» Presents

Squashed Toys...
Well, last year I bought my sister a Road Kill Toy and as it seemed to go down quite well, she's getting another this year :)
Here's what she's getting this year:

They're awesome - come in a little body bag, with a death certificate and toe-tag! And you can push the innards into them and do up little zippers to hide the really gory bits! Awesome toy!
Not got a clue what to get for the rest of the family, Gran's getting a digital photo frame but clueless about the rest!
(Thu 26th Nov 2009, 19:20, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

Sex
Yup, I pay for Sex on a regular basis, it's simpler, cheaper than a full time relationship, particuarly because i'm a lardass without much confidence :)
(Fri 20th Jan 2006, 18:08, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Not quite a crime but...
I work for a company that hires generators, and one sunny afternoon a year or two ago we were in London, loading out a job on an old industrial estate.
About to leave, the last task was to back up and hitch up the diesel tank to the landie, so I back the landie up and set to work with the jack to lift the tank up to the right height (no jockey wheel). From behind me I hear some commotion, as some pilled up nutter starts shouting about how we're blocking the way.
I turn round, observe that there's plenty of space and leave it to my two colleagues to tell the bloke to hang on, we'll be out of the way in a minute if he can't drive through a gap with over a foot either side...
The bloke seems to be intent on speaking to me, so eventually I turn round, notice this and walk over to him to inquire what his problem is.
He starts trying to get in my face, shouting about how we should know who he is and all that and get out of his way. Sadly however he was a tad shorter than me, so I was looking down on him, not impressed, noticing over his shoulder one of my colleagues idly playing with a hammer with the look of someone who was waiting for it to all kick off, and my other colleague with a phone in his hand, and me? well I've still got the jack handle in my hand - oops.
In the car are his missus, and a screaming infant. We carefully explain the situation to him, that he needs to back off, and we'll be out of his way. His missus notices the suitably tooled up people getting "upset" with her bloke, and starts shouting to him to get in the f*cking car right now. Eventually, he does to everyone's amazement (and slight disappointment from my colleague with the hammer I think), she manages to get him back in the car, and maneuverer around the landie, and then lays down some rubber.
And that ladies and gentlemen is about the closest i've been to witnessing a serious kicking. Oh, and he dropped his house keys as he got in the car. Whoopsy :) They got dropped down a drain. Karma's a bitch.
(Wed 20th Feb 2008, 3:32, More)

» Strict Parents

Not as bad as some but...
When I was a kid my parents were a bit weird. I've later discovered this had a lot to do with my father as when he died my mother became a lot more sociable, but nonetheless, it was a bit of a shit time for me when i was a kid. I don't blame my father, looking at his parents it's a wonder he turned out as well as he did...
So, onto my parents strictness...
Obviously being the older brother, my sister got away with everything. Whenever she screeched, I was punished regardless of if she'd actually caused the issue or was at fault.
I used to be allowed out to ride my bike, but had to be back within x number of minutes, and initially was only allowed round the block, without crossing any roads. This eventually grew to a couple of blocks and a couple of hours, but was never trusted with my own key till I was older! I always had to have a safety helmet on too...
Food was pretty much rationed, no snacks between meals, and dinner was a 7pm sharp every weekend. Bedtimes were early I remember, can't remember the specifics, but being a night owl and book worm i used to sit up reading, and my father would look up from the hall below and see if my light was shining under the door, forcing me to read below the covers with torches, which has fucked my vision up i reckon!
Oh, god, the list just goes on and on, but it's mainly the whole not encouraging me to be friends with others, "not bothering other people" i think was the way they put it... which led to me being bullied and having fairly poor self-esteem.
I was also smacked regularly until I got big enough to smack back, at which point I eyeballed my dad and said "you're not going to smack me, cos i'll smack you back". An empass was reached, and he found another way to punish me. No food that weekend... Luckily my mum sneaked me meals hehe!
I also wasn't allowed to go down to the cellar on my own or use the tools, though I was allowed my own soldering iron and to build my own burglar alarm. I wasn't allowed a lock on my door either, and they used to lock me in my room if i'd been bad! This was usually after the spanking. Of course, taking the lock apart and removing the springs meant that i could push the bolt back using a flat cut key that I kept handy, or just turning the key on the outside with a pair of needle nosed pliers got me out when i needed to. Used to confuse the hell out of them when I was supposed to be locked in and came wandering past them a few minutes later...
(Sun 11th Mar 2007, 19:04, More)

» Festivals

Gate Crashers
So last year I was working at Sanctuary 2008 at the Matterley Bowl. Good event I'm told (I was shattered having been working all day and went to bed fairly early missing the event itself), but earlier in the evening we'd heard noises in the wood. Having a festival radio, we hopped onto the security channel and reported it. Security surround the wood we backed onto, and swept it, finding a small campsite in the middle the gatecrashers had setup. Security then proceeded to remove said campsite, and the clothes, food, tents and drugs left behind by the gatecrashers in their flight (up trees we reckon). The best bit was when the call came over the radio asking if all the security blokes were out of the wood from one of the dog handlers, the reply was "Yes, but why?" to which he responded "She doesn't like *anyone*, she's not even that keen on *me*". Good luck to the crashers!
(Sun 7th Jun 2009, 18:48, More)