» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Inspired by The Shining, every time.....
..... I'm in a hotel (and I travel a lot for work) I put a little soap on my index finger and write 'REDRUM' in backwards letters on the steamy wall of the shower cubicle.

This does, I believe, allow the letters to disappear as the steam dissipates and then reappear the next time the shower is used.

Thus giving me no end of chortles as I picture the next person in the shower watching aghast as the ghostly word 'MURDER' floats into existence as if by itself - and written from outside the cubicle.
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 20:35, More)

» Karma

Local Journalism prt II
As I mentioned before, I used to work in local journalism with some of the most fucked up people you could expect to come across - not fucked up on drugs, but on life.

The most common complaint was the belief that they were all cutting-edge journos of the type John Pilger or kate Adie would look up to, with the associated swagger and smary 'brainyness' to boot, when if fact they worked for a title one step up from a village newsletter.

One particular tosser, who managed to get himself into a position of power over the rest of us when no-one lese wanted the job, was the classic example.

He would lecture us all about his great contacts were, and how he knew everything about the world of journalism and was on first name terms with all the heads of news at the national papers, although he never seemed to get any job offers...

But worse was to come. To explain a bit about how the world of journalism works: the local papers have a strange relationship with their larger brethern. It's quite common for the local guys to sell their stories on once they've been published in their own rag, or to give tip offs to the big boys when they hear something juicy. It's just the way the world works, and we all did it. But it's down to the individual journo to sell the story, and take the proceeds, and if they choose not to (it can be a hassle) then that's their decision.

However, after this twunt got his new job in charge of the newsroom, we started noticing our stories appearing in the nationals without us doing anything. One reporter, who was heading for retirement and couldn't give a shit about selling anything, was particularly affected. Of course, we soon worked out that the new boss was selling our stuff - and not only getting paid for it, but claiming the credit too.

Unbelievably, the bastard even denied it when we confronted him, although there was no doubt what was happening.

But as he was the boss, and we weren't violent people, there was nothing we could do .....

Fast forward a few years, and I had moved on to another job, but still in the same company. Journo world being the small pool that it is, I kept tabs on my double-dealing former colleague and even shared a few mutual friends.

So when a truly excellent job came up somewhere else, and I got it, I was delighted to learn he had gone for it as well, only to be unsuccessful.

But best of all, when I was talking to our mutual friend about my good fortune and impending move, she looked kind of quizzical, and said 'so are there two jobs going there?'

Yep, the story-selling shithole - full of his own importance - had got to the second interview stage as I had and assumed the job was his. Puffed-up beyond all measure, he went around telling everyone how he was destined for better things and even handed in his notice.

But alas, the sole position was mine, and he had to go crawling back and withdraw his resignation, accepting a demoted position in the process. Oh, to have seen his face when he got the call telling him he hadn't got the job! Or the moment he confessed he wasn't leaving after all to his 'loving' workmates...

So the motto of the story is, don't go behind your colleague's back, for indeed, Karma is a bitch.
(Mon 25th Feb 2008, 17:21, More)

» Call Centres

I used to work
For one 2 one ... I think they're called T Mobile now. I knew I was leaving a long time before my bosses did (in fact, I knew I was leaving half way through the 6 week training course).

So I used to hand out £10 care credits to anyone who complained. So if you got £10 from one 2 one for fuck all, it was probably me.

You're welcome.
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 22:53, More)

» Pet Peeves

Office politics
Christ - I don't care who's having a tantrum with the boss, who's not pulling their weight or what the latest spat between worker ant A and worker any B is about.

I don't give a toss about who's getting promoted, demoted, singled out for praise without good cause or sleeping with worker ant C from accounts.

I only turn up here each day because they pay me a sum of cash that lets me enjoy and support myself when I'm not here. Ok?
(Wed 7th May 2008, 22:18, More)

» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

How to get dumped.
While ruminating on this one, I realized the answer is actually very simple:

Say you've converted to Islam.

And then insist she's got to wear one of them Niquabs when she goes out, defer to you in public, refrain from talking to other men and pray four times a day while facing east.

And also insist you're going to grow a big bushy beard and that she's only to go and see female doctors, and say that neither if you can ever drink alcohol again.

Oh, and tell her you're changing your name to Muhhamad Idn Yusef bin binglybong, or something similar, and suggest she do the same.

No offence to Muslims or anything - lovely chaps, all of 'em - but that's easily the best way to get the old heave ho around here.

The only problem is if she agrees.....
(Mon 9th Jun 2008, 17:48, More)