» Family Feuds

The old queen
My dad's moniker for his late mother.
 
Firstly a little bit of back story. My Nan was an only child and spoilt rotten (something which really came through as the years went by). She wasn't the cleverest of clogs and was what I like to refer to as a 'lazy fuck'.
 
She married my granddad during WWII and they had one child, my old man. The three of them lived together in an emotional vacuum, preferring to ignore each other for days on end, rather than discussing their grievances.
 
Anyhoo, jumping forward to the early parts of my formative life. It's amazing how many things you don't pick up on as a child, but it was clear that my Nan was only in it for herself. Her favourite saying was, "You've got to be artful."
 
Things really came to my attention when my granddad was taken to hospital, where he later died. At one point while my granddad was clearly on his way out, he says to her that she'll have to help out with the cooking (he did it all), but the old queen says: "What are we going to eat then? Weetabix?"
 
It was after this point that my dad really distanced himself from her. The day after my granddad died, my nan shed a couple of tears, before ransacking his possessions (they slept in separate rooms), taking all of his savings. He'd set aside some money to pay for my driving lessons - I knew this as he died a few days before my 17th birthday and had promised to give it to me. The cash and other valuables 'disappeared'.
 
One of the most memorable and heartbreaking things, was told to me by their next door neighbour a few months after he died. She said that one day granddad had been outside in tears because the old queen wasn't letting up on anything, he said that "I can take it anymore, I don't know what to do." He struggled for breath most of the time and she was working him to the bone. He was a stubborn old chap, so would never say no and had a heart of gold. It makes me sick to think that a man who had survived Dunkirk and D-Day was reduced to tears by some miserly old witch.
 
I could go on, but will end the tale here. The old queen ended up in a home going cuckoo. I went to see her a few times, but she just blanked me. She had grand plans to move in with my parents, which were soon stopped and I think she held this against us.
 
It's pretty sad really. And I wished I could have done something, as my dad never really intervened.
 
I still miss my granddad, he was awesome.
 
Ending on a funny. One day my Nan was trying to waddle past granddad to get to her sofa (not chair). Anyway, she stumbled and fell on top of him. My granddad was infuriated and said... 
 
"Get off me you fucking, fat whale." 
 
It was and still is the funniest thing I have ever been witness to.  
(Wed 18th Nov 2009, 11:58, More)

» Pointless Experiments

A box of matches
I was about 8 years old, very bored, parents off doing something in the house.

So I grabbed the big box of Cook's kitchen matches and genied the box. (I said it was an accident at the time).

I lost half my hair in the flashback. And upon hearing the loud 'woosh' and my subsequent screams, my dad burst into the room and just shouted: "YOU BASTARD".
(Fri 25th Jul 2008, 8:44, More)

» Your first cigarette

More shame
To my utter shame I let down a religious man from India the other day.

That fellow b3tan’s was my first and only ‘Sikh regret’
(Tue 25th Mar 2008, 11:47, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Bus driver
Last week actually;

Lady Deskbound and I were off to Venice for a few days, unfortunately our flight was early doors, so had to get the night bus to Victoria station to catch the Gatwick Express.

Well, the London night buses are something to behold. The first part of the journey was fine, but the second was a different story. We clambered on with our luggage and sat behind to young ladies, one of whom has a large mass of gob in her hair, nice. They also looked terrified.

Some prick, so high on crack his eyes stood out on stalks was threatening all the passengers with his best ‘street talk’, saying he was going to cut us all up and basically being a supreme c-nut of the highest order. This went on for about 10 mins when the bus driver slammed the breaks on, got out of his seat and grabbed the twat by the throat and started threatening him. The guy looked genuinely terrified. What we then noticed was the fact that the driver had a manual cork screw in his hand and was holding it like a make-shift stabbing device.

He threw the idiot of the bus, who then proceeded to punch and kick the door (and broke his hand I think).

So that’s the crime I witnessed. Good on you Mr bus driver!!!
(Tue 19th Feb 2008, 11:39, More)

» Karma

Nature's Karma
I did know one about this white-feathered bird who was brought up in a destitute and baron cage, destined for the gallows and what looked like someone’s dinner.

Still she managed to escape the chop and fled to Birmingham where she lives happily with an Indian family.

Apparently that’s chicken korma for you.

I’m really sorry, but it’s Friday and I’m starting to lose it big time.
(Fri 22nd Feb 2008, 13:55, More)