» Insults

He'll get it eventually
first time poster long time lurker

amazingly camp person at a friends party giving us the lecture on about how gay people were eventually going to take over the world and heterosexuality would be seen as "being strange", eventualy i snap "yeah that may be true but youl all die out eventually!", looking annoyed he came back with "what, because we cant have children!?", room now completely silent i hit back "No, cos youl all die of AIDS"......shocked silence as he says "my friend died of AIDS you prick!"

couldnt resist it

"you see, its started already!"

not homophobic by any means but he had it comin

length-hel never know, he'll have the AIDS by now
(Sun 7th Oct 2007, 22:23, More)

» Cringe!

put the fun into funeral!
Being mournful at funerals has never really suited me, this wasnt too much of a problem when my grandad (on my mothers side) died as he, much like the rest of my mother's side, have an amazingly inappropriate sense of humour. If you know me this probably explains where i get it from.

As i was saying, when his funeral came it was an incredibly sad time but we always found a way to cram in a joke here or there just to break the tension which to be honest was exactly what i needed (i was only 15 and had not been old enough to deal with the concept of death before)


fast forward quite a bit however to my other grandad, now it should be noted that my dad's side of the family are immensley serious, arguments were had over what room the coffin should be present in and they actually complained about the priest having a limp as it "looked disrespectful".

cut to us leaving the house on the day of the funeral, my dad sat in the front of the funeral car next to the driver as we had to squeeeze my auntie in.

As the procession starts i could feel the genes from my mum's side start to pull me toward the dark side when i blurted out

"great dad, that guy has to walk because you took his seat!"

did i get the great big laugh or a tension breaking snigger, no, angry glares from them for the rest of the day, you better believe it!
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 22:52, More)

» Sexual fetishes

Glasses
Can anybody explain why a female is always more attractive while wearing glasses, im sure im not the only one.

After telling miss pirate she went to the opticians to see about buying a fake pair and discovered that she in fact needed them and had done for some time.

A good thing she found this out when she did because due to poor eyesight she could have walked in front of a bus.

So there you have it folks, fetishes save lives.
(Tue 27th Oct 2009, 21:52, More)

» Presents

Guess who the favourite is?
My girfriend's mum called the other day to say she coudln't afford to buy her a present this year for xmas. This was followed the next day by a phone call from her to let her know that she was going to come visit us at our flat but she was weighed down by her brother's Xbox360.

Some background info on my girlfriends little brother who we will name "Fishy" (his chav title, so earned because he used to pee himself in class and would therefore smell a bit fishy):

Regularly assaults his teachers, the most recent invovling throwing a math book at a 45 year old womans face and spiting on her when she fell down.

When he tried to punch my girlfriend in the face i stepped in only just managing to hold my temper, this results in regular threats of stabbings from him and his "gang"

Along with his friend dragging a 9 year old deaf boy out of his front garden with promises to set him on fire "for being deaf!"

Breaking into a special needs school and stealing a laptop.

Beating up his mother in a train station for her refusing to give him money.

Brought home by the police 9 times in the past year for drinking, assault and drug taking/selling.

Stealing over £100 from his lung cancer ridden gran and screaming in her face when confronted resuling in her having a panic attack.

Shrugging his way through his grans funeral and repeatedly asking if he could leave.

Can manipulate social workers like a a fat kid controls biscuits and has been given 3 "Absolute last chances to behave before he gets taken away!" in the past six months.


Now for some background info on my girlfriend:

When finding out her Gran was unwell she moved in with her and essentially became her main carer (her Aunts helped out when they could) as well as holding down a part time job and a uni course (both of which she had to give up eventaully)

Her mother forced her dad to move back to america (despite him being a really awseome bloke who is buying me nunchuks for xmas!) and regularly told her it was because she was a bad daughter and it was her fault, this went on for almost a decade until she finally got up the courage to ask him about it outright and he cried to her down the phone upset that this was what she believed, for a man who spent 15 years in the navy and fought in the Gulf this was quite bizarre to hear.

Had her mail stolen and bank details taken by her mother resulting in over £350 "going missing"


So any ideas who deserves a xmas present from their mother this year?


I should point out that I'm trying to make this xmas extra special for her, its her first one without her gran as well as being the first in our flat but bar the whole decorations and having some friends and family down (NOT her mother and "Fishy" though, we don't want him knowing where we live) i'm getting a bit stumped, any ideas?
(Wed 2nd Dec 2009, 21:19, More)

» Stalked

the couch will never be the same again
sorry for the length but trust me,this is the short version

i dont know why but i seem to attract the crazy ones,maybe its something im putting out ther who knows but the fact is the ones with the "stalker gene" tend to go for me.

we start our story in a fine little place called "lounge lava" (name re-arranged to protect the innocent) when she cornered me,unforunately i was highlly drunk,trapped in a booth,she was too large to get by and my friends,quite frankly,found it hilarious.

im glad to say i didnt do anything too bad (no amount of alcohol could make me) but i did talk with her and discovered we actually got on and she had quite a few vaguley hot friends so i thought "what the hell rocknroll_pirate,let her get to the friend-zone and play the set me up game" and so we do the texting thing,she tries to flirt with me,i leave it two days before replying etc generally playing the arrogant player (which im not,honest) unforunately for me she LOVES this,she steps up her game,keeps inviting me to her house,parties,the pub,ANYWHERE!

she waits a few weeks,probably thinks i want her to play hard to get,i didnt,i wanted her to leave me the hell alone,during my short lived reprieve me and my friends come to the conclusion that she is the exact double of princess fiona in ogre-form.....no exageration!

she tricks me with her plan,starts talking about horror films,tells me how shes never really watched any and what ones should she start with etc unfortunately im a horror junkie and fall for her trap hook line and bloody sinker

i end up in a big conversation about them and somehow drunkenly tell her to come to my house to watch some,i then forgot about this until she texted me when she be up

"fair enough" i thought,i had expressed to her many times how i had no romantic feelings about her,never have and bar some incredible breakthrough in plastic surery that makes a girl look like a sarah michelle gellar,never will, so i thought she understood completely and would keep her hands herself.

i forget which film we were watching,id rather not know as it would ruin it for me and put me off watching it ever again, i tell her im goin to the bathroom,she smiles and says "ok"

i return to what can only be described as a "retina-destroying" experience, she was lying on my couch,my LEATHER couch,bare-ass naked,you could see evrything,where she had shaved (and where she hadnt,bleaurgh!) except for one minor detail,she had left her black socks on!?! i still wonder about this fact actually,did she not have time to remove them or did she think i had some sort of wierd sock fetish,i guess il never know

i ask what she thinks shes doing,she looks at me with a genuine expression of both hurt and psychosis and says "i thought you would want me" i knew then i had to remove her,she had become terminal

i began to phase her out,she told all her friends i slept with her to which i yelled at her for,apparently she cried after i left the pub

i met mrs pirate not too long after that and have had a brilliant relationship with her,however,i do get a bit annoyed that she finds this story a tad too funny,to the point wher she tells EVERYONE she meets about it,i made the mistake of pointing princess fiona out to her and she openly pointed at her and laughed,i would feel bad if i hadnt seen her naked

theres lots more to tell about this very psychotic girl but that will have to wait for another qotw

p.s i now have a stalker who works in a shop near to mine,she always acts all cheerful to me but a total bitch to my mrs pirate and my friend....she also has a very flat face and looks like the cat from over the hedge,oh well
(Fri 1st Feb 2008, 0:23, More)