» Customers from Hell

You're going to Romania and you'll like it
At work there's a team who take and make calls with new customers. It seems we share a similar number with a travel agent, and get the occasional call intended for them. A quick explanation and a quick apology, and they disappear to try again.

But not Mr Watkins. Mr Watkins was very sure he had dialled the right number. It took quite some persuasion to make him go away and try again. And he did try - and fail - again, coming back through to the same chap in the new business team.

This time he insisted that he had dialled the right number for the travel agent. It seems our chap had had a less than stellar day, and really couldn't be arsed playing this game. And so it began. Mr Watkins wanted to confirm some details about his flight.

"Can I take your booking reference please?" He made sure the headset picked up the sound of his keyboard being randomly tapped as Mr W read out his number. "And that's a family of four going to Romania mid-August I see".

There was a fairly long pause here. I suspect Mr W was not intending to visit Bucharest with Mrs W and the kids. "Nooo, it's definitely Romania - let me take the reference again?" More random keys. "So you want to upgrade to first class you say? Lanzarote? Nooo, we've not got you down for Lanzarote. No, you're going to Romania and you'll like it."

Our chap stopped talking. Mr Watkins had gone, in a spluttering rage, screaming something about incompetence. His wife called back a while later. "Sorry, you've got the wrong number." She made several more calls throughout the day and got the same answer each time.

We never found out what happened to the Watkins family. We suspect Mr W ultimately exploded, while Mrs W sold the children to a Romanian orphanage and became destitute. Or perhaps they just started dialling the right fucking number like they got asked to in the first place.
(Thu 11th Sep 2008, 0:24, More)

» Shoplifting

They start early
A bloke I used to work with has a little lad, around 6 years old. He told us how he'd been outside to play, and when he came back in he was carrying a hammer. Seems he'd nicked it from some workmen up the road. My mate said it brought a tear to his eye - his first ever theft. Aw!
(Sun 13th Jan 2008, 3:54, More)

» Top Tips

Telebastardvision
Avoid becoming curiously enraged by not seeing that fucking annoying advert for toothpaste for sensitive teeth filmed in a fake "ooh look it's not really an advert it's your best mate caught slightly off camera banging on about how fucking great it is" kind of way for the 100th fucking time, so switching channels only to land in the lap of that loathsome fat fuck Chris Moyles on the other side.
(Sat 21st Nov 2009, 21:44, More)

» Turning into your parents

If I ever buy spiked shoes to aerate the lawn, kill me
Last bank holiday weekend I spent four hours at the local garden centre researching the many compost offerings. It was the incorporated feed and good drainage of the Westland multi-purpose peat-free which did it for me. I then spent another hour looking at sheds. Unfortunately I don't actually have anywhere to put a shed, nevertheless there was a strange sensation of lustful attraction towards the more advanced models, which both satisfied and concerned me in equal measure. More concerned in retrospect, if I'm honest. I'm not 40 yet.

Oh dear god, today I spent an hour reading up on mulching.
(Sat 2nd May 2009, 14:58, More)