» Food sex

Advanced Tongue Simulator
When we went shopping, my sister would get the usual teen girl magazines. Cosmo. Dolly. Girlfriend. You know they kind, with advice, quizzes and agony aunts. She'd never pay much attention to groceries, that was something mum did.

As you do, I'd read the magazines. Especially the more racy bits like the sex advice. Once there was this article about how you could use bananas as a training aid to become really good at tongue kissing.

Well I pretty quickly figured out this was why she was so enthusiastic about fruit shopping the following week. I looked on with silent amusement as she picked out a big, firm hand of larger than usual bananas.

The following morning, no-one could figure out why she was going completely ape-shit, accusing me of being a prick, but refusing to say why. During the night I'd put neat printed labels on each banana, "Advanced Tongue Simulator".

Sibling button pushing had succeeded beyond my wildest dreams.
(Fri 7th Aug 2009, 11:35, More)

» Buses

Riding with Bogans
So I was riding the bus to work and two bogan guys (chavs) are talking loudly about their mate:

B1: Did you hear? Davo ripped off the XYZ Hi-Fi shop on the weekend.

B2: The one in PQR shopping mall?

B1: Yeah, on Saturday night.

B2: Davo?

B1: Yeah, Davo Smith.

B2: Smith?

B1: You know him. The one with blond hair that lives in ABC block of flats.

I was a bastard and called the cops when I got to work.
(Mon 29th Jun 2009, 9:44, More)

» Banks

Naughty
Dad went to the bank during the lunch and joined the hot and bothered queues waiting their turn. It was a hot day and a petulant crying child gave that grating finishing touch. The mother threatened, bargained and plead in vain to get the damn kid to shut up.

Eventually she tried diplomacy, culminating with:

"Don't be naughty!"

The kid responded,

"I'm not naughty! You're naughty! I saw you kiss daddy's dick!"

Which worked a treat. Mummy went bright red, snatched the noisy kid up and fled the bank.
(Wed 22nd Jul 2009, 14:31, More)

» The Dark

Footpath sex
I was walking in the dark and nearly tripped over a couple having sex on the footpath. This was in an area with no street lighting.

I was one of those awkward literally frozen moments.

As they were silent and weren't moving, I thought the indistinct crumpled shape was a mugging victim. So I froze thinking, "Holy shit..."

Meanwhile, they had frozen because their interlude had been interrupted by a guy in a black trench-coat silently standing over them and staring. Mr Freakazoid.

Eventually one of them moved and all the tension disappeared when I sighed, "Oh, I thought you were dead."
(Sun 26th Jul 2009, 3:39, More)

» Impulse buys

Giant Marilyn Monroe
I was at an IT auction and a bunch of lots came up from a bankrupt theatre company. One of the lots was an 8 foot tall Marilyn Monroe puppet (bloody huge!). As huge and impractical as it was, I though, "yeah why not" and got her for a fiver. A fiver and a bunch of lewd calls from the guys working in the auction house (and they told me she wasn't shop soiled).

Fortunately a friend had just moved so I gave it to her as the ultimate in impractical housewarming presents. I hung her in a tree in the front yard and you could see her all the way down the street and the local hooligans eventually blew up her mailbox for being a freak.

Last I heard Marilyn is living in another friend's garage. Lucky he hasn't got a car.
(Fri 22nd May 2009, 14:18, More)