» Terrible Parenting

Not as bad as some on here, but bad for a 4 year old
When I was little, my twin sister and I wouldn't go to sleep. You know, normal kid stuff. So what does my mom do?
She makes up a scary detective.
Yep, that's right. She tells us about a detective named Dan who will come and arrest us if we don't go to sleep. If we refused still, she would pick up the phone and 'call' Dan. We would beg and plead for her to not call him. I remember being TERRIFIED of Detective Dan. I had even conjured up a picture of him. Big black sunglasses, a necklace, sandy blonde hair, a slight 5 o'clock shadow, and a tan detective coat. Everytime we made a fuss about going to sleep, she'd be like, "Dannnn?" and we would jet off to bed instantly. Dan kept on for a few years until we moved. DUN DUN DUNNNN. This is where it gets interesting. My sister and I both figured out that when we moved, Dan would stay where we were. That was the end of that nonsense! :)
Now, my dad. Around the Dan era, we had a waterbed. This said waterbed got a small hole and my dad had to patch it. To keep us away from the wet patch thing, my dad decides to tell us that if we touched it martians would come out and kill us. :( Result: Scared to go to bed and get killed by martians and scared to NOT go to bed for fear of being arrested.
Length? Ask Dan. Only he knows what was under the trenchcoat.
(Tue 21st Aug 2007, 9:56, More)

» Guilty Secrets

:/
When I was in school, I used to get up early and set back my mom's alarm sometimes. She would oversleep and my sister and I would get to stay home having missed the bus. :B For reasons 'unknown', her alarm seemed to screw up on days of tests or stupid field trips. 0:) I didn't do it often enough for anyone to catch on though.
(Fri 31st Aug 2007, 15:22, More)

» Crazy Relatives

My mother
My mother... She is more stupid than crazy I guess, but here goes anyway! First off, does this look green to you?
I think not. It is BLACK but yet she insists on calling it GREEN! Oh, and a hearse is commonly referred to as a HEARST to her, and a tarp is a TARPIN. Wtf? Oh, speaking of green, my dad calls those brown/black striped cats green. :/
(Fri 6th Jul 2007, 3:28, More)

» Crazy Relatives

Fat fucking lazy relative
Technically he is my grandma's sister's kid. Cousin? I don't fucking know. You figure it out! Either way, I do NOT claim that man! let's be nice and call him Joseph, which is not his name.
Examples.
1.) Claimed he was sick and laid up in bed. My other great aunt turns on a Nascar game (self explainatory on that one) and guess who was shown on the big screen jolly as can be? Yep! None other than 'Joseph'. I wonder how they got a bed onto the risers? Hmmm...
2.) 'Joseph' claims to be sooo poor, but yet, never misses a single Nascar game. EVER. He will travel! And he says he doesn't have enough money for food. Trust me, this guy is a FAT ASS! He must be getting it from somewhere!
3.) This one is a rumor, but I believe it just like everyone else does. 'Joseph' had a 'friend' who we will call 'Josh'. Apparently, 'Joseph' and 'Josh' had a bit too much fun. Cue 'Joseph' being rushed to the emergency room with a ruptured asshole.
There are so many stories about this freak, but I will stop there. :P Click I like this if you would be embarrassed to have this in the family.
(Fri 6th Jul 2007, 2:02, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

My mom taught me all right...
When I was little I went through a weird phase where I wouldn't eat the generic brand of sweet pickles. This was weird because I never had problems with them before. For some reason, I remember them suddenly tasting gross, though the brand name ones were pretty much exact. Anyway, my mom decided to teach me some sort of lesson. She cleverly switched labels on the brand name and generic jars. Later on, she promptly handed me one from the assumed brand name jar. I ate it without a fuss, not knowing she had changed the label. It, of course, tasted exactly like the expensive ones. After I ate it, she let me in on the secret. I realized that generic pickles weren't so bad after all! From that day on, I ate the generics and liked them (just as I had in the past.)
(Tue 1st May 2007, 23:00, More)