» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Slimer
Never have sex with a boy who has a projector in his bedroom and insists on pausing Ghostbusters while you insert Tab A into Slot B.

The night I made that mistake is the night I found out that looking up at Dan Aykroyd's shocked expression made a million times bigger by being stretched across the wall all the way through sex makes me feel ashamed.
(Fri 13th Mar 2009, 2:11, More)

» Faking it

Late at night
I like putting the volume on my laptop right up, putting it right next to the wall separating my bedroom and my neighbour's bedroom and putting on the dirtiest, loudest porn ever so I seem like a sex goddess.
(Sat 12th Jul 2008, 0:34, More)

» Family codes and rituals

MONKEY PUZZLE TREE!!!
For as long as I can remember, whenever a member of my family sees a monkey puzzle tree (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Araucaria_araucana) we have to let everyone in the world know by screaming "MONKEY PUZZLE TREE!" at the top of our voice, be it in the car, in public, with people who don't even know what monkey puzzle trees are, resulting in "Meh..? Monkey what?".
It's turned ridiculous now, people have driven hours out of their way just to get a point in the longest game ever.
Whenever we approach somewhere that we know has a monkey puzzle tree, you can literally see the sweat dripping off our faces to be the first one to yell out, because if you scream before you actually see the tree you're a dirty rotten bumface.
We've sent texts saying "monkey puzzle tree" from all over the world. My mum's still got some from about 4 years ago in her phone.
(Thu 20th Nov 2008, 19:35, More)

» The Dark

poo in the dark
I used to work in a cinema. Dark cinemas are the perfect place to hide things, because even with the lights on, you can never see perfectly.
So if you're ever in a cinema and there are children crying all around you because there's an intense smell, like the inside of a cow's bum, it's because some pig molesting toss stain has done a poo in a Coke cup and hidden it somewhere to fester for 3 weeks.
At the end of this stinky period, one plucky young employee will find said cup, and take the lid off, curious about the treasures that lurk within.
I hate dark places.
(Thu 23rd Jul 2009, 22:49, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

Unintentional, but lovely
A few weeks ago, I spent the night at my nanna's house, as she lives a few hours away from the family, and has lived on her own since my grampy died.
It was a slightly boring but pleasant evening, with my nan crying after a few whiskeys and telling me about a few photo albums of her "favourite people" that no one else knew about.
Well, when she went to bed, I decided to hunt for them, and I found them.

Now, before I carry on, I have to tell you that my grampy had MS. I knew him for 12 years, and I never saw him out of bed, never saw him wear anything other than his pyjamas, never saw him feed himself. Nurses had to come to the house everyday and turn him in his bed so he didn't get sores, had to help him go to the toilet and wash. If he needed something when you were out of the room, he had to whistle, because he couldn't talk above a whisper.
He was a wonderful man, never said a cruel word against anyone, and the thing I remember most is how he laughed when I tickled his feet.

One of the photo albums was full of pictures of old black and white photos of my grampy before he got ill, when he was in the navy. They were like film stills. He was absolutely gorgeous. He looked like a hero, a movie star, and I cried silently because I was so proud and happy that I was loved by such a wonderful person.

I never told my nanna about finding it, because I knew it would upset her too much, but I'm so happy that she told me about that photo album, because I have so many more lovely memories of a lovely man.
(Thu 2nd Oct 2008, 18:41, More)