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- a member for 16 years, 3 months and 5 days
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- has posted 10 stories and 8 replies on question of the week
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» Faking it
House Party !!
As you do - 16 years old, Mum & Dad away - down the pub - only logical thing to do is to invite 30 randoms back to your house to carry on the session.
Fast forward to the morning, as I open my eyes - first thing I see is a girl whom I have never met before sitting next to my bed, wearing my clothes - I am naked. Oh dear.
As I walk down the stairs, through the assorted carnage and bodies, the smell of massage oil, booze & cigarettes wafting gently throughout the house - nice blend.
Walk into the kitchen - on the unit, is a $300 bottle of chablis, given to folks by their friends from France 10 years ago - saved for a special occasion - I'm assuming my impromptu gathering doesn't fit into that category - can only mean one thing, I either find an exact replacement or its the firing squad at dawn.
It is a task made even harder because :
1) I live in a village in Suffolk
2) It is Sunday
3) This was 18 years ago, before flexible opening hours
4) Mum & Dad back in 4 hours
Cue widespread panic.
We must have driven to every wine shop and off licence in a 100 miles radius, and still nothing. Nothing even remotely similar.
The only thing for it - a $3.99 bottle of Chenin Blanc with a rather similar neck and bottle colour.
Steam off respective labels, replace.
When it was opened 10 years later, on their 30th Wedding anniversary...my Dad the 'wine expert' didn't notice a thing and remarked at what a good drop it was to all present.
Cue confession and riotous laughter.
(Wed 16th Jul 2008, 3:35, More)
House Party !!
As you do - 16 years old, Mum & Dad away - down the pub - only logical thing to do is to invite 30 randoms back to your house to carry on the session.
Fast forward to the morning, as I open my eyes - first thing I see is a girl whom I have never met before sitting next to my bed, wearing my clothes - I am naked. Oh dear.
As I walk down the stairs, through the assorted carnage and bodies, the smell of massage oil, booze & cigarettes wafting gently throughout the house - nice blend.
Walk into the kitchen - on the unit, is a $300 bottle of chablis, given to folks by their friends from France 10 years ago - saved for a special occasion - I'm assuming my impromptu gathering doesn't fit into that category - can only mean one thing, I either find an exact replacement or its the firing squad at dawn.
It is a task made even harder because :
1) I live in a village in Suffolk
2) It is Sunday
3) This was 18 years ago, before flexible opening hours
4) Mum & Dad back in 4 hours
Cue widespread panic.
We must have driven to every wine shop and off licence in a 100 miles radius, and still nothing. Nothing even remotely similar.
The only thing for it - a $3.99 bottle of Chenin Blanc with a rather similar neck and bottle colour.
Steam off respective labels, replace.
When it was opened 10 years later, on their 30th Wedding anniversary...my Dad the 'wine expert' didn't notice a thing and remarked at what a good drop it was to all present.
Cue confession and riotous laughter.
(Wed 16th Jul 2008, 3:35, More)
» Pet Peeves
OK - last one I promise
Fat birds who refer to normal sized women as 'sticks'
No, they are not sticks - they are by definition normal weight for a human being and don't see fit to stuff their face with a million burgers, drink 15 bottles of bitch piss every Friday and Saturday night and fail to see the value in any kind of physical activity.
Women are not generally fat, unless they have a genetic disorder and or illness.
Eating burgers is not a genetic disorder, it is called being a fat greedy bitch.
(Wed 7th May 2008, 8:28, More)
OK - last one I promise
Fat birds who refer to normal sized women as 'sticks'
No, they are not sticks - they are by definition normal weight for a human being and don't see fit to stuff their face with a million burgers, drink 15 bottles of bitch piss every Friday and Saturday night and fail to see the value in any kind of physical activity.
Women are not generally fat, unless they have a genetic disorder and or illness.
Eating burgers is not a genetic disorder, it is called being a fat greedy bitch.
(Wed 7th May 2008, 8:28, More)
» Pet Peeves
The Sun
How this rag can possibly be the best selling newspaper in the UK is beyond me and how anyone reading it in public can not feel even slightly embarrassed by the public display of idiocy - Grrr - its like walking round with I AM A STUPIT TWAT stamped on their forehead.
Then we have the temerity to laugh at Americans for being stupid when over 3.5 MILLION in the UK buy the Idiot Times EVERY FUCKING DAY.
(Wed 7th May 2008, 8:04, More)
The Sun
How this rag can possibly be the best selling newspaper in the UK is beyond me and how anyone reading it in public can not feel even slightly embarrassed by the public display of idiocy - Grrr - its like walking round with I AM A STUPIT TWAT stamped on their forehead.
Then we have the temerity to laugh at Americans for being stupid when over 3.5 MILLION in the UK buy the Idiot Times EVERY FUCKING DAY.
(Wed 7th May 2008, 8:04, More)
» Cringe!
Bike !
I work for a rather large global company and in my early years of the company worked with a big bunch of boys - boys being boys there was lots of banter and I succumbed to being being 'one of the gang' - much banter was had, emails exchanged back and forth etc etc
There was a girl who joined the team, lets call her Claire, and she was fairly attractive and there were numberous attempts made to woo her by various parties with no joy. Claire had recently transferred from one of our overseas offices.
Fast forward 3 months and I was transferred to the Melbourne office, coincidentally where Claire had worked previously prior to her move to London.
It quickly transpired that Claire had a bit of a reputation in the office for being, on the words of one observer 'a bit of a bike'.
I decided to send the boys a swift email to encourage them to persist in their pursuit of Claire as it would clearly be rewarded - I penned a quick email along the lines of "Had anyone got anywhere with Claire yet, it seems she's a bit of a bike down here, persist and you will be rewarded" - Not very PC I know, but I was young and foolish - I sent the email, logged off and went home knowing that when I came in the next morning I would arrive to an inbox filled with banter.
On getting into work there was strangely only one email - from one guy, lets call him 'Simon' - these were the days when if somebody was away, the team would have access to their email.
The email went something along the lines of '"Dear Zit, thanks for your email - unfortunately Simon is on holiday and I am looking after his emails, Best regards, Claire"
Still makes me shudder to this day.
(Wed 3rd Dec 2008, 2:33, More)
Bike !
I work for a rather large global company and in my early years of the company worked with a big bunch of boys - boys being boys there was lots of banter and I succumbed to being being 'one of the gang' - much banter was had, emails exchanged back and forth etc etc
There was a girl who joined the team, lets call her Claire, and she was fairly attractive and there were numberous attempts made to woo her by various parties with no joy. Claire had recently transferred from one of our overseas offices.
Fast forward 3 months and I was transferred to the Melbourne office, coincidentally where Claire had worked previously prior to her move to London.
It quickly transpired that Claire had a bit of a reputation in the office for being, on the words of one observer 'a bit of a bike'.
I decided to send the boys a swift email to encourage them to persist in their pursuit of Claire as it would clearly be rewarded - I penned a quick email along the lines of "Had anyone got anywhere with Claire yet, it seems she's a bit of a bike down here, persist and you will be rewarded" - Not very PC I know, but I was young and foolish - I sent the email, logged off and went home knowing that when I came in the next morning I would arrive to an inbox filled with banter.
On getting into work there was strangely only one email - from one guy, lets call him 'Simon' - these were the days when if somebody was away, the team would have access to their email.
The email went something along the lines of '"Dear Zit, thanks for your email - unfortunately Simon is on holiday and I am looking after his emails, Best regards, Claire"
Still makes me shudder to this day.
(Wed 3rd Dec 2008, 2:33, More)
» Pointless Experiments
The Coca Cola Kid
Way, way, way before Coke eventually got wise to the old "Tilt Coke Machine, deposit free can of coke" routine that was the lifeblood of poor students at the Halls of Residence at Royal Holloway, the routine experiment was summarily halted one night when yours truly - 100% trousered by a night on the beer - proceeded to tilt said Coke Machine a trifle too much.
Cue enormous crash, pandemonium in halls, front page of the 'Egham Sun', a furious caretaker and probably most agonising - one broken leg (notwithstanding the enormous embarrassment of being found pinned under a coke machine at 3am)
Should have stuck to Coke that night.
Tsk.
(Mon 28th Jul 2008, 4:26, More)
The Coca Cola Kid
Way, way, way before Coke eventually got wise to the old "Tilt Coke Machine, deposit free can of coke" routine that was the lifeblood of poor students at the Halls of Residence at Royal Holloway, the routine experiment was summarily halted one night when yours truly - 100% trousered by a night on the beer - proceeded to tilt said Coke Machine a trifle too much.
Cue enormous crash, pandemonium in halls, front page of the 'Egham Sun', a furious caretaker and probably most agonising - one broken leg (notwithstanding the enormous embarrassment of being found pinned under a coke machine at 3am)
Should have stuck to Coke that night.
Tsk.
(Mon 28th Jul 2008, 4:26, More)