» The most cash I've ever carried

$500,000
I once worked on a project in a pre-dominantly African American section of Miami, Florida, that required paying quite a large number of workers, to the tune of $100 each worker, in one single day. (That's about 5,000 people, give or take a few hundred for surprises.) As the payroll person where I'd worked, I had no problem handling accounts in the six-digit range, but I wasn't quite prepared for what upper management had planned for us at the last minute: instead of writing checks, the perfectly sane way of going about this, we would be lining up our workers at the end of the day and handing out thousands of envelopes with 100-dollar bills in each of them... In the Miami ghetto. I'm sure the idea made sense to them for some reason unbeknownst to me. To me though, the order came down like a death sentence.

Two days later I was sitting in my "secure location"... my kitchen... with half a million fresh-scented, milky-green U.S. dollars in $100 and $20 denominations in my lap. The money, when stacked, filled two milk crates, but all we could find to keep it in was beat up cardboard boxes. It was right after noon on a hot Florida day, and my boss had just brought it over from the bank; when it came through the door, it felt like some otherworldly presence had just entered, like your favorite band coming onstage, or the Pope Himself coming to speak to you. But with it came a very ominous feeling of danger.

I was by myself in my apartment, save for the three corn-rowed, humongous security guards that surrounded me, whom we'd hired from a less-than-reputable agency. The night before, under their watch, 8 fifteen-passenger vans we'd rented for the project were stolen. Well, 9 technically, if you count the one that was totalled. (The thieves used it to punch a hole in the cement wall of the lot where they were being kept, so that they could drive off with the other 8.)

We should have gone with off-duty cops, I kept thinking. These guys were salivating over the mountains of cash on my kitchen table. I laughed to myself upon seeing one of them literally licking his lips with his eyes locked on the cash... but not a real laugh. After what felt like days my boss came by and, after noticing the same thing, sent them elsewhere. He did bring my all 120 pounds of his wife though, to help me count the cash, and then left to take care of other things. But now, my apartment was no longer a secret. Fortunately, the state of Florida allows for the purchase and sale of machine guns, so I spent the rest of the day stuffing wads of cash into envelopes with my roommate's Chinese AK-47 pointed at the front door.

After it was all counted and stuffed, it was picked up for delivery to several different sites around the South Florida. I wasn't there to see it, but I was told that the carefully-formed lines of workers, upon realizing that payment was in cash, disintegrated quickly into an impatient mob, as predicted. There were gunshots and muggings and co-workers running for their lives. Don't you love decisions from the top?

Later that night though, there was still tens of thousands of dollars left over, from workers that never showed up. My girlfriend and I re-enacted Indecent Proposal.
(Fri 23rd Jun 2006, 7:10, More)

» Stalked

Ring and Run
Some idiot rang my doorbell at 3AM once. It was winter, and--expecting some kind of family emergency--I ran to the door in nothing but boxers and an undershirt. So you can imagine that I was pissed off to find nothing but the howling January wind at the door. I made it halfway up the steps when I realized that it had just snowed; I could follow his footprints.

Screw sleep, I thought. I got dressed and spent the next hour and a half tracing a pair of sneakers in the snow--I waited 45 minutes for his tracks to re-appear after they led to an all-night diner.

From there I just followed him home and peed on his house. That should teach him a lesson.
(Thu 31st Jan 2008, 17:20, More)

» Have you ever been rude to a celebrity?

I once stopped Horatio Sanz of Saturday Nite Live
...on his way out of a porn theatre in Germany. He didn't realize that I knew where he was coming from, and when I asked if I could get him on tape, he gladly obliged. And it went something like this.

Me: "Hi Horatio, I'm a big fan of SNL."

Horatio: "Hi there, thanks."

Me: "So I'm here with Horatio Sanz. Tell me Horatio, what are you doing here at the "Wicksen Palast" (Masturbation Palace)?

I've never seen a fat man run faster.
(Wed 14th Apr 2004, 20:20, More)

» Strange things you've been paid to do

pick dingleberries out of dogs' asses with a comb.
...never be a dog groomer, folks.
(Thu 30th Sep 2004, 16:35, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Terrible
Bob and his wife are expecting a baby. It's been 9 months and the baby is due at any time. One day, Bob gets a call at work, and a voice on the line says, "come down right away, your wife is going into labor!"

After half an hour of traffic and frantic driving, Bob finally makes it to the hospital. He runs inside, and searches high and low for his wife, with no success. Finally he stumbles upon the nursery, and he sees a young nurse. She's holding a bundle of cloth, and from it a tiny little head pokes out. "Sir," says the nurse, "this is your baby." Bob is astonished, and a wave of joy rushes over him.

The nurse drops the baby on the floor.

Bob goes apeshit. "WHAT THE FUCK are you DOING!" he shouts.

Then the nurse starts to kick the baby around on the floor like a soccer ball. After she's done with that, she picks the baby up and throws it against the wall. "Stop it! STOP! You're killing my baby!" says Bob. The nurse turns and smiles.

"April Fools! It was dead when you got here."
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 22:51, More)