» The B3ta Cookbook

I once tried to make a microwaved chocolate muffin for my wifey.
Except I didn't have any milk so used twice the amount of cooking oil instead, assuming that in the world of 'cookery' one liquid was much the same as another.

When it came out after 5 long minutes...it looked like a slab of beef and smelled like a wet dog.

I ate my bit out of sheer bloody mindedness and was rewarded with an evening of bowel-related entertainments.
(Tue 3rd Jul 2012, 19:37, More)

» Public Sex

Christ, this is a dull load of depressing shite.
When did B3ta turn into the letters page of Reader's Wives?
I visit these parts to laugh, not to read about ugly strangers clumsily fumbling each other's offal in some godforsaken trolleybus in Stoke.
(Mon 27th Apr 2009, 18:49, More)

» Dates Gone Wrong

I used to see a girl every Friday.
She'd always stop my way, tell me a funny story and show me some amusing pictures. Reliable as clockwork.

Then she started telling me about this other guy, some ginger cunt who was controlling her...how he'd moved on to a new, wealthier model. Tacky and shallow.

Then one Friday, she stopped appearing in my inbox and I never saw her again.
(Tue 9th Sep 2014, 20:41, More)

» The Wank Bank

In the case of most of these stories:

(Thu 23rd Aug 2012, 23:45, More)

» Shit Claims to Fame II

My first ever pet was a knackered cockatiel. It had been beaten up by its brothers and sisters and therefore couldn't fly and spent its days possessed by a distracted panic.
It was given to me by the bloke who wrote the theme tunes for Postman Pat and Charlie Chalk.

Also, my mum once made a rice pudding for Russel Grant's aunt.

What do I win?
(Sat 22nd Sep 2012, 17:25, More)