» Dad stories

The Skillful Art of Parenting
My boyfriend has two kids in their late teens and a compulsion to try and embarrass them at every available opportunity. I once heard him knock on his son's bedroom door, when the lad and his girlfriend were 'watching telly' in there.

B/F: You OK in there son?
Son: Yeah.
B/F: What are you doing?
Son: Nothing.
B/F: Nothing? That's not how I brought you up. What's fucking wrong with you?
(Mon 29th Nov 2010, 15:09, More)

» Presents

My best present, EVER
Last year I got light sabres. Two. An Obe Wan Kenobe one and a Darth Vader one. I switch them on in the dark, bash them together and they make this cool kkrrrrchchkrrrrr noise.

I'm 40.
(Sun 29th Nov 2009, 0:19, More)

» Famous people I hate

Where to begin ...
Nothing new to add, but am appreciating the opportunity to vent in public:

John Barrowman - because he's just so talentless, yet seems completely unaware of the fact
Fearne Cotton - a badly-dressed bag of vapid nonsense
Peaches Geldof - just 'cos
Paddy McGuinness - one lucky fucker, hanging onto the coat-tails of a far more talented mate, the parasitic no-mark
Richard Gere - because the sight of his tiny little raisin eyes makes me want to vomit
Jordan/Katie Price/whatever - horrid, headline-chasing, publicity-seeking sleazy walking sperm bank
Cliff Richard - don't care if he's gay or not, he's just shit and smug
Loose Women - a bunch of misanthropic, dried up old harpies
Bono - a monumental twat

The list goes on and on, but I have managed to wind myself up quite a bit just talking about these few so am going to make myself a nice cup of tea and have a little lie down.

And I know that I can 'just switch the telly off' when these assorted cock ends appear but it's my telly and I would like a choice of entertaining programmes and people to watch. I don't want a choice of 'it's either this shit or it's nothing', which is really no choice at all.
(Sun 7th Feb 2010, 15:57, More)

» Vomit Pt2

I think I'm gonna ... ... ... huuuueeeuurrgghhhhhhhhhhh
If you think that puking out of an open passenger window whilst travelling at 80 mph on the M1 won't mean that half of the fermenting beery-tandoori goodness catches on the wind and splats down the inside of the door and slops into the map-holder pocket thingy, then you'd be quite wrong. I was.
(Tue 12th Jan 2010, 21:43, More)

» Bizarre habits

Not really tin-foil hat stuff, but
I have little mantras that I repeat to myself when I do certain tasks. For instance, when I am carrying the cat bowl full of water, or a full cup of tea, I routinely repeat "don't drop it, don't drop it, don't drop it" in my head.

When I am driving up to the pumps at the petrol station I have to say "driver's side, driver's side, driver's side" to remind me which side of my car the petrol cap is on (but I suspect I do this more to avoid looking like a twat if I park on the wrong side).

When dining out at that fine eating establishment, MacDonald's, I always, ALWAYS, dunk my fries into my chocolate milkshake.

At bedtime, my OH always gets a back rub because I like finding any spots and squeezing them.

And I won't smile after I've eaten until I have checked that there is nothing sticking in between my teeth.
(Wed 7th Jul 2010, 1:53, More)