» Schadenfreude

Kids on bikes
Always remember the time I saw a kid on his BMX bike, he couldn't have been more than 8, flying down the street with a black bin bag as a cape (fuck knows what super hero or cartoon character he was pretending to be).
Anyway, the bin bag cape was just slightly too long for him, and as he got about a 3rd of the way down the street, the cape must have snagged on his bike chain, yanking him backwards as if he'd been clothes lined.

For about another 50 yards I saw this kid lying horizontal on the seat with his feet stuck under the handlebars, holding his neck in case his head was about to fall off ... TWAT ... straight into one of those old stone / pebble litter bins that you used to see outside of chippy's.

Both my mate and myself couldn't help but piss ourselves with laughter that could have been heard from Wembly stadium.

Mind you, the tough little bastard finally freed himself got up and gave the bike a good kick for good measure, like people kick tyres of cars to test them, amazingly NOT A SINGLE TEAR OR CRY was given.
Thinking about it now, I'm sure he grew up and became some sort of kickboxing champion or something ...
(Wed 23rd Dec 2009, 22:40, More)

» Bad Management

Not so much management, but the company as a whole ...
I got laid off from a local computer repair shop (more of a sales place, but the boss couldn't be arsed buying anything to sell, but thats another story).
I started work at a computer components supplier, sort of the next rung up in the ladder, and my first (and hopefully last) real taste of "tele-sales".

I was meant to pick up a phone and call random companies, asking them to buy the shite, no-mark branded excuses for a cluster fuck items we sold, for the same price that joe public could buy online for the same price for better brands.
The fact that every one who would actually be delusional enough to buy from us ALREADY had an account with another sales rep, wasn't taken into account when my monthly figures were discussed.
If a sales rep was off ill/holiday/etc. then calls were forwarded to others, but sales still went on their names even tho they were at home bashing one out that particular day.

The few companies I did manage to get through to that didn't purchase from us either already owed us money from not paying their past bill's due to the stuff we sold not working, or they cursed down the phone that if we phoned them again they would send a mossad hit squad to purge "you useless fucktards who ruined my business last year" from existence.

Few nice occurrences while I was there ...

The company sales database went down because the IT manager (he had an MCSE but couldn't spell it) ran it on a RAID array with NO redundancy whatsoever.

A visiting director from another company totaled his porsche on the front gate bollard (it started to rise from the ground as he drove over it, and those things can stop a lorry with 50 tonnes of sand at speed with no drama). Me caught laughing at it through the canteen window as he walked in not so happy.

In the end I applied for another job, and got a letter asking for a reference landing across the company directors desk, to which he was not pleased with. Although he would quite happily have fucked me off without so much of an afterthought if my sales figure's didn't pick up, for me to get myself something to fall back on is totally out of the question.

I got the job, and a few months later i chanced upon one of the girls i used to sit opposite (fantastic set of eye magnets, those juicy little twins kept me going throughout my 3 month ordeal) and she told me that they went tits up in the end.

Oh well :)
(Mon 14th Jun 2010, 3:29, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Bemused at Blackpool Pleasure Beach
A couple of years ago me and my sister, brother in law and nephew went for the annual trip to blackpool. Having been on the handful of "better" rides, it was a case of just bumbling around before the time came to get food and go home.
As my sister went on a ride that we couldn't be bothered going on, we stood on the walkway's overlooking the water with the little round motor dingy's. Then on the concrete slope coming out from the water, we spotted it. A lone frog (or possibly a toad, but we didn't give a shit which) was RIGHT UNDERNEATH where we stood about 10 meter's below.

SPITTING CONTEST !!!

I swear, 20 minutes at least must have past as we all golly'ed away, not a care in the world to the families who were walking past behind us.
It was the best thing we did all day, and we still had a laugh about it to this day, I was about 29, my bro in law and nephew were probably about 40 and 14.

ah yeah, I got a good mouthful of greb right on the frogs back, thought I might have cut the fucker in half, it made such a loud thud.
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 17:20, More)

» Unemployed

Talk about takin the urine ..
I left the Air Force years ago, and didnt have anything to fall back on. So im in the Job Centre for the 4th time now, having put my brave face on that morning to go there. Stood in the queue and there's a fella further down the line who looks familiar, and to my disgust i was right!

Basically, this guy was from Iraq and owned a corner shop round the corner of my mums. Absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, BUT ...
during the first gulf war (Desert Storm i think) he actually surrendered his passport, left for Iraq and FOUGHT FOR THE REPUBLICAN GUARD ... AGAINST OUR TROOPS ! This isnt just hearsay, it was local knowledge.

Imagine how angry i was when it was my turn and i was told that i was no longer entitled to Job Seekers pocket money ?

Still makes my shudder just thinking about it ...
(Sun 5th Apr 2009, 20:01, More)

» Being told off as an adult

Drunk Woman
I used to work in a video rental store, and used to lock up at night so i carried a torch in my rucksack (along with butties and bottles of pop etc.). Well one night after work walking home, i heard lots of banging and clunking coming from a transit van parked down the road and then i heard a window smash.
As i only lived round the corner, i didnt want the local grandnational posse running over cars (happened a lot round our area) all the way towards my house coz they'd get my parents car. So i walked across the road to look at the van and yep, the windscreen was smashed through, and down the street i could hear car alarms all going off in the distance. So i take out the torch from my bag and use it to look more clearly at the van and they havent just smashed the screen, theyve dented the front panels and kicked head lights in etc.

Just as i was looking for more, a woman came out from the house opposite and screeched "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ?"
I tried to tell her that the kids had been past and theyd damaged the van etc but she was convinced that i was a burgular or something (i guess the rucksack didnt help).
"WHO WALKS AROUND WITH A TORCH AT 11.30 AT NIGHT ?? ARE YOU A PERVERT OR SOMETHING ? IM CALLING THE POLICE !!"

I was left stunned and oddly enough amused at the sight of her walking back into the house as she was absolutely rat-arsed and staggered through the door and dissapeared inside.
I thought it best to go home, although i could still her shreiking around the corner for about an hour later.
(Tue 25th Sep 2007, 16:07, More)