» Devastating Put-Downs

Teaching put down
I used to be a teacher at secondary school. I don't claim to be a great wit or anything, but I did have a couple of flashes of inspiration. Here is one of them:

10C was a low ability (but nice enough) maths class. It was valentines day, last lesson and they were goofing around, telling valentines rhymes. At first they were amusing, ("Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm amazing and you're OK too") but as they began to turn a bit smutty ("Your knickers are blue, your knickers are brown, but when I'm with you your knickers are down") I really had no choice but to nip it in the bud. So I told Karl and Martin (not real names as I honestly can't remember them) to stop. They went quiet for a bit but soon continued. So, turning from the blackboard (yes, thats how long ago it was) I looked at the pair of them and said (pointing) "Roses are red, Violets are blue, You're in detention, and so are you!"
Quite proud of that one, I was.
(Tue 29th Nov 2011, 17:01, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

She paid for my petrol
Having filled up my motorbike with about £12 of petrol at a station near the ponds forge roundabout in Sheffield a few years ago, I got to the till to find I had left my wallet at home. I was in the process of negotiating what to do about it with the cashier guy (honestly, you would think I was the first person who had ever done that, rather than -probably- the third person so far that week) when the woman behind me in the queue offered to pay for it.

I was very touched by this kindness - I think she was in a rush and didn't want to watch as I spent 10 minutes of her life argueing over £12 of fuel, but even so I think this was the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for me.

Especially as she refused when I asked for an address so I could send her a cheque, and said instead "just do something nice for someone else."

I hope you are reading this, nice lady, and rest assured I do take every opportunity to do nice things for my fellow man, and I often think of you when I do.

ps. You were also pretty hot.
(Tue 7th Oct 2008, 13:14, More)

» Hitchhiking and fare dodging

Long distance
Epic hitchiking from mate's house in London back up to Leeds. First lift was in a 1967 Lotus Elan - absolutely gorgeous car. The guy had restored it by hand over the previous 3 years and was running it in. Never went over 50, but awesome nonethless. Next lift was a truck driver who, as luck would amazingly have it was actually going within about 400 yards of my house! Not funny, but very, very jammy.
(Thu 21st Aug 2014, 18:39, More)

» Pointless Experiments

Home Made Air Conditioner
Long time reader, first time poster. Here goes...

A couple of years ago, a friend and I were going on holiday to Zante, lovely greek island, in the summer. To save money we had gone for the cheapest apartment, and consequently we were facing the prospect of spending 14 days in an un-air-conditioned apartment. But I had found the perfect solution.

I found a link (possibly on these very pages, I forget now) to some ingenious fellow who had made his own air-con for about £15, from an electric fan, some copper pipe and a small electric pump.

So, on the day before we set off, I managed to find and purchase:

1 electric fan (£8) - tescos
10m of narrow copper pipe (£10) - this was tricky to track down, ended up at an engineering works that makes compressors.
A small aquarium pump (£7) - aquatic / fish shop
Several meters of silicone tube £1 - aquatic / fish shop
Loads of small cable ties (~£1) - Halfords

I then stayed up almost all night bending and attatching the copper pipe to the front and back of the fan in a lovely tight double-spiral shape, then connecting the tubing and the pump. The thing was a work of art, it really was!

Being by now exhausted, I stuffed the whole lot, more or less untested, into my suitcase and went to get a couple of hours shuteye before leaving for the airport.

I must admit, I was a little nervous at the airport, having this rather odd looking arangement in my luggage. God knows what it must have looked like on the x-ray machine, but no-one questioned it.

So, we got to Zante (also known as Zakynthos, which I strongly recommend if you get the opportunity. Lovely place, and the best olive oil in the known universe, get it from the roadside sellers up in the mountains) and come evening, I dutifully unpacked my amazing air-con device, rubbing my hands in glee at my ingenuity and cunning. Our apt did have a fridge with a small freezer section, so we had been able to freeze some water. Filled the sink with water, tipped in the ice, put in the pump, connected all the tubing and SWITCHED ON, baby!

Sitting back in anticipation of an arctic blast of icy cold air, I soon noticed that something was slightly wrong. What could it be?

Was the water circulating properly? Yes, plenty of flow there.

Were the coils cold yet? Yes, they were very cold, water condensing on them readily.

The whole thing worked exactly as it had been designed, the only problem was that the guy who posted the original pics on the internet was a crazy, deluded fool. Having extensively tested this since returning home, I can state with authority that blowing air over a coil of cold copper makes less that 1 degree of difference to the temperature, unless you put in thousands of very thin fins (which you can make cheaply from cut up beer cans and solder on, but I can also state with authority that this takes a VERY long time)

Still, we had an awesome time, and having an electric fan with us saved us the £5 per night they wanted to charge to rent us one.

Length? £1 per meter to you mate.
(Thu 24th Jul 2008, 14:13, More)

» Famous people I hate

Peter Andre
I don't really hate him, because I don't know him. But I hated that song he did with the really offensive lyrics about sleeping with your wife or girlfriend or something. He only really popped into my mind because he's doing a book signing at my local tescos today (srsly), as I type. My wife got held up in traffic because of that. Arse.
(Fri 5th Feb 2010, 14:30, More)