went to see Pulp and in the middle of the second song, Jarvis Cocker stopped the band mid song, demanded that all the houselights be switched on. The field was a mass of people silently staring at the stage, all drenched in bright white light. When he told the crowd to sit down, 60,000 people did so in a uniformed manner, leaving just me stood over the hordes. Sheepishly I sat down with everyone else awaiting further instructions, this was the start of a revolution or I was witnessing a mass coming together in front of a band I never really cared for.

Then it hit me. The back of my mates hand round my head. I'm sat in a puddle of mud, staring into the sky, soaked through, going through what I believe is a naked lunch moment.

In short, if you see a hippy called Kate selling fudge in the campsite, send her my best.
(Thu 4th Jun 2009, 14:17, More)

» Pet Peeves

Jamie Fucking Oliver & Simon Rimmer
Too obvious? Been posted before?

Fuck it.

I hate this prick far more than it is possible to dislike someone who has done you no harm whatsoever. Another cunt that needs stoving is that Simon Rimmer. If you don't know who he is, watch Something for the Weekend on a sunday morning. He's the scouse bald chef, the most self righteous, self opinionated, deluded wanker put on this earth. He actually runs a spot where he gets viewers to send a photo of them cooking one of his recipes???????

Seriously

And not to mention his name. RIMMER. If surnames derive from a family profession, well....

If you know who I mean, you'll hate him as much as I do, so please click and get the word out.
(Sat 3rd May 2008, 0:12, More)