» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

The man in the queue
I can remember this day so well as it was a bit of a funny time things were all over the place , people in funny moods etc. The date was july 9 2005 a couple of days after the bombs on the tube.

I was in a post office in Harrow as i joined the lunchtime queue i noticed that the man in front of me was struggling with several large packages. As we got to the front his hands slipped and the packeges and several letters fell to the floor.

He struggeled to pick them up so i bent down and lifted the letters for him and placed a package in his arms , saying the words " You look like you need a hand " I couldnt help notice that all his mail was addressed to various places in the middle east.
"Thank you " he murmored in a heavily accented voice. "These are things for my friends back home"

I watched as he went to the next free window , as he put his things on the counter he turned and smiled at me. A moment later i was at another window paying my road tax.

As i left the post office i saw the man again standing outside , he rushed over to me. " Thank you my friend "he said in halting english
"Its ok " i said
"You do not understand i have only been here a few days and this is the first kind thing anyone has done for me"

" Thats allright i was just helping you"

He fixed his gaze on me it was a little unnerving . His breathing increased and he paused for a few seconds before speaking .
" I must thank you for helping me" He nervously glanced around the street and spoke again " There is something i must tell you . Tell your loved ones to stay away from Luton"

My throat went dry and my mind raced . I thuoght of the event only a couple of days previous.
" Is there going to be a bomb?" i coarsly whispered.

He looked deep into my eyes . I could see the pain and sorrow in his . Eventually he spoke

"No its a fucking shithole"

Gets coat with ticket to Hull in pocket
(Tue 7th Oct 2008, 6:55, More)

» Too much information

Things you will never consider
First a warning this story is NOT about fluffy kittens. I have told this story to several people and they have all been a bit traumatised , I did warn them but they didnt listen .
A very dear friend of mine Diane, was a nursing student (qualified now) when she joined me and my flatmates down at the pub one night.

We were discussing this and that as you do when someone asked Diane what they were covering that week at college . "Bowel surgery" she says . Erm ok things went a bit quiet. She continues "what they do is cut you open all the way down here" and proceeds to run her finger down my front. I swear it felt like a scalpel opening me up. Things went quieter especially from me.
But there was more.

Squeamish readers this is your last chance to look away.

They had also covered colostmy bags that week. Fair enough nurses deal with these things.
Apparently they sew up your puckered walnut if you end up needing one of these for 2 reasons 1) It isnt required anymore and 2) Its a potential source of open infection. Makes sense dosent it?

Someone in Dianes class stuck their hand up asked the following question " So how do gay couples have sex then?" Obviously bum games are out of the question.

Very last chance folks

The lecturer replied quite matter of fact " some couples poke the colostomy bag apparantly they enjoy the warm feeling"

Que four very nauseated looking flatmates with mental images burnt into their brains and one nonplussed nursing student.

Diane honey i love you but that night it was way way too much information.
(Sun 9th Sep 2007, 7:40, More)

» Tightwads

Timekeeping
i used to work as a photocopier engineer for a firm whos name was remarkably similar to the German word for thanks.

i was agency , so i was paid my pittance weekly however proper staff got paid monthly . We had to clock in and out every day , not unusual. The nice thing was we had flexi time so you could come in any time between 730 and 830 leaving at the coresponding time at night. If you were late in one day you could make up the time the next day. Sounds fair?


However you were not allowed to work 4 9hour days and go at lunchtime on a friday even although that still equated to a 40 hour week.

The managers went through the time cards with a fine toothed comb. My mate Tez was permant staff and got pulled into the office at the end of a month over a time keeping issue.
It had come to the managers attention that over the course of the month he hadnt quite done all his contracted hours , and now had to make up the time.
Fair enough you may say.

The total time owed to the company for the month? 2 minuites !!!
He was made to make up the time or face disclipinary action.

Strangly enough Tez made up his time whilst drinking an extra cup of tea.
(Wed 29th Oct 2008, 7:49, More)

» Pet Stories

drug addict cat
Chinese goosberry or Kiwi fruit plants as they are better known are interesting for 2 reasons

1 You need both a male and a female plant to produce the fruit and ...

2 The sap fron the plant acts as a narcotic to cats.

A few years back we had a big old cat called sooty and our neighbour had a couple of kiwi fruit vines in her back yard. All the neighbourhood cats knew about them. The vines were widley "utilised" over time , the cats had rubbed a depression in the ground under one of the lowest hanging vines.
A cat would lie on its back , put a paw in the air with its claws extended and take a swipe. The resulting slash would result in a cut to the vine releasing the sap. The cat on its back would wriggle around to let the sap drip into its mouth . Once it had its fill it would wobble off and let the next cat waiting have its turn.

Our neighbours garden was essentially an opium den for felines. Old sooty was no stranger to over the fence . I can destinctly remember watching him walk over the roof of my dads car in anything but a straight line , one paw flopping in front of the other (immaging drinking 10 pints of stella and you get the idea). How he managed to jump up on to the car in the first place is beyond me as a minuite later he stumbelled into the garden wall completley oblivious to it.
Oddly enough we didnt see much of him for the rest of the day .

If i hadnt seen this with my own eyes i would not have of believed it . Our old neighbour used to talk about finding comatosed cats spread all around her back yard.

How the cats knew that Kiwi fruit vines are narcotic beats me.

P.S. doesnt work for humans
(Sat 9th Jun 2007, 11:04, More)

» Customers from Hell

classic
i work in a pet shop . One day this chap walked in trying to return a dead parrot...........
(Sun 7th Sep 2008, 9:01, More)