» I don't understand the attraction

Spanky Hanky
I really don't understand the attraction. I don't think he's at all funny.

Frankspencer is much better.

That is all.
(it would be funny if they were the same person, huh?)
(Tue 20th Oct 2009, 3:59, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

Don't be a wanker
Many years ago when I was an embryo, we had a boozy party at friends house – guys, gals, alcyhole and two spare bedrooms for possible shagging/snogging. We had managed to acquire a young lady whom the occupant of said house fancied (one of the conditions of using his house for party). He proceeded to get seriously pissed and retired to one of the bedrooms for a bit of slap & tickle with young lady. Problem is he gets a bit obnoxious and over confident when he’s mashed. Young lady actually fancied another guy at party & guy fancied girl. As ‘occupant’ reappeared every 20 minutes to get another drink/report on his progress with young lady to all and sundry – other guy is getting seriously pissed off. So are we all. So we hatch plan. Next time he comes out we’ll get him to sit down and drink a strong coffee. He’s obviously too pissed to shag, so we’ll sober him up a bit – it’s for his own good…….right.
Big cup – quarter filled with black coffee – topped up with bourbon, scotch, southern comfort. We told him he had to skoll it and as it was really strong and sugary it would be best to hold his nose whilst doing it. Three gulps in, he’s querying strange taste. We tell him he’s too pissed and he’s imagining things. Finishes coffee. Stands up. Sits down again. Wanders off outside. Gone for 10 mins. Somebody goes outside. He’s passed out on back lawn. Leave him there. Other guy gets in room with young lady. General snogging happens. He dates her for two weeks – apparently she has a personal hygiene problem. Breaks off with her. We never see her again.
This happened over 25 years ago, and we still talk about it – ‘occupant’ friend still doesn’t believe he was that much of a wanker, and still can’t believe he actually drank so much and still survived. Lesson learned – he treated women with more respect and actually landed a lovely lady. Still drinks too much though, and becomes obnoxious – if he gets to that point we offer him a strong black coffee – he always refuses.
Funny that.
Yay, first post on this board.
I don’t have any length, just depth.
(Fri 27th Apr 2007, 3:13, More)

» Pet Stories

spongeworthy
My Doberman apart from eating stockings had a fascination for sponges. Any sponge would end up in 6 billion pieces and sometimes bits would come out in her poo (funny to watch it emerge, as it comes out and once free of the confines of the anus poofs out as sponges do after they’ve been compacted tightly) – but this time she swallowed a whole scourer/sponge (you know the one with sponge one side, scourer the other) in one gulp, mind you. Visit to the vet, come home with paraffin oil. Feed it to dog. Farts paraffin oil all over the back yard. No sponge. Feed more oil to dog. Come home from work. See doggy has passed the sponge/scourer. Yay! How do I know this? She’s carrying it around in her mouth. Retrieve sponge/scourer quickly as I don’t want it to get a return trip through her. By the way it was curved, it seemed to have emerged scourer side out too. Owie.
(Thu 14th Jun 2007, 5:03, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Hair colour
I don’t understand why international female film stars and supermodels use home hair colouring kits.
I mean, they endorse the product, so of course they would use them at home surely?

Why can’t they pop down the hairdresser? Are they short of money? Perhaps they can’t get out of their houses because of the 10,000 paparazzi camera flashes going off in their faces. I really feel sorry for them. At least I can afford to go to the hairdresser. So I guess I'm better off than a supermodel. Yes?
(Tue 20th Oct 2009, 2:54, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

One person
(start rant)

1. Religious as all fuck, even suggesting that she can baptise me (as I am a heathen, and gosh darned proud of it!) and I wouldn’t be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven unless God’s water was sprinkled on my forehead.
2. 45 years old and STILL a virgin (even though she is an attractive woman and her singular personality is bearable at close range for approx 48 hours solid contact – when the other ones kick in it can be a bit disturbing)
3. Stalks male members of the staff. Has actually approached girlfriend of one staff member to explain to her that she cannot help the way he must feel about her as she can sense it whenever she walks into a room where he is. (he does not like her at all)
4. spread rumours about above male staff member and another female staff member (not girlfriend) having an affair. When pointed out by me that this was definitely NOT the case, she commented that ‘she must have got it wrong’.
5. also semi stalks other staff members (female) to the point she goes around to their houses after hours (after looking up their addresses on our data base) to complain about how nobody likes her. Unfortunately, the people who she visits end up disliking her too.
6. Told me once she didn’t like having a bath because she didn’t like seeing her body naked. (I presume she showers, but I don’t think she scrubs her ladybits)
7. she smells (see above)
8. is obsessed with other peoples lives. If you ask her any personal questions she avoids answering them. I once let slip a bit of information that she had recently purchased a small flat (completely innocently and with the only intention to initiate normal conversation between her and co worker) and was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to speak to ANYBODY about her personal life.
9. Has had no boyfriend in the time she has been here. (8 years). But then again, she probably wouldn’t tell anybody. (see above). Actually, has had no relationship that we are aware of. But talks about how she can’t wait to get married and have children etc etc…….. (she’s 45)
10. Is completely incompetent in her job. (Reception work) We have complained for 6 years about her, she is finally being moved elsewhere so she can be incompetent somewhere else.
11. She sucks up something shocking to the hierarchy who think she’s ‘sweet’. That’s why she has survived so long.
12. She complains to above hierarchy that we treat her bad. No we don’t. We just choose to minimise our dealings with her and avoid her as much as possible (hard when you work directly with her – but we’ve kept it professional and limited all contact to only work related issues). This has lead to us being pulled into the big bosses office and berated that we are ‘bullying her by exclusion’.
13. She can go out for two hour lunches with her hierarchy ‘friends’ that she sucks up to here, but we can’t go out for lunch (just once in 14 years mind you) with our line manager who is leaving (this was included in the ‘bullying by exclusion charge)
14. She has no memory retention. Even just this morning I was explaining I had to leave to pick up my cat from the vet. Her comment ‘you have a cat?”. (I have discussed my cat with her on numerous occasions over the last 8 years as she also has a cat – yes, something in common) This also applies to things people ask her to do, and just general day to day stuff. She has to write EVERYTHING down. If she remembers to do so, that is.
15. Anybody who has held that position in the last 14 years I’ve been here has fitted in brilliantly. We have had nothing but trouble with her since she started. Yet we are the ones at fault. Even though other staff members have complained about her as well, and the last year she has been ‘sampling’ her new job – she has rubbed people up the wrong way. Yet she is still not at fault and to add insult to injury – her new job has put her on the same wage scale as me and they have actually ‘created’ another 6 weeks of employment for her because (shock, horror) SHE HAS A MORTGAGE!!! and can’t take a cut in pay (as the new position was only 42 weeks a year)
16. She has the most incredibly loud and fake laugh.
17. She is currently training her replacement and is protecting her from us (obviously as we are EVIL). When we get hold of her next week, we’ll have to erase her memory banks, and reprogram her, as everything she has been told will be wrong. She will become one of us, and we will rejoice.

I’ve never truly hated anyone before, but I dread the days that she comes in here. Even the sound of her voice makes my hair stand on end. Considering the fact that I get along with EVERYBODY here (about 160 staff) – I am one of the bitches in this situation, and yes, I’m looking for another job………..
(rant over)
(Wed 30th Jan 2008, 2:47, More)