» Insults

He'll get it eventually
first time poster long time lurker

amazingly camp person at a friends party giving us the lecture on about how gay people were eventually going to take over the world and heterosexuality would be seen as "being strange", eventualy i snap "yeah that may be true but youl all die out eventually!", looking annoyed he came back with "what, because we cant have children!?", room now completely silent i hit back "No, cos youl all die of AIDS"......shocked silence as he says "my friend died of AIDS you prick!"

couldnt resist it

"you see, its started already!"

not homophobic by any means but he had it comin

length-hel never know, he'll have the AIDS by now
(Sun 7th Oct 2007, 22:23, More)

» Cringe!

put the fun into funeral!
Being mournful at funerals has never really suited me, this wasnt too much of a problem when my grandad (on my mothers side) died as he, much like the rest of my mother's side, have an amazingly inappropriate sense of humour. If you know me this probably explains where i get it from.

As i was saying, when his funeral came it was an incredibly sad time but we always found a way to cram in a joke here or there just to break the tension which to be honest was exactly what i needed (i was only 15 and had not been old enough to deal with the concept of death before)


fast forward quite a bit however to my other grandad, now it should be noted that my dad's side of the family are immensley serious, arguments were had over what room the coffin should be present in and they actually complained about the priest having a limp as it "looked disrespectful".

cut to us leaving the house on the day of the funeral, my dad sat in the front of the funeral car next to the driver as we had to squeeeze my auntie in.

As the procession starts i could feel the genes from my mum's side start to pull me toward the dark side when i blurted out

"great dad, that guy has to walk because you took his seat!"

did i get the great big laugh or a tension breaking snigger, no, angry glares from them for the rest of the day, you better believe it!
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 22:52, More)

» Sexual fetishes

Glasses
Can anybody explain why a female is always more attractive while wearing glasses, im sure im not the only one.

After telling miss pirate she went to the opticians to see about buying a fake pair and discovered that she in fact needed them and had done for some time.

A good thing she found this out when she did because due to poor eyesight she could have walked in front of a bus.

So there you have it folks, fetishes save lives.
(Tue 27th Oct 2009, 21:52, More)

» Stalked

the couch will never be the same again
sorry for the length but trust me,this is the short version

i dont know why but i seem to attract the crazy ones,maybe its something im putting out ther who knows but the fact is the ones with the "stalker gene" tend to go for me.

we start our story in a fine little place called "lounge lava" (name re-arranged to protect the innocent) when she cornered me,unforunately i was highlly drunk,trapped in a booth,she was too large to get by and my friends,quite frankly,found it hilarious.

im glad to say i didnt do anything too bad (no amount of alcohol could make me) but i did talk with her and discovered we actually got on and she had quite a few vaguley hot friends so i thought "what the hell rocknroll_pirate,let her get to the friend-zone and play the set me up game" and so we do the texting thing,she tries to flirt with me,i leave it two days before replying etc generally playing the arrogant player (which im not,honest) unforunately for me she LOVES this,she steps up her game,keeps inviting me to her house,parties,the pub,ANYWHERE!

she waits a few weeks,probably thinks i want her to play hard to get,i didnt,i wanted her to leave me the hell alone,during my short lived reprieve me and my friends come to the conclusion that she is the exact double of princess fiona in ogre-form.....no exageration!

she tricks me with her plan,starts talking about horror films,tells me how shes never really watched any and what ones should she start with etc unfortunately im a horror junkie and fall for her trap hook line and bloody sinker

i end up in a big conversation about them and somehow drunkenly tell her to come to my house to watch some,i then forgot about this until she texted me when she be up

"fair enough" i thought,i had expressed to her many times how i had no romantic feelings about her,never have and bar some incredible breakthrough in plastic surery that makes a girl look like a sarah michelle gellar,never will, so i thought she understood completely and would keep her hands herself.

i forget which film we were watching,id rather not know as it would ruin it for me and put me off watching it ever again, i tell her im goin to the bathroom,she smiles and says "ok"

i return to what can only be described as a "retina-destroying" experience, she was lying on my couch,my LEATHER couch,bare-ass naked,you could see evrything,where she had shaved (and where she hadnt,bleaurgh!) except for one minor detail,she had left her black socks on!?! i still wonder about this fact actually,did she not have time to remove them or did she think i had some sort of wierd sock fetish,i guess il never know

i ask what she thinks shes doing,she looks at me with a genuine expression of both hurt and psychosis and says "i thought you would want me" i knew then i had to remove her,she had become terminal

i began to phase her out,she told all her friends i slept with her to which i yelled at her for,apparently she cried after i left the pub

i met mrs pirate not too long after that and have had a brilliant relationship with her,however,i do get a bit annoyed that she finds this story a tad too funny,to the point wher she tells EVERYONE she meets about it,i made the mistake of pointing princess fiona out to her and she openly pointed at her and laughed,i would feel bad if i hadnt seen her naked

theres lots more to tell about this very psychotic girl but that will have to wait for another qotw

p.s i now have a stalker who works in a shop near to mine,she always acts all cheerful to me but a total bitch to my mrs pirate and my friend....she also has a very flat face and looks like the cat from over the hedge,oh well
(Fri 1st Feb 2008, 0:23, More)

» Pet Peeves

Muse
more specifically, fans of muse

not just any fans though, im talkin the ones who come away with some seriously idiotic comments such as

"they have such an original sound"- yeah unless youve ever heard of radiohead

"matt bellamy is talent personified"- can he turn lead into gold, no, how about a triple backflip, no, how about sing in a deep voice for a change and therefore convince me that his testicles have indeed dropped

"they brought back the keyboard as a viable instrument in rock music"- and how grateful we all are, if it werent for them we might not have keane in our lives....oh what a tragedy that would be

"seeing them playing live at wembley was like a religious experience"- exactly how empty must a persons life be when the most enlightening thing to happen to them is a posh midget sing about spaceships?

"matt bellamy writes some of the greatest lyrics known to man"- in an interview matt bellamy said "the lyrics to plug in baby are about how if you could make sure a puppy could never grow old", im sorry but how can you not want to punch someone who says that

i feel its only fair to say that although im no fanatic i like the odd song, "stockholm syndrome" and "knights of cydonia" are great songs no matter what anyone says, however theres no fan like a muse fan, their dedication knows no bounds, to some it may eem endearing, to most it just seems sad

now if youl excuse me im off to listen to the new muse track "apocolyptic shite"

"apooooooooooooooooooooooooooocccc
ccoooolyyyyyyyyyyppppticccccc sheeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttte!!!!! iiiiiittttsss coooomming for youuuuuuuU!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPOOOOOCLYYYYYYYPTI
ICC SSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTEE
EEE!"
(Tue 6th May 2008, 22:00, More)