Profile for UltimateMonkey:
Been on here ages and never did my profile, so here goes nothing.
I'm in my early 30s, live in Sheffield.
What else? Errr.
Work wise, I've been an actor, promoted all sorts of club nights, worked in pubs and restaurants and the worst job I ever did was litter-picking on a rubbish dump (for one day as an agency job).
I'm training as Teaching Assistant in a junior school right now and I love it.
I spend my time on b3ta on the lovely /links and firmly believe rule one (Don't be a cunt) should be adopted by the entire interwebs.
Unless, obviously, I feel like lashing out; in which case duck my sock muddyfunster!
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Best answers to questions:
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- a member for 2 years, 7 months and 14 days
- has posted 9 messages on the main board
- has posted 1 messages on the talk board
- has posted 871 messages on the links board
- (including 84 links)
- has posted 5 stories and 2 replies on question of the week
- They liked 99 pictures, 132 links, 0 talk posts, and 5 qotw answers. [RSS feed]
- Ignore this user
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Been on here ages and never did my profile, so here goes nothing.
I'm in my early 30s, live in Sheffield.
What else? Errr.
Work wise, I've been an actor, promoted all sorts of club nights, worked in pubs and restaurants and the worst job I ever did was litter-picking on a rubbish dump (for one day as an agency job).
I'm training as Teaching Assistant in a junior school right now and I love it.
I spend my time on b3ta on the lovely /links and firmly believe rule one (Don't be a cunt) should be adopted by the entire interwebs.
Unless, obviously, I feel like lashing out; in which case duck my sock muddyfunster!
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis
Three cheers for Tim
My mate Tim is now a respected academic type.
T'was not always so...
Back when he was a student he'd spent a day on the lash. Come the evening he needed more booze, so off to the off license it was. As he bimbled there he was passed by a white stretch limo filled with a bunch 21 year old girls who screamed "Show us your cock!". As he was pissed he was too slow to react and whip out his John Thomas.
So he gets to the offie, gets more booze and then saunters on home.
To his delight he sees the white limo come round the corner just ahead, so he turns his back and prepares himself.
There's a high pitched squeal from the girls as the car pulls level, so he spins round cock in hand and goes "Blaaaaargh!".
Except it's a different white stretch limo and the high-pitched squeal came not from the hotties, but from two 10 year old boys who are slack jawed and pale faced at the sight of a grown man learingly waving his penis at them.
I did mention he's all respectable now?
(Wed 18th Mar 2009, 14:25, More)
Three cheers for Tim
My mate Tim is now a respected academic type.
T'was not always so...
Back when he was a student he'd spent a day on the lash. Come the evening he needed more booze, so off to the off license it was. As he bimbled there he was passed by a white stretch limo filled with a bunch 21 year old girls who screamed "Show us your cock!". As he was pissed he was too slow to react and whip out his John Thomas.
So he gets to the offie, gets more booze and then saunters on home.
To his delight he sees the white limo come round the corner just ahead, so he turns his back and prepares himself.
There's a high pitched squeal from the girls as the car pulls level, so he spins round cock in hand and goes "Blaaaaargh!".
Except it's a different white stretch limo and the high-pitched squeal came not from the hotties, but from two 10 year old boys who are slack jawed and pale faced at the sight of a grown man learingly waving his penis at them.
I did mention he's all respectable now?
(Wed 18th Mar 2009, 14:25, More)
» Family codes and rituals
Damn those witches!
My Gran did this, my Mum does this and I can't stop myself from doing it.
When you have had your boiled egg you must make sure that you crack a hole in the bottom. This is so "witches can't use them as boats".
I've worked in some rather posh hotels in my time and have found myself forcing guests to do so at breakfast. They've all been very understanding and have done so, but I didn't half weird out a Japanese couple once...
(Sat 22nd Nov 2008, 17:39, More)
Damn those witches!
My Gran did this, my Mum does this and I can't stop myself from doing it.
When you have had your boiled egg you must make sure that you crack a hole in the bottom. This is so "witches can't use them as boats".
I've worked in some rather posh hotels in my time and have found myself forcing guests to do so at breakfast. They've all been very understanding and have done so, but I didn't half weird out a Japanese couple once...
(Sat 22nd Nov 2008, 17:39, More)
» We have to talk
Never mind the poor buggers who work at ASDA...
I'm looking for work and know full well that there's work going at Subway. The main reason I'm not going to give them a call?
You're job title there is "Sandwich Artist"
Oh, look. My first ever post :)
(Wed 25th Apr 2007, 14:39, More)
Never mind the poor buggers who work at ASDA...
I'm looking for work and know full well that there's work going at Subway. The main reason I'm not going to give them a call?
You're job title there is "Sandwich Artist"
Oh, look. My first ever post :)
(Wed 25th Apr 2007, 14:39, More)
» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?
Festival goodness
At a small festival in 05 they had hay-bales to piss on. The thinking behind it quite sound. The straw apprently takes all the nasty stuff out, leaving only "water" draining into the soil.
Bearing in mind that by Saturday night many, many, many men had used the bogs, the groung around it was quite slippery. Que some poor sod walking in behind me, slipping and landing face down in the bale. Jets of piss bounced of it.
To be fair the guy came up as quickly as he went down, but the damage was done. He ran off never to be seen again.
He also managed to miss us lot sniggering and going "un-clean! un-clean!"...
(Mon 25th Jun 2007, 18:07, More)
Festival goodness
At a small festival in 05 they had hay-bales to piss on. The thinking behind it quite sound. The straw apprently takes all the nasty stuff out, leaving only "water" draining into the soil.
Bearing in mind that by Saturday night many, many, many men had used the bogs, the groung around it was quite slippery. Que some poor sod walking in behind me, slipping and landing face down in the bale. Jets of piss bounced of it.
To be fair the guy came up as quickly as he went down, but the damage was done. He ran off never to be seen again.
He also managed to miss us lot sniggering and going "un-clean! un-clean!"...
(Mon 25th Jun 2007, 18:07, More)
» Best Graffiti Ever
In da hood
John Betjeman (the former poet laureate) once described the neighbourhood of Nether Edge in Sheffield as "perhaps the finest victorian suburb in the country"; its spacious stone houses are set amongst the leafiest streets you can find any where. There's bloody trees every where...
Until a few years ago (when it finally faded) the Crescent Road sign sported the rather "street" graf that said...
"Nether Edge 4 Life!" like it where Compton, or summat.
(Wed 9th May 2007, 15:45, More)
In da hood
John Betjeman (the former poet laureate) once described the neighbourhood of Nether Edge in Sheffield as "perhaps the finest victorian suburb in the country"; its spacious stone houses are set amongst the leafiest streets you can find any where. There's bloody trees every where...
Until a few years ago (when it finally faded) the Crescent Road sign sported the rather "street" graf that said...
"Nether Edge 4 Life!" like it where Compton, or summat.
(Wed 9th May 2007, 15:45, More)